What A Week
July 14, 2009

It’s been a good week.  An “on the go” week.  It’s ironic because I went to Vegas last week to relax in a city that I left because I was always too busy and this week I had so much happened in a city I was suppose to be slowing down in.  Oh, it’s funny how this universe works.

It started last Monday.  Still on vacay from my work I finally got a chance to see “The Hangover.”  OMG, it made me want to turn back around for another vacation.  Seriously kudos to that movie, if you haven’t seen it… watch it, especially if you need a laugh.  After the movie, BD, Bolyn, another friend, and I headed to Wassabi!.  I’m sitting there enjoying my sushi when Kidd walks through the door with his girlfriend.  Talk about awkward, but I guess it was nice to finally meet the girl.  It was just random because he and I work together and we run into each other at our competitor’s spot.  At the end of the meal I was given a challenge.  A $1 bet that I couldn’t eat salmon eggs with a quail egg over it.  I’m a huge texture person, but who I am to step down to a challenge?  I manage to get it down, but some challenges are not worth it.  It was disgusting!

Tuesday I headed to Twist with BD for happy hour, which turned into dinner at Thai Palms and then back to Twist by myself to visit with Mercedes.  Of course I stayed late to join Layla, one of the cocktail servers there for her “Birthday Sex” party where it was everyone’s birthday, or un-birthday.  I stayed for a bit, but when the clock struck 1AM, I was over it. 

Wednesday I stayed home.  I was determined to finish my book.  It took me a year to accomplish this feat.  After I clicked the “publish” button, my heart dropped.  It was surreal.  This is something I have wanted to accomplish since I was a little girl.  I dreamt of being a writer.  I even wrote a book when I was 10 years old.  It was a children’s story of a little bear in search for what love was.  Ha!  Eighteen years later, I am still in search for what it is but Vegas style!  It should be available on Amazon.com in about six weeks, but it is available now on lulu.com… “So, What Brought You to Las Vegas?” by Anna Parks.  Even typing that seems weird.  It hasn’t hit me just yet… not until I have it in my hands.  Oh, those who will judge me after reading it…

Thursday I was back to grind by working a double with supporting friends in between.  LBC and her man called it quits.  They were together for about 8 months, but with the ten year age difference, along with different stages in their life, they decided to go their separate ways.  He has to move back home due to a job loss and LBC is planning on staying in Vegas.  For a girl that is only 23 years old… she handled it with more maturity then most people would twice her age.  I heart that girl.

Friday was a bit strange.   One of my coworkers that I really only work with on Fridays loves to flirt with me and I do right back.  However, I don’t care to take it further.  Every time we work he asks me to come over after.  I laugh it off.  It’s not that I’m not attracted to him and he is really nice, but I’m simply just not interested.  I just don’t feel or get a vibe.  Later that night another guy that I only work with once showed up and we were suppose to go on a date a few months ago, but we never went.  They were both making comments to me so I decided to sneak out the back.  I was sitting there talking to some friends next door where we got on the discussion of hookups.  I found out randomly that they thought I was the type of person that hooks up a lot.  WTF?  Okay, I will admit I had a run when I first moved to Vegas, but there is a point where one-night stands become old.  I grew out of that.  I mean I will hook up with someone, but I have to know them for a bit first.  I’m going to be 28 years and I have only had sex with 16 guys… I don’t think that is bad?  Not to mention, I haven’t even slept with anyone other than Cali since effin’ January.  Damn… that’s a long time… hmmm… so I guess it confuses me why people would think that.  Well, to each it’s own.  While I was sitting there visiting my phone rang and it was one of the guys from the night.  I called them back when I left and they told me they were at Denny’s.  I stopped by where they got into a conversation about me as if I wasn’t even sitting at the table!  Saying how they have “tried to get me” but I am too hard to snatch.  Another guy that was there piped in saying he gave up months ago.  It went on for a bit, while I was sitting putting jelly on my toast acting like I was ignoring them.  That’s when one of them said, “I thought I had a chance one night and then Cali walks in the room and then she acts like no one else exists.” I dropped the toast and gave him the look of death and said.  “Why would you even say something like that?”  So annoying!  I pretty much lost my appetite in such annoyance.  So Friday I go from being a whore, to a prude, to a bitch… okay, I’m exaggerating… maybe like a slut, a tease, to … I don’t even know.  Whateves. 

Saturday I was feeling really sassy.  I went shopping and got a cute little dress to sport out that night only to be asked to work.  Well… I can’t turn down the moola so I got my sass on at work.  Sunday I just packed because I’m moving out my favorite little apartment.  A mere consequence to getting a DUI, hence having to walk to work.  Gotta do what I gotta do.  Boleyn came over later and we watched “The Way We Were.”  LBC had texted me earlier that day about how she had turned on the TV to Sex and the City where it’s the episode where BIG chooses the less complicated girl over Carrie because men don’t like to be with women they can’t tame so at the end of the episode, she looks at BIG says, “your girl is lovely, Hubbell.”  It’s from “The Way We Were” so I figured I should watch it.  Whew, did that movie bring back memories!  Let’s just say it is relatable.  I must mention though, damn!  Robert Redford was hot when he was young and I don’t even find blondes attractive.  Props to him!

So now I should be cleaning, but I am writing because I hate moving.  Well no matter, I still have to do it… in like 8 hours… ew!  Well after the hard work my mom comes into town this weekend and then next weekend it’s my birthday, which I still haven’t decided what I am going to do.  My mood swings have been so intense lately but I am trying to be more aware and not to be too sad.  I have been noticing a pattern though.  For like two weeks I’m good and two weeks… I use to be a birth control pill that controlled, but when I moved to Fresno I had to switch because I lost my insurance I could afford $70 a month especially when the sex isn’t that consistent.  The pill I take now is different, which means that extra boost isn’t there anymore to help me control it.  On top of my anxiety with outside influences… well let’s just say it’s difficult being a woman sometimes.  But I’m working on it! Until next week…

Don't Make Me Go to Vegas
July 7, 2007

Getting away clears a person’s head.  It gives you time to separate yourself from the problem.  It gives you time to breathe, have fun, and stay calm.  I got away for five days and I think I figured it out… for now.

I arrived in Las Vegas on Monday evening after booking my ticket that day.  I was picked up at the airport by Boston and LBC that were ecstatic to see me as I was just as well.  I hopped in the car and we headed to LBC’s house for a “girls’ night in.”  On the way home I was starving so we decided to swing by Jack-in-the-Box.  I am not quite sure how this happened, but somehow the guy at the window was crushin’ on LBC and “forgot” to swipe her credit card.  Free Jack-in-the-Box?!  Yeah, we were pretty excited.  We made it back to her house and put in “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I got the update on the all town gossip.  LBC and her boy were having troubles, Golfer and Zoey were in super serious mode, and Boston and her “Mr. Big” declared his love to her after 3 ½ years and they decided to finally try a committed relationship.  I was a bit confused on how the single “Sin City” was now relationship haven, but seeing Boston made me happy and gave me hope to know some happy endings can happen.

The next night was Golfer’s birthday.  We headed down to the strip and my old workplace.  It was amazing to see how much things have changed and how much they have not.  I knew the entire staff, which was a shocker, but the vibe in the room was different.  I ran into so many old faces that all asked me how Fresno was going and gave me all these messages to give to Cali.  Nice… I was supposed to be away from him.  We managed to kill four bottles and headed over to Blush.  The place was still hopping as it was their industry night.  I was introduced to some guy where I told him my name and his response was, “oh, that’s my ex’s name… not cool.”  Well, not my problem cause I was not his ex.  I started to feel the buzz as Boston and I got up on the tables to dance.  Ahhh… dancing on tables, how I missed it.  I guess I should be grateful just to dance because that may not be an option soon in Fresno.  A bunch of people went to a room while LBC and I snuck out the side when the peeps weren’t looking. 

Wednesday I was looking forward to chillin’ with Red.  I met her at Blue Martini where the classy lounge had sometime turned into a ghetto dance off.  There were go-go dancers (at a martini lounge) in lingerie and girls with dresses so short you saw their… well… let’s just say you don’t want to know.   Things started to get a little strange when Red got drunk and was hitting it up with this guy.  The guy was not cute, hardly spoke English, and was definitely coked out.  I was not digging the scene and wanted to go.  The only problem was that I was staying at Red’s house.  I 911-ed Zoey who was nice enough to come and get me at 3AM.  She gave me an Ambien where I feel asleep in mid-conversation. 

In the morning Boston came and got me and took me to her pad.  I felt like an orphan child with no means of transportation and moving place to place.  Jordan and Mr. G came to pick me up where we headed to Town Square to return some items.   We stopped at the bistro for a quick bite to eat.  Mr. G was growing up so fast.  It made me sad that I didn’t get to spend more time with them.  However, I must say the bistro or maybe it was Town Square, but I have never seen so many “Vegas” looking peeps in my life at a local joint.  Most of the “elite” stayed on the strip to be seen.  Jordan dropped me back off where a couple of hours later Lilly came and got me for some dessert.  It was nice catching up since I hadn’t seen here since I moved.  She looked the same with redder hair.  We headed back to Town Square to enjoy some Yogurtville.  It was cute as they were playing E.T. in the middle of the park.  She dropped me off at Mist where I met up with Boston.  We headed to Tao where I met up with some Fresno peeps as well.  Nothing like having three bottles of Grey Goose with Boston shaking up shots every few minutes.  I gave my friends a tour of Tao where we snuck up to Tao Beach for a minute.  We then took off and head off to JET.  I miss that place and the faces there.  After a few rounds of shots I realized Boston had gone missing.  In her drunken stupor she couldn’t find me so she just left!  My friends walked me back to my workplace after getting a bite to eat where Golfer was kind enough to drop me off at Boston’s place. 

The week had gone by so fast.  I was nice to see everyone and for five days I felt normal again, but as soon as the plane landed back in Fresno, all the emotions came rushing back.  I know I can’t move back to Vegas.  I had a great time, but towards the end of the week I was already over it.  I still have a battle to face.  I figured I wasn’t going to waste any time and I dropped the question to Cali to know whether or not the girl he has been hanging with was serious or not.  I am not idiot, I am well aware of the fact he doesn’t do “relationships,” but it doesn’t take a genius to understand what I was asking.  I needed confirmation.  I need to hear him say he cares for someone else.  It helps with closure.  Do you think I got that?  No.  Of course, he did what he always does.  He manipulated the question by turning it around and trying to instigate a fight.  He was trying to make it dramatic so I would lash back then we would go into our cycle where I would snap and then he would be hurtful like he always is and then he would get me mad enough where we wouldn’t talk and then he could give himself justification for being an asshole about it.  It’s really quite humorous, but I didn’t give in.  All he had to say was yes or no.  That’s it.  But he doesn’t trust me.  It’s ironic for someone who lies and manipulates all the time, can’t trust someone who has never lied (okay I did once, but it was good lie, it was kind of gift thing).  I have never manipulated my way into anything with him or anyone for that matter.  I have stuck by his side through his down time and through his infamous times, but I never have gotten respect or appreciation for it.  I am always blamed for being a bad person…. Or he doesn’t remember, so I must be lying.  A few weeks ago, I needed him.  I needed him to just be there, hang with me, get me through my fucking day… after I begged, which he tried fighting me then with his hurtful comments, I didn’t give in.  Of course, after I realized I couldn’t rely on him and told him I didn’t need him, he all of a sudden told me I could come to him always.  WTF?!  So I can hear how I have too many feelings and how wrong I am? 

So why? How is it possible to still care for someone that makes me so upset? My therapist told me that has to do with a subconscious tendency for women to look for qualities of their father.  I know it sounds weird.  I told her that was not possible because my father is a very evil man.  I mean scum of the earth, selfish, disgusting person (and that’s me being nice about it).  I know Cali is not at any means like him, no one is, but she said it only takes one quality.  My mother told me my father was really good at manipulating people.  Everyone loved him.  Even though he had a different side to him, he could win over anyone.  Cali knows he has that quality, it’s a good quality to have, if you use for the right means. 

Hmm…. I don’t know.  I don’t know if that’s reason or maybe it is the fact that when we fall in love with a person we don’t want to see that people can change and become a person we no longer know.  I often think, does the person that promise me around Christmas to never hurt me again or wanted to stop being a “douchebag” to me… is he still there?  I think about the good things he does, but did he even mean it?  My birthday is right around the corner, my mom is coming to town, and my book should be ready by the end of this week.  Three major events… that if he is seeing her consistently and won’t give me closure… he can’t be part of.  I am very adamant on never being a “substitute.”  I know I have changed.  I have become a sad little girl wrapped up in my emotions that I am slowly trying to change.  Some moments are good, some moments are bad.  However, if friends or loved one can’t stand by you when you have some dirt on your face from falling, why should they stand by you when you are gleaming and at your best?  Simply put… they shouldn’t; so I guess the events that unfold this week will kind of help decide on what to do… maybe. 

Sweet Like Sugar
June 18, 2009

Okay… two blogs in one week?  I don’t know if my life is getting more interesting or just crazier. Well, it is crazy; I’m working on it at least.  And if it is getting more interesting, at least I can say my life is never boring. 

I had my first therapy appointment yesterday.  Therapy sessions should remain private I suppose, but I have decided to share my journey into the realms of sanity so the things that I am going through perhaps one of my readers are too so they have someone to relate to.  I was pretty much diagnosed with being a severe people pleaser.  I live my life for others, which in retrospect causes damages to my own life.  She said I was pretty far gone, and I was going to take a lot of work.  I was like, “duh.”  However, she is not quite sure I am ready to be fixed yet.  She said it would take a lot of willpower to follow what she says and I can’t do anymore drugs or drink.  No drinking??!!  I don’t feel like I drink to make myself feel better, well sometimes, but I am a bartender.  I like alcohol.  So we compromised for the time being.  She said I could drink, but I will have to be willing to admit why I decided to get drunk. 

Well, last night I got drunk.  Okay, I know probably not the best idea after my first appointment.  I wasn’t really planning on getting “drunk.”  It kind of snuck up on me during the euphoric times of listening to Sugar Ray at Twist.  Y101 put on another free concert for the locals of Fresno with Vertical Horizon opening up once again.  Does this homie live in Fresno?  Whateves, he is a great performer, but I went for Sugar Ray.  They only sang 4 songs… I think… maybe 5?  Anywho, they immediately bolted after.  WTF?  Boleyn and I followed them next door to The Laundry Room.  We hung out for a bit but they were supposed to go back to Twist so we headed back.  In my mess of waiting came shots… not just shots… shooters.  Bad choice.  All of a sudden I found out they were still at The Laundry Room.  I shot on over and got a pic.  I don’t usually post pics in my blog because of anonymity, but come on, I have some bragging rights. 

Eventually Mark did leave me and headed back to his hotel, and I headed back to Twist.  That’s when my drunkenness set into paranoia, worrying about those around me.  So stupid!  I was worried that Cali was mad at me cause I was talking to one of the girls he hangs out with.  She saw me dancing and asked me to show her how to dance to House.  Not that big of deal and what does it matter?  I can talk to anyone.  I don’t know why I get so worried all the time.  Damn therapist.  Of course I had drunk text and woke up this morning feeling like an ass.  Then I snapped myself out of it and started laughing.  If I am going to fix myself I can’t worry about what I did the night prior, the week prior, or even a month prior.  It is done, can’t change it.  And honestly what does it matter if he is mad?  I don’t think he is, but even if he was, who fucking cares?  I can’t worry about making sure everyone is okay all the time. 

The only thing that does sucks is that next week I have to go to my next appointment and tell my therapist I got drunk.  She will judge me, but then again that is her job.  Until then I will go about my day and daydream about Mark McGrath, I mean after all, Jake Gyllenhaal is currently taken. :)

Preconceived Notions
June 10, 2009

Wow… you know it’s been a long time since I wrote a blog when I have to go back and read my previous blog just to remember where I left off at.  It has only been two weeks, but in my life that can be equal to a year with all the changes and stuff that happens with me.  It is June already and I’m less than two months to turning 28 years old!  I know that is young to some, but damn I feel like I’m going to be turning 40 and by this time I should be good.  I am still working on being a positive person, but it is becoming a struggle when things have been so great, but for some reason I am feel like I’m fading and standing alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said it over and over again.  I love my friends and they are great to me but it is hard when you have to figure out who your friends are.  Also, your friends are not the ones who are going to hold you at night when you have countless nightmares or wake up to a new day yet feel the same.  I’m almost 30, shouldn’t I have this figured out somewhat by now?

I left off with my Vegas go-er.  He did get back together with his girlfriend and I stood my ground regarding not hanging out one on one.  The boy was not happy with my decision.  He was extremely offended and didn’t understand my decision.  He felt that because she lived out of town, it shouldn’t be a big deal.  Really? I tried explaining that if the situation was reversed that he would understand, but nope.  I have never dealt with someone so upset about not hanging out with me.  He stated I really hurt his feeling and he misses me… this is after only a few days.  I mean I know I am good times, but we only hung out for a couple of weeks.  I did my best ignoring him and involving myself in work. 

A few days later after Cali’s birthday, I asked him if I could take him to dinner.  I have been battling some inner demons when it comes to him.  I know that perhaps some may think what I did was not the best decision, but to those who understand my position, would understand why I do the things I do.  It has been a couple of months since our last falling out and three months since we last had sex.  The reconnection with him is always a risk for me and I have been hearing a lot of negative things regarding him that would make you think I wouldn’t want to have anything to do him.  But I think one of the major problems him and I face is what other people say.  The preconceived notions we have of each other is due to what other people put in our heads.  Some of things I had heard I didn’t believe.  I didn’t believe because in spite of all the things he and I have been through and half of the time I don’t know what he thinks, I do know his heart and I also know mine.  I suppose going to Vegas was a bit of reminiscent for me and his birthday always is.  It was on his birthday last year that I realized I had fallen for him.  So I took him to dinner. Dinner led to drinking… naturally… and I found myself extremely sexual intoxicated to him.  It had been three months since I have had sex and he was the last one (OMG column?).  I informed him of this and he didn’t believe me.  I don’t know why it bothers me that he thinks I would lie about it.  It doesn’t matter how much I want to have to sex, I will not compromise who I am as a person to have a random hookup.  I use to love those, but somewhere along the line I grew up.  There are too many risks involved with one-night stands and after experiencing my OMG moment, I guess I was good for a while. 

So we ended up hooking up that night.  I know the risks involved when it comes to him, but I have to say it was worth it.  Even after he made me so mad last time where I thought he could never touch me the same way again, he still has it. I really missed him.  I woke up the next morning feeling good.  No regrets and even though I thought for a spilt second, is he going to freak out,  I pushed the thought aside. 

Then came the weekend.  Fresno Prom had finally arrived which meant the peeps coming into town.  LBC, Bellins, Boston, Abbie, Mitch, and others all came for the weekend and the event.  We went out Saturday night where I took them to my workplace.  I heard from Vegas go-er boy and he was upset that he couldn’t hang out when he met all the peeps a couple weeks prior.  I told him he could come and hang.  I figured in a group we would be fine.  We were not.  He was all over me! I kept telling him he needed to chill cause that was the exact reason why we couldn’t hang out.  He told me they broke up and asked if he could come over.  Hmmm…. Right.  He did join in on the after party but I had to go bed early cause I had to get up the next day for my event.  He wanted to sleep in my bed and told him he had to sleep on the floor and that’s when he kissed me.  Yeah… he still slept on the floor.  I don’t know.  I just know what I want right now and it is not him.  Maybe I shouldn’t compare, but when Cali kisses me, I feel it from my head to my toes but when he did it I immediately pulled back.  He woke up the next morning stating he couldn’t believe I made him sleep on the floor.  Whateves.  He wanted to come over.

The next day was prom.  I don’t think I have ever been so nervous for something in my life.  I was irritated with some of my friends that kept me up all night and nervous that not very many people were going to show.  Not very many people did.  A lot people flaked that said they were going to.  I felt bad that my one big thing did not live up to my expectations.  I know it was the first time around, but I expected more.  My publisher and the people that did go were impressed, which in turn made me happy.  I did learn a lot about how to do about it next time around and from the people that were there think I should try it again.  We will see… I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow much less in a full year.  

The next day we all headed to Tower and hung out at Bobby’s.  It is becoming quite the tradition.  It was around the afternoon when the anxiety that has been gone for a long time started creeping back.  I was freaking out about that lonely feeling coming back that I has been haunting me for the last month now.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I went to the only person I felt okay to go to and asked Cali to cuddle with me that night.  I suppose it was probably really intense for him, but at this point what else I am supposed to do?  Everyone got really drunk and I ended up passing out alone for a while, but he did join later.  All night long, I was having horrible nightmares and intense dreams.  I think I only got about two hours of full sleep so I’m grateful he was there because I probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all. 

Last night the peeps threw him a surprise birthday party.  He got pretty drunk really fast.  It was bound to happen when he had a shot handed to him every five minutes!  DJ went to get him a cab and when the cab pulled up someone went and snatched it!  Cali was passed out in a booth by 12:30 and I said I would bring him home.  On the drive back to his place the fear started creeping up.  I don’t know why I get so scared of him freaking out… those damn inner demons.  I shouldn’t even care anymore, but they still whisper in my ear.  I got him inside his place where he immediately passed out on his couch.  It was pretty funny… but I was kind of like… do I stay…. Do I go?  For some reason I felt…. Awkwarrrrrrd… I went to say good-bye and he grabbed hand and held on.  I sat there for a minute, holding his hand feeling a bit sad.  I just wished sometimes he could see me and my feelings and emotions.  That he would know I am not that person that would leave him even though he tries so hard to push me away.  So I was like… ‘‘eff this,” and I laid down next to him still holding his hand.  Wow… now that I write that… it seems really sappy.  HA!   I woke up feeling extremely nauseous.  I went to lie on the floor and he joined me.  I woke up freezing!  I tried to get him to his bed, but I was so cold I just went up by myself.  I woke up to him next to me.  I don’t know why but my heart was beating so fast.  I wasn’t feeling anxious about him, I think I was just feeling anxious about the situation in general. 

I’m at this point in my life where I really want someone to share it with.  I know I have said that before, but I feel like I’m going through a mid-life crisis or something.  It is has been five years since I can say I have a boyfriend.   Whew… that is such a tough word and maybe it is because of Fresno, but it seems as if me being a single older woman right now feels wrong.  I have all these things going on and I have no one to share it with.  Yes… I have friends, which are awesome, but some nights I just want to lie next to someone and not have to vent or hear advice on what to do… I just want to lie next to someone I love and not have to say a word and he will know what to do.  I really miss having that because it doesn’t matter how accomplished you become in your life or how stable you are in your career, friends, and everything in between… cause at the end of the day if you don’t have that one person you can rely on and share things with… it can still be a very lonely world.  I have question about what I have wanted, but I never felt this strange feeling of emptiness.  All I know is that it goes away when I’m around Cali, but I know I have to find a way to separate that because we can’t go back to where we were ever again.  Time does heal all wounds and he will always be that one big “one,” but I can’t expect anyone to change because even though I may think I’m worth it, he has to believe it too.  Whateves…  only time will tell I suppose. 

Like a Broken Record...
May 28, 2009

I realized something this past week.  I am meant to be a writer.  It is what I was deemed to do.  I mean it has to be because that would be the reason why the shit (and good stuff) in my life happens.  It never happens simply.  It is always a tad bit dramatic, even though I don’t like drama, it surrounds me.  Every time the “story” moments happens to me I am amazed, but  I tend to learn a little about more about myself and how others perceive me. 

Smitten Kitten
May 19, 2009

OMG… why do things always have to happen when you least expect.  Sometimes I think it is the universe playing a joke on me to keep me on my toes.  Maybe it is just because life isn’t meant to be boring, but to test to see who will survive.  Things have been great… and things are getting better.  It is official.  Anna is smitten for the first time in a long time.  You better believe I am just as freaked out as I have been in any situation, but this time I am going to try and not let my fear override me. 

It’s funny ya know.  The first thing a girl does when she is a bit smitten by someone is to run and tell her best friends.  Oh, how they know me so well.  Zoey:  “Anna don’t you dare think negative immediately.  Don’t look for the bad, have some fun because you deserve it.”  Bunny:  “Well, I think this is good.  The more I’ve gotten to know you by reading your book is by having someone wanting to fight for you because you fight for them.”  I don’t know.  I hate jumping to conclusions.  Just go with the flow, but I am one that has to prepare myself for anything and everything. 

I guess it started this past Friday.  I don’t know why, but I had a sudden urge to get a bit flirtatious at work.  HA!  I’m so one that does not learn from my mistakes.  Don’t shit where you eat, a lesson I know too well, but if I’m constantly working, what am I suppose to do?  Actually it wasn’t me that initiated the flirty, but I most definitely responded.  So that night when he came in after work, I picked up the flirting even more.  I got his number from a friend and texted a bit after he left.  I woke up Saturday morning with an invitation to lunch.  Now granted, I usually make excuses or over think before I decide to forgo my time to someone else, but this time I simply said, “okay.”  It was nice, just “hangin” out.  No awkwardness and I even stayed for a couple of hours.  Okay I am not going to deny I was thinking about work towards the end, but I still allowed myself to chill for at least a bit. 

Saturday night was BD’s birthday.  Yay!  I love birthdays.  A few of us went out for dinner at Flemings, which was hands down the best meal ever.  I mean a filet mignon that I could cut with my fork and lobster mash potatoes, come on!  After a couple of bottles of wine we stopped at Roe for a couple of shots and headed to Twist for a bottle.  I went outside for a bit to cool off.  I was off in a corner texting my peeps when I heard, “you look kind of lonely, do you need a drink?”  I mean honestly, how cute is that?  Totally unexpected to see him later that night, but also good.  After a while I was a bit tipsy, he had headed home and I consider the thought of going to pick him.  All right, I won’t lie, I was going to, but I got yelled at for trying to drive.  I deserved it, but I just like to think I’m invincible.  After heading to Thomas’s house, I started bugging out and after about four hours I finally got home.

The next day, BD’s birthday celebration continued when I made homemade Italian sauce and Lasagna as an extra gift.  It was just me, Boleyn, and the rest of the boys including Cali.  I didn’t really think he was going to come, but this time I didn’t really care.  I mean he did and I am glad he did, but I didn’t over think it or get anxiety about if he was going to or not.  He passed out within of five minutes of eating.  Everyone eventually left and he was still sleeping.  I didn’t want to wake him because I knew he was tired so I finished up some work and headed to bed.  When I heard he get up, I got up.  He hung out for a bit, but even though I don’t have anxiety on how to handle myself around him, I am still a bit on edge.  It was nice hanging out normal and just relaxing.  It is hard to know where I stand.  I imagine allowing myself to spend time, without question, with someone else should give a little hint, but I also know it is because I know he does it.  How many did I have to watch him make out with someone else or see him leave with another?  I guess eventually I just had to learn to accept the fact that he wasn’t willing to “fight” for me.  Everyday the wounds get closer to healing, but it takes a lot more to forget about it.

Monday night, I worked for a bit and head to Twist as they had Better than Ezra and Vertical Horizon playing unplugged for free!  It was pretty awesome and I even got introduced to a new band call 16 Frames that was pretty good as well.  I started to feel a bit uncomfortable for some unexplained reason so I decided to sneak out. 

Then there was today.  I worked and was suppose to go to the No Doubt concert, but I was too exhausted to be around that many people.  I chilled at work where the boy showed up.  He had told me he was going to stop by but I guess I was still a little shocked to see he did.  I finished up with my work and we went and had a few beers.  It was fun and I let myself just enjoy the time, but even now I still hold my guard up.  Why do I have to think it is automatically time to run when I get a little crush?  I was even shocked at myself when I asked him to come to Vegas with me this Sunday.  Wtf?!  That is way out of character for me.  I guess I figured he would be fun to take.  I don’t know for sure I’m going, but I would love to see my peeps.  I can’t seem to relax while I’m in Fresno because I think of all the things I need to get done.  A sweet escape to Vegas may be just my ticket.  As for my smitten ticket?  One day at a time. Lord knows my last ticket is still lying under a pile of…

Since I've Been Gone
April 16, 2009

“I can breathe for the first time.”  I finally understand what that means.  There is nothing like moving on and feeling a huge weight lifted off my chest.  It’s only been a week, but in that week I have had no anxiety, no tears, and no regrets.  They say it is best to forgive and learn to love again, but I say eff that! Forgiveness brings me nothing but pain and stress so I’ll hold on to the hate until I don’t care enough anymore because so far being a hater has actually made me quite a lover.

Live My Life
March 31, 2009

I use writing as an external source of my mind.  Every blog, every text, every letter allows me to process my thoughts and have them make sense to me.  My blogs are my heart making sense of my brain or maybe my brain making sense of my heart.  Which brings me to my point that per my last blog my heart was heavy and it was time for my brain to fix it.  My up and downs of my emotional statuses are public domain and I turn to my friends to help me through them.  Being determine this time to change and let go of the control my heart has on me, I decided to avoid the public and figure things out on my own.

I isolated myself for a few days.  I really needed to avoid advice and people in general… other than work.  I took the time to feel sad and to really think why I let myself get so worked up.  I gave myself my own advice and took it.  I don’t feel bad about being sad because there is nothing wrong with it.  I chose to be sad, Cali or anybody else doesn’t make me feel that way.  Sure, people’s actions can influence emotion, but it is ultimately a personal choice on how to deal with it.  The alone time I had to myself was a chance for me to get to know myself a little better.

My conclusion was that it was time to bucker up.  I need to be more positive and appreciative.  I get so down on myself when I have to remember, I have it pretty damn good.  I have an apartment, which I chose to live by myself because I like being by myself.  But I also have a great group of friends of when I’m feeling a bit lonely.  With my new job, I have decided that on top of having it good, I’m going to reward myself every time I remain positive.  I woke up Saturday morning feeling good so I went shopping.  Two pairs of shoes, a dress, and a new top later, I felt pretty rewarded. 

I called up a few friends later that night where we dined at Elements, a newer lounge and restaurant over on Marks and Bullard.  The food was fantastic, but the drinks were the best.  Four martinis later, four of us headed over to the Elbow Room.  It was my first time there which I can see why that place has been around so long.  The outside patio is the bomb except for our wobbly table.  After we headed to Twist, which the place was poppin’ with their new 2AM hours, this is definitely the new hot spot along with the tables I danced upon.  Not to remain stagnant, my girl and I snuck over to Roe, which was just as steady for a shot and a drink.  I slept real well that night after seven hours of drinking.

Sunday I was planning on contacting that guy that I met, but I decided not to.  I decided not to because I don’t need to.  When I get upset I tend to find distractions, but distractions are just that… temporary. Feelings don’t go away over night and I am not going to push them away just for instant gratification.  I deserve better than that.  I wanted to relish the day and I finished some goals and to-dos.  I met up with BD later that evening for a quick snack and drink and felt very refreshed by the time I went to bed. 

Today, Boleyn called me up to see if I wanted to have my future told once again.  I figured I probably didn’t need to go, but after hearing the same thing for the 14^th time, I just laughed.  Okay… I get it.  This is my life… take it or leave it.  Since I’ve been told I’m going to live a long life, I suppose I just better learn to accept it.  Even if it is takes baby steps. 

Bellin's Birthday Bash
February 24, 2009

If I could I would put this past weekend in a little box and I would open it when I need a quick fix of fun.  It was Bellins’ birthday this past weekend and he, Golfer, LBC, and Zoey came to take over Fresno.  I had been looking forward to this weekend for a couple of weeks, and it totally lived up to expectations.   However, when the party is over there is usually a mess to clean up, including myself. 

Friday Bellins arrived in Fresno.  He has been to Fresno before so I wanted to make sure I took him to someplace he hadn’t been to.  Boleyn, BD, Bellins, and I headed to Thaiphoon in tower for dinner.  We walked in around 9:30 and were seated in a full restaurant.  Within ten minutes people were getting up and tables were being moved.  At the time our food arrived a stage had been brought out.  In the middle of our meal around 10PM the lights went down and a laser show came on.  Five minutes later the house music was pumping.  It was distracting and not very meal complementing.  We decided to down our drinks and head to Vini’s to meet up with more peeps.  By the time I got to the bar I was hammered.   I guess downing two mojitos and mixing that with cold medicine was a bad choice.  I tried to just dance around to distract myself from the fact my head was spinning. I just had gotten a fresh drink when I saw Boleyn sitting down looking like she was finished.  I took her outside for some fresh air, but she was ready to head home.  I went back into Vini’s to tell Bellins I was heading home and someone said, “hey, what about your drink?”  I looked down to see my full vodka and water just sitting there waiting to be drank.  I took it, stuck it in my purse and sipped on it on the walk home.  By the time we got back to my place I passed out on an air mattress.  I guess I had an after party when everyone got back, but I slept right threw it.

Saturday we woke up early to pick up Golfer, LBC, and Zoey.  Everyone was hurting quite a bit, but had to bucker up because BD, Boleyn, and the rest of us had a Madera Wine Tour to go on.  The limo came to pick up us at 1PM.   It took about 20 minutes to even get on the highway.   Our limo driver had to stop at the bank, Vini’s for Bellins to get his ATM card he left there after he passed out at the bar, and then back to the bank.  After the first stop at Mariposa we were feeling a bit livelier.  The second stop at Chateau Lagosity we were buzzing since we drank a bottle of cab on the way.  By the time we got to Quadry, we were drunk, shouting and screaming Barenaked Ladies on the way there.  The way home was fast and entertaining.  By the time we got back, we had two hours until dinner and round two.  It was rough getting ready.  Arriving fashionably late at Twist we sat down for dinner.  Eating gave us a second wind that was needed as we headed over to the lounge for Patron on ice, Crown Royal, and Grey Goose.  After a few shots, a few cocktails, and a cake we were dancing on benches, tables, and Zoey and I made our way to the top of the bar.  At closing we headed over to Habanos where the shots kept coming.  I was so drunk I wasn’t even able to dance anymore.  Once Habanos closed, we headed over to Cali’s house for an after party.  It was a Vegas reunion.  After dancing and more drinking, Bellins passed out on the floor, LBC passed out on the couch, Zoey and Golfer passed out on the floor of Cali’s bedroom.  I stayed up as long as my leg could keep me standing, but eventually I passed out in Cali’s bed where Cali and Boleyn eventually joined.  I don’t know how long I slept, if I slept at all.  The music kept going with BD and Mitch spinning.  At 8AM, Bellins came inside the room creeping out.  I guess a bunch of people had arrived in the morning, and they were making LBC and Bellins uncomfortable.  We decided to leave.

We went grocery shopping in the same clothes as we all had on from the night before.  There wasn’t even a walk a shame, but four people wandering Save Mart at 9AM looking pretty torn up was pretty shameless.  We headed to my house for a movie marathon and naps.  A few hours later we were back at it and ready to take over Tower with BD, LBC, Cali, Zoey, Bellins, Mitch, Golfer, CB, and myself walking down the street.  We went to Bobby’s first for some Tequila shots.  After a bit, LBC and I left to bring Bellins to the airport.  It was sad to see him go, but I was grateful he came to celebrate his birthday in Fresno.  LBC and I headed back to Bobby’s that ended up closing at 9PM.  We decided to head down to Livingstone’s for just one, but some left that had to work the next day.  With only six left, we headed over to Vini’s for a few more shots and a great cover band.  We thought it would be best to go to one more place, but after LBC and CB went to my house, it was just Zoey, Golfer, Cali, and me left.  The boys sat together to catch up and Zoey and I sat together pondering about ordering food.  Zoey looked at me and said, “Is this weird?” I paused, “um… what do you mean?”  She looked over at the guys and back to me.  “It feels like a mini double date or something.”  Zoey and Golfer are together.  They are very much love.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a battle to get to that point for them, but watching them interact with each other is enduring.  Zoey is also one of my best friends so she knows my history and the present with Cali.  She said, "you always say how great it is you see the chemistry and passion between me and Golfer, but you don't think people see that between you and Cali? Maybe you guys don't want to admit it, but everybody else already sees it."  I look at the guys and turned back to Zoey, “it’s not a double date, Cali doesn’t date remember?”  We ordered food. 

We headed back to my house where we passed out cold until we were woken up at 6AM.  I cooked breakfast for the boys, which made me really nostalgic.  I love to cook.  As time was getting closer to bring them to the airport, I started to get anxious.  In my mind, I was freaking out.  I was concerned that when they left, I didn’t what I was going to do.  I mean I have lots of friends that I love here, but LBC and Zoey are two of my life supporters on how to handle Cali and anything else that comes my way.  They can balance me from freaking out about if he is going to freak out.  When I brought them to the airport, I was so emotional.  I couldn’t stop crying.  It was just a great weekend.  I didn’t want them to go.  I got home to empty house that held a crap load of people all weekend.  It was horribly lonely.  I went to my room to see Cali’s wallet on my nightstand.  I texted him on what he wanted me to do, but was getting confusing answers.  I was so tired, but was jittery so I decided to bring it to his house.  It was a bit awkward for me because I wasn’t sure if that was what I suppose to do.  It had been a long weekend; I didn’t want to push it.  I figured he was already passed out because when I called he didn’t answer.  His roommate opened the door.  When I handed Cali his wallet he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his room.  I was secretly grateful.  I knew I needed to sleep, but if I had to be at home I wouldn’t have been able to.  I was overwhelmed with way too many emotions.  I suppose it was the affects of drinking, but I think it was the affects of confusion.

I fell asleep easily lying next to him, but I woke up even sadder.  I kept thinking, “what the fuck I am doing?”  I am in a city feeling lonelier than I have ever felt.  It could be because of my friends being far away.  I enjoy the company of my Fresno peeps, but I miss having the people that can look at my face and know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling.  On top of that I’ve come to this realization of wanting to believe in love and finding it, but loving somebody so much and having to accept that it won’t be and appreciating what you have, can be okay some days, but really hard for me on others.  Not to mention, this whole dating thing sucks.  Dude #1 was a dud, Dude #2, who I backed out on the date won’t leave me alone (seriously… he texts me everyday, and I haven’t responded in a week, so annoying), and Dude #3, I won’t even give him my number because I already know his type. On top of that, I am forcing myself to change thinking if I become a better person maybe the rest will just fall into place.  I’m not even having sex!  There has got to some kind of payback for that. It just is leaving me frustrated! 

I left Cali’s house around 6PM since he had dinner plans.  I figured he was meeting a girl so I didn’t want to walk out when he was leaving, just makes it awkward for me.  I went home, but got a text from Mitch stating he was going back out.  I figured what better way to get rid of the blues than to drink and sing them away.  I met up with Mitch at BB’s.  After a beer and shot, I felt so much better.  Cali showed up as well.  I was standing there after my singing debut and out of the blue he said, “I went on a date tonight.”  I was floored.  I quickly recovered asking how it was.  My mind was racing.  I kept thinking, “a date? Really? I thought you didn’t go on ‘dates.’”  I wasn’t mad or hurt he went, I was glad he felt comfortable to tell me, but I was bothered about the fact that he called it a date.  Yes, I go on dates, but I never claimed to not date.  When he dropped me off at my car from other bar hopping, I paused because I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t because I wanted to leave the moment on a good note.  I talked to LBC first wondering do I have a right to be bothered?  Even LBC was like, “he called it a date?”  I was like, “I know, right?”  “Okay, so you’re dating and it sucks, he went a date and it sucked, but you guys won’t date each other?”   That’s not my problem; I can’t do anything to change that.  Zoey agreed, but was a bit harsher with me.  First she told me the limo driver had called her asking if I was available to go on a date.  After I told her I wasn’t interested because I just feel I will know when I am suppose to go on date with someone or not.  She feels my judgment might be clouded, which yes perhaps it is.  I guess maybe…  She knows how I feel about fate and time, but she ended the conversation with something to think about, “fate determines who comes into your life, but it is up to you to decide who stays in it.”  Perhaps, but I just don’t feel it is up to me anymore. 

It is What It is...
January 23, 2009

I have had four years to test myself and others, make mistakes (learning from some and repeating others), change, and grow.  I am not the same person I was back in July of 2005.  I am not the same person that moved to Las Vegas.  I am not the same person that experienced Las Vegas.  I am not the same person that left Las Vegas, and I am most certainly not the same person I was one month ago.  People make mistakes, people can change, and people grow.  Of all the people I have ever written about are through my eyes and my eyes only (except for my friends that totally agree me).  No matter who or what I write about should go without judgement.  This is simply my life and how I deal with…

Surviving Las Vegas
January 27, 2009

It was funny to me when people use to ask me, “How can you live here,” when I use to live in Las Vegas.  I would always respond with, “Because I live here.  I am not a tourist so I don’t power play it every night.”  I never really experienced being a tourist because I never went to Vegas before I lived there.  I have been back there once prior since I moved, but I was really sick so I didn’t really party hard.  However, this past weekend, I found myself asking, “How did I live here?”

Sometimes in life you just have to walk away.  Life is a constant challenge with up and downs with some having it worse than others.  I have been going through my up and downs for the past two years with each down getting worse and lasting a lot longer.  I by no means have it “rough” just with everything feeling so overwhelming I decided it was time to take a break and regroup and start over… miles and miles away.

I think Bunny said it best… “sometimes you just have to go back to roots to remind yourself who you are.”  So in a blink of an idea I decided to pack up and head home to the Midwest.  Just a temporary move for a couple of months.  Everyone has been extremely supported from California, Las Vegas, and back home.  I suppose some may think what I did was a cowardly move, running away from problems, but for the first time I didn’t run away, I walked, and leaving with the ability to return.  Well, actually I have to cause I still have my apartments fully furnished and a full closet of clothes… and shoes!  It was just at the point where I was looking at myself and being overwhelmed by what people thought of me and honestly a friendship that I had built was being destroyed with people following him that I came to reason that it was time to break before I broke.  I hate losing friendship, but this experience has already reminded that those who are friends will be there, support you, and still be there when you are fixed.  Things have just gotten so ugly and effed up that instead of staying and fighting for something that wasn’t worth fighting for anymore.  I had have a few good moments stored up in my memory and I was afraid that I was going to lose them all and I refused to only think of any experience, friendship, or relationship as a complete regret.  So I took my few good moments, along with two very full suitcases, and the last little moola I had left, I boarded a plane on Saturday after saying my tearful good-byes to Natasha, Mama T, Max, Thomas, and CB. 

 I arrived in my new city of Minneapolis and was picked up by Claudia, my longest friend that has known since the 4^th grade.  If anyone could help me find myself it would be the one that knows me the longest.  We immediately headed downtown to Aqua, a nightclub I wanted to check out for possible job, but I wasn’t that impressed.  However beggers can’t be choosers so when I saw a familiar face come down the stairs I approached him to find out that he was a manager.  He actually lived in Las Vegas (okay who hasn’t at this point) and use to hang out at the company I worked for… bonus!  He referred me to check out a sister company that was actually the other place I was looking at working and also named one of the hottest lounges in Minneapolis… double bonus. 

Once we got to her place, I felt like I had just entered a dream world.  Living in a high rise in downtown Minneapolis I was introduced to the elite with a view of the entire city.  Claudia is being extremely supportative and kind, which has really helped me ease my decision.  As much as it is hard to leave my home it has already been an eye opener.  It is nice to see normalicy, whatever that may be, but to go a night without any drama, to be able to just hang without getting plastered, and to realize that dysfunctional relationships are nationwide.  I guess it’s not where you are, but who you are.  What has happened to society and women today?  We allowed to put in these unhealthy situations because we seem to fall in love with the wrong person and fight for someone that doesn’t want to fight for us?  In the end we end up heartbroken, anxiety ridden, and having messed up relationship because we seem to not be able to break the cycle.  Is it because we live off the concept of Sex and the City and ever other movie that has been hitting the box office lately, (The Ugly Truth, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, My Best Friend’s Girl) that the typical commitment phobia male seems to finally manage to find their wings?  Well Sex and the City 2 is in production and they better not be missing with Big and Carrie, cause hell, if they can’t make then there really is no hope for these men.  Notice, I said men not women.  Well, I am making it my goal to break it and find, even if it just temporary to treat me the way I deserve… or hell, just to have some fun…. Oh yeah, and make some money while I’m at it, not be confused with hooking.  Go on some dates, maybe a little more, in one of the top cities for singles in the nation.   Oh, this is going to be fun.

Remember the Time
August 20, 2009

Remember when my blogs use to be fun, carefree, and a bit promiscuous?  No emotional baggage, no negativity, and the only worry was where I was heading out that very night… ah, yes those were the days.  Of course, life brings you challenges, love can kill slowly, and drinking sometimes is not the solution to forget what happened or numb how you feel.  These are the things I have learned in only one week of standing tall and on the journey of self discovery.  I deleted all the blogs that have been too emotional or negative.  I do appreciate the bad times as much as the good, but I have been using my blogs as self-therapy when I realized that maybe I should be putting those emotions in a journal instead of the public.

So since I’ve been home, I have been reliving some great moments.  Like I said before, Claudia and I have been friends since the 4^th grade when I gave her a bear that said “good friends.”  We were double trouble in high school with our smartass remarks and sarcastic humor.  We had house parties at my place every weekend and managed to skip school every day as we headed to our local bakery for lunch.  We never got in trouble and managed to survive our high school years with a bang.  It hasn’t been much different since we “teamed up” again.  Everyday we sit and chill, talk and laugh debating if we will be making a mark on our 10 year reunion as “Romy and Michelle.” 

Monday we went out to check out a few places to see if I could get the d’s on working there.  We stopped by Elixir where we walked in to being the only two people in there.  We made the best of our time as we joked with the bartender who was also a fellow writer.  He was hilarious.  He even gave me a beer key that was a rare find on the West Coast.  Since the crowd was lacking we picked up and walked to El Barrio where it was booming for their Industry Night.  Claudia ran into an old friend and I found us a table on the patio.  Within minutes a guy walks up asking if he could join us.  It was his friend’s birthday and they wanted to sit with us.  Who I am to deny a birthday wish even if I wasn’t interested?  His friend arrived seeming a bit surprised that his friend picked out a table with ladies and I smelled a set up.  We humored them for a bit but decided it was time to head Uptown.  We left with one of the guys telling us he enjoyed our company since we were so attractive.  Wow… that guy need to try a bit harder at being smooth. 

Claudia and I arrived at the country bar and I walked into heaven.  There in the back of the bar sat something I had missed for so long, darts.  A round of Cricket reminded me I was a bit out of practice.  We got a ride home from a couple of guys where one spoke a bit much and the other didn’t say one word at all.  Claudia knew them so I was assured we were safe even though I always get paranoid.  One asked me out to lunch where I politely declined, which heated him into a discussion of how too independent and strong I was because I wouldn’t let a man take me to lunch.  Hmmm… or maybe I just didn’t want him to?  Yeah that conversation was less than exciting so I headed to bed. 

I remained ambitious through the week and interviewed for a job, which I got! The interview consisted of one question and told me when I could start.  So I did, last night.  I don’t know if I didn’t really notice people when they danced or got drunk over the last four years or the Midwest just knows how to break it down!  I stood there on down time and observed people getting grinded against the bar and girls breaking it down on the dance floor.  Then it happened… hitting on the bartender.  This has been a long time because in Fresno, I don’t know I guess I never really had a lot of it.  Oh, getting hit on from the young drunk boys is always entertaining.  It usually takes them all night and a lot of drinks.  It went something like this. 

Guy stands at bar in view of me but not in front of me.  He waits and watches to see if I will make eye contact with him.  I don’t.  He ventures his way over in front of me with a full beer.  I give him the “do you need something” look.  He doesn’t responded just waves his hand “no.”  I step back and go back to observing the crowd.  He waves me back.

GUY: What’s your tattoo?

ANNA: What?

Guy points at my tattoo.

ANNA: Oh. Leo.  I’m a Leo.

Guy scuffs.

GUY:  I’m such an idiot.  I should have known that.

I give a half smile and step back to my original spot.  Guy waves me back over.

GUY:  What do I call you?

ANNA: What?

GUY: What do I call you?

ANNA:  Are you asking what my name is?

Guy nods.  I tell him three times before he hears.  I don’t ask him his.  I step back.  Guy waves me back over and my annoyance factor is going up. 

GUY: What time do you get off?

ANNA:  We close at two.

GUY:  What time do you get off?

ANNA: I don’t know.  I have to clean and stuff.

GUY:  Do you want to hang out after you’re done?

ANNA: No.

Guy looks offended.

ANNA:  Sorry.  I’m seeing someone. 

GUY:  Do you wanna hang out Friday?

ANNA: No.

Guy puts his hands up with a confused look on his face.

ANNA:  I’m seeing someone.

GUY: So?

ANNA:  I have a boyfriend.

Guy gives me the “talk to the hand” and walks away.  Okay.  So I don’t have a boyfriend and usually I have no problem just telling guys that I’m not interested, but I didn’t know if he would have understand. 

However, I did see a few potentials, which I forgot how good Midwest boys can look.  So innocent… maybe.  I was pretty happy with my new job and took a cab home.  The cab driver wasn’t from around here and he made a statement about how much he loved how everyone was so nice in the Midwest.  He just loves the city.  I looked out the window as I saw drunk couples laughing as they were trying to step over some train tracks.  I smiled and said, “So do I.”

Take Me Out
August 27, 2009

I don’t even know how to blog about this past week.  I feel like I stepped out of my reality zone and into some crazy alter twilight zone, which is no reference to vampires.  It was kind like one of those, “really? Did that just really happen” weeks.  Well… I suppose it did, I get to be lucky enough to write about it.

It started on Thursday when Claudia and I headed across the border into Wisconsin to head to a strip club.  A friend of a friend was trying out for their amateur night there and needed peeps to cheer her on.  Obviously this girl was nervous because not only was she wasted but I think she was on some heavy drugs.  Not to mention this girl is… well let’s just say not stripper ready.  I think she confused lap dances with dry humping as she was ripping shirts and pulling guy’s hair.  On top of that she fell over during one of her dances taking the guy with her.  One she got on stage it wasn’t much better as sweat was dripping down her face.  Hence she didn’t win because we left before she had to go into her second song along with half of the beaten men.  It was like watching a bad train wreck where you feel horrified but you have to watch… very strange.

Saturday I was suppose to hang with hot boy, but I decided to ditch out at the last minute.  Two reasons: 1. Claudia needed a girl’s night out and “hoes before bros” and 2. As intrigued as I was to see if I could get a quick hookup, the vibes started to get a bit strange.  Oh, actually three reasons because also I have pattern of a quick hookup during my “moving on” stages, which I am trying to break habits to move on the way I should instead of the way I only know.  So Claudia and I hit the town with a bang.  We headed to Aqua first where she ran into a familiar face.  It didn’t take long for the drinks to set in so as she started dancing with her guy, I was yanked onto the dance floor by a different guy.  I don’t know who he was but he smelled fantastic!  After a dance we just started making out on the dance floor… so classy.  I danced and made out for a few more songs but when I felt he was getting a little too excited, I made a fast getaway.  I found Claudia where she was ready to go just as fast.  I asked her what was up with her boy and she was like, “uh, he just offered us to go to an afterparty and take some Ecstasy.”  Yeah… time to go. 

So we made our way down to Drink where the line was half way down the street and they were charging cover, which are two things that are a no go with me.  Claudia and I walked up to the front of the line and simply said, “Can we go in the exit way so we don’t have to wait in line?”  The door guy smiled and said, “if you have some ID.”  That’s how it goes ladies… confidence.  We only stayed for one drink as we were getting over the night.  A must stop at the pizza place next door and we hailed a cab.  He stopped to pick up the girls in front of us, but when they went to open the door, one girl starting throwing up.  Hence, we got the cab.  However, we should have waited for the next one.  The guy started freaking out about the pizza stating we were not allowed to eat in the car.  I told we wouldn’t because we were one mile from our place.  He kept repeating himself stating we were drunk and drunk girls never listen.  “This not a dining room ladies!” I started laughing, which he got angry with me.  “You think this is funny?  You find humor in what I’m saying?”  I told him he needed to relax and to pull over.  We would rather walk the rest of the way than make him anymore money.

We walked about a block and an eaten pizza slice later when we heard someone shouting as us.  I turned to see a tour bus parked across the street.  The bad members asked us to come in and hang with them.  I told them we would for a minute, but if the engine started we were making a run for it.  They were being a bit cocky stating they were a country band that was about to hit big.  I don’t really listen to country so I told them I didn’t really care.  I made a comment that I like Jesse James, who is a bit country and pop.  The lead singer mention he knew her and how great it was that someone could make it being so old.  I was like old? She is like 21.  He claimed she was thirty.  I explained to him that Monroe just did a review on her and I would bet him $1 that she was younger.  He obviously didn’t understand the concept of the $1 bet because he was like “ooo... $1.”  I pulled out my phone when he started laughing stating that Google will not be accurate.  Anyone can say they are 21 on the Internet.  Yeah… cause that would cause tabloids.  They did play one of their songs for us that sounded pretty decent and told us their name of the band, which I didn’t acknowledge because I don’t remember.  They wanted us to hang longer, but once their tour manger came in and made a comment, “great drunk party groupie girls.” Groupie?  Uh, no… we could care less so we hopped out and made our way home.  If they are going to be big, they better get use to drunk groupies girls.

Sunday was nice because I finally got to see my brother and hang out.  I haven’t seen him since Christmas and we just walked around downtown for a couple of hours.  I love downtown… I love that I can walk downtown.  After a snack and catching up he left and a couple of hours later Claudia and I headed out.  We went to Sneaky Pete’s where the bouncer immediately remembered us.  “Are you planning on dancing on the bar tonight?”  It had been a week almost, how does someone remember that? 

I guess I am just unforgettable.  A new weekend is right around the corner and I am excited yet nervous to see what is in store for us.  I don’t know, it has a lot to live up to after this past week.

Illusions
September 2, 2009

A picture can say a thousand words.  A smile, a pose, a person in one picture can seem happy, sad, mad, or in love.   However the reality is that a picture is a moment, a captured second of someone’s life.  Something that may seem one way may never truly be the way it is.  I learned that when I use to have people make comments to me about the pics I have.  How it looks like my life is so much fun, not a care in the world, but in actuality I was struggling, not knowing what tomorrow would bring or if it would come at all.  Reality is hard.  I suppose maybe that is why I take so many pictures (I literally have close to 3000 pictures) because when moments get so hard I turn to the pictures --reminders of those happy seconds. 

I was gearing up my camera Friday night as Claudia, and her friend Rebecca were about to get ready to hit the night scene when the devastating news of DJ AM’s death was announced.  I was in shock. I guess I found it so upsetting because not only did one of the greatest DJs had passed away but also because he had just survived a plane crash over a year ago.  A second chance at life and he still couldn’t find happiness.  The assumption to his death is still not verified, but assumed overdose is more than disturbing.  He was nine years sober and still ended up falling, some say it was anxiety or heartbreak.  I know both so very well, which just shows that people who don’t experience it will never understand it.  I felt at one point the pain was greater than the value of life, but I truckered though because I am blessed to have people in my life that do understand.  But it just goes to shows life is never guaranteed… so make sure to live each to the fullest, which that is exactly what we three did that night.

We started off at the Seville for their bomb happy hour, but didn’t have to pay a cent.  A nice gentlemen looking to burn some time paid our bill… very nice.  We headed down to Bar 508 for a quick drink where we met some guys that were part of the Mary Poppins set.  One of the guys had just broken up with his girlfriend.  Well… she broke up with him because he had a fear of commitment and didn’t treat her right and now he wanted he wanted her back.  Typical… However, they were fun so we took them to Gay 90’s to get in touch with their feminine side.  We headed upstairs to meet up with some other girls and got front row seats to the drag show.  It was my first time seeing drag and it was fantastic! There was Lady GaGa, which I was kind of impressed that he or (she?) could fit in a white bodysuit without any bulges, Madonna, Diana Ross, and so many more talented acts.  Guests can tip a dollar for a kiss on a cheek.  You better believe I got a little kiss! It was such a good time even though the guys we came with didn’t last long.

After the show we scooted out and headed to the road for our night out pizza slice.  On the way this random guy on the street jumps in front of me and starts barking at me!  I simply took a sharp step to the left to avoid being attack.  It was very strange.  We made it home without anymore weirdoes.  Well, this weekend I will most certainly be living life to the fullest.  Natasha is coming all the way from Fresno to see me.  It is her first time in the city of Minneapolis and I have lots of things in store for her! 

On a final note… I give this piece of advice.  Never go to sleep mad at the people you care about, make sure the last words you may say to a person is what you will stand by and try to remember every action you may do is something that may be your last so stay noble, stay true, and make sure it counts!

Fearless
September 8, 2009

I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about music.  I love it.  I love all kinds of music, may it be for the beat or the lyrics, but it is moves me physically or emotionally, I appreciate it.  Then there are the special songs that move me as a person and my latest favorite is Fearless by Coble Caillat.  Once reviewed on our go-to girls website a couple of years ago, she stands out amongst the others.  I seriously listen to this song about four times a day.  It is like my new affirmation to keep me strong.   The song starts out as “If that's the way you love, you've got to learn so much.  If that's the way you say goodbye and this is how it ends.” Whew! Talking about striking a chord with me.  This week has been a weird week for me.  I have been coming to terms with a lot of things and I know myself enough to see how much in only a month I changed.  To say things have been perfectly blissful would be a lie, but surprisingly every challenge I’ve come about nothing has seemed as bad as the heartbreak I endured, which I suppose in the end has left me… well… fearless. 

Perhaps it is because I haven’t had any drama or maybe I have just found my switch to turn off all emotions, or maybe it is simply out of sight, out of mind, but having a clearer mind has really helped me focus on what I want to do with my life and what I want out of it.  The anxiety isn’t completely gone, but it has gone down immensely and my feeling for the outlook of life has just been simplified.  It was refreshing this weekend having Natasha come and visit.  Like she said it best, “it was a great feeling being like old times and going out and finding boys to flirt with.”  That it was.

Natasha arrived late Wednesday night where we went out downtown for a little bit.  We went to Sneaky Pete’s for a minute where I ran into one of my coworkers who invited us to another bar called the Barfly.  HA!  I love it because I use to be called that.  It was weird seeing beer pong played in the middle of the nightclub, but this is the Midwest.  On Thursday we went to the Minnesota State Fair.  It was my first time there.  We went kind of late and manage to eat more than our share in a short time.  We started off with a corn dog, then on to cheese curds (yummy!), had a “real s’more” with a 20 oz of Liene’s Honeyweiss, tried a gator on a stick (not so good) and finished off with a bag of mini donuts.  I thought I was going to burst by the time we were done and we managed it to down all that in less than hour.  We didn’t go on any rides in fear of throwing up. 

Friday we went out for pizza and headed to my workplace cause the Minnesota Vikings were having an afterparty there.  I figured since I was an employee I would manage to get at least one pic, which we did with Adrian Peterson.  Talk about a hottie in person and very nice!  However, he wasn’t the only nice guy.  As Natasha and I were dancing on the dance floor this guy comes up and starts dancing with me.  I went with it because he wasn’t trying to grind or get all touchy feely.  When I ran into someone I knew I pulled away and started chatting while Natasha started talking to the dancer’s friend.  When I came back, the dancer simply said, “I thought you were my wife.  How could you just leave me like that?  Do you even know where are kids are?”  I busted out laughing.  I love it! That is the sarcastic humor that I love.  So after a bunch of flirting I found out he was from Canada and he was here with a team of guys that were playing baseball.  His friend tried getting us to kiss when he said he couldn’t because he had a girlfriend.  I was so impressed with his honesty.  He was impressed that I didn’t get pissed.  I told him that I didn’t care, I wasn’t looking to really marry him, and it is hard to find a guy that is actually honest.  We hung out with them the rest of the night and he said he would come and see me the next night at work.  I told them I would make Natasha come out and she would need someone to hang with.

Saturday I had to go to work after a long day of walking.  I took Natasha to our local Pho 79, which for those who like Pho soup, this place is off the hook for Pho.  Who knew that Minnesota could offer such good Pho?  After that we walked down to the Sculpture Garden but after all that walking, we were over it.  We crashed out for a while then headed off to work with Natasha by my side.  I didn’t know if the boys would actually show up, but they did.  The dancer kept asking me to get off work so we all could hang, but it wasn’t happening.  He told me he would be in town until Tuesday and decided we would hang out on Monday.  Natasha left with them as they went to a gentlemen’s club with the promise they would bring her back.  She ended coming back with his friend and they headed back home while I finished up.  A few hours later I had to take Natasha to the airport.  The weekend went by so fast.  I wasn’t ready for her to go just yet.  Having her around stirred up a lot of memories for me and it made me a little homesick. 

Monday the dancer texted me and we agreed to meet up for a drink.  I headed downtown early just to walk around and clear my head.  I didn’t have any intentions with him other than some simply flirting.  He had a girlfriend and that’s a barrier I wish to never pass again.  After a bit he called me stating he had to cancel.  He didn’t feel comfortable meeting me because he couldn’t trust himself and he didn’t want to disrespect his girlfriend.  I thought it was extremely admirable.  He thought I would be mad, but I wasn’t at all.  I explained to him that it takes a lot of courage to call someone up and admit to being a scared because he would never see me again anways.  Most guys wouldn’t even call or make up some excuse on why.  It was so refreshing to hear the truth.  He said he had never met someone like me and I told him the same. 

I ended it with wishing him and his girlfriend happiness and if it is true love and happiness… don’t let it go because it a rare thing to find.  Even after two and half years he remains loyal to her… a diamond in the rough that gave me hope that there are a few good men left out there.  I was still in the mood for a drink though so I did something I have never done before.  I went to a bar… by myself… where I didn’t know anyone.  I went to the Local, which is the number one Jameson selling Irish pub in the world… even beats out Ireland I guess.  I mean I don’t have a problem going to a bar by myself if I know at least the bartender or even someone else that works there, but never without knowing anyone.  It reminds you of how alone you are, but this time I was really okay with being alone… because sometimes it is worth the wait because it was that moment I truly believe in love and that happiness is out there, it will just come when the time is right, even if it takes until I’m 80.  If you don’t believe in love or happiness, it will never come because that is the message you are sending out.  Even if you believe, being with someone that doesn’t won’t change that person, it only changes you to question your own beliefs.

So I’ll end this where I began… “If it's between love and losing, to never have known the feeling and I'm still sad we've loved.  And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love. So go on, go on and leave my love out on the street.  I'm fearless… better believe I'm fearless.”

So I have been a bit MIA… I haven’t missed a week of writing in about a year, but I’ve been busy working here over in the Midwest and not really playing.  However, I finally got a night to hit the streets this past weekend with myself on Friday and joined up some friends on Saturday.

In order to “find” one’s self, I figured it is best to get to know myself.  I went on date on Friday… with myself!  I really wanted to see “Love Happens” and since there are not many movie goers in Minneapolis, I went alone… for my first time ever.  This may not seem like a big deal, but it was too me.  I recommend it to anyone because a good test to see if you are really okay with being on your own is seating in a theater alone when everyone else is on a date.  After the movie, I went to get a bite to eat and a beer.  I walked around downtown with my music jamming in my ears to observe the people out and about and those who live on the streets. I felt like was in a movie montage.  When I did find a place, I walked up to the bar only to hear my name being called.  I’m thinking WTF?  Who do I know here?  I turned around to see a girl I knew in high school.  She recognized me from Facebook.  We caught up a bit until I scooted off for some food.  I walked upstairs of Brit’s Pub to be a sheep among the wolves.  Holy smokes!  Brit’s is a mini bowling Irish pub and the men are endless.  However, I wasn’t interested in being bothered and once I starting getting approached I decided it wasn’t a good idea to cheat on myself so I headed off to a different area of downtown.  After a tall Lienes Honeyweiss and a small app I decided it was time to call it night.

Saturday, Claudia, her boyfriend, Rebecca, and I hit the town as we started off at Sneeky Pete’s.  Rebecca almost had a hard attack when we walked outside as she saw her favorite players from Minnesota Wild Hockey team.  I went to talk to them a bit while she got the courage to ask for a pic.  I personally found them extremely arrogant.  I hate it when people think they are way cooler than they are.  However, I will say the one Rebecca like the most was probably nicest.  After Rebecca slammed about four shots, Claudia spilt her drink twice, and I got my ass slapped by the bartender, we headed to the next destination, Aqua.  It was a bit busy, but after a while Claudia and her boyfriend went home while Rebecca and I journeyed to the next location, Elixir.  On the way there she ran into her boyfriend from 8^th grade.  It doesn’t take long to a make a big city into a small town.  We ran into them again as we headed back to Sneeky Pete’s.  His friend was hitting on me hard core and ask me if I would marry him if I was impressed by a magic trick.  I was in awe.  He took a lit cigarette and made it disappear only to pull it from behind his ear.   I think I made him do it about six times.  I couldn’t figure it out so conceded to his hand in marriage.  At bar time it was pizza time and since our favorite spot was closed we headed to Pizza Luce where the line was around the corner.  Ever been frisked before walking into a pizza place?  Yep, this place is just that busy.  We chilled for a second but when the guys started making ignorant comments we decided it was time to bounce.  This guy got so mad at me that I was leaving.  I hope he realized I wasn’t serous about seeing him… oh these Midwestern boys. 

As much fun as I have had here… I’m starting to get restless.  I miss my home, not Fresno so much, just my actual home.  My pictures, my clothes, my car, my memories all sit in a one-bedroom apartment 1000 miles away.  I have six weeks left to go here until I am due back to take care of some previous matters and finally getting my license back. I can technically go back a little earlier, but I’m going to try to stick it out.  I’m changing a little bit everyday and I think the more I change, whether it is for the good or bad, I think it is important to feel 100% when I go back even though I don’t plan on staying there very long.  Everyday is an adventure with me and I have decided where my next place will be to head into the next chapter of my life, but I know I need to end this one first and the one I previously started. 

Age is a funny thing.  In retrospect, it is just a number that marks how many years we have been alive.  It is not necessarily how you old are or how old you feel… or simply put you are only as old as you feel.  It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.  All the cute little sayings to make one feel better about turning 30, 40, or whatever age they are turning.  When you are in Las Vegas, age is nothing… the only number that matters is 21 to be able to drink, gamble, and seek out amateur porn.  I certainly like to act young when the enticing neon lights give you the signal to let loose and get a little frisky.  It just sucks waking up where the only light is from the sun to remind of reality. 

I’ve been back in Vegas for what feels like a month.  Back to the go, go, go, shots, shots, shots, dancing in random spots, finding a quick crush, and completing it with a classic walk of shame.  The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest nights of the years to go and gather with friends, which Max, Golfer, Bellins, Katy, LBC, Boston, and I accomplished that goal by hitting Town Square.  We all met up at Cadillac Ranch because the line to Blue Martini was wrapped around the corner.  Golfer was meeting up with some of his friends that were in town for the holiday.  I walked in a little crabby, but my mood immediately changed when I spotted the new group along with a hottie that threw me for unexpected look.  I turned to LBC and simply said, “so… Golfer’s friend is really hot… this could be trouble for me.”  You see I have this specific type that truly sets me in this different mode.  It’s as if I know right away whether I should pursue and that I definitely did.  It didn’t take long and only two patron shots before we were flirting and dancing.  I don’t really even know how it began because it was like we weren’t talking then he was asking me if I was ready to go.  I immediately started freaking out when we got back to his room when I realized I left with a friend of a friend… awkward. 

That “awkwardness” soon went away when I was distracted by kissing him… I heart good kissers.  Of course kissing let to a lot more fun, but once done I went into “old one night stand Vegas mode,” no sleeping over.  I really wanted to leave, not because I was uncomfortable with him, just uncomfortable with myself.  I did not want to “cuddle.”  There is something intense with cuddling.  It’s like I can have sex with anyone numerous times and not feel any connection.  However, when you cuddle with someone you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting that someone is not going to take advantage of it.  That feeling vulnerability develops into a sense of security and trust or as some may feel… a connection.  I did end up staying, but I didn’t sleep and by the time 7:30AM rolled around I rolled out of bed.  It was Thanksgiving and I had pies to bake.  We walked down to the casino together, which classified my walk into shame when a family of five and some grandparents joined up in the elevator.  Awesome.  When I got home I got a lot grief… with a house full of people and two moms… that was bound to happen.  He joined on the festivities later, which wasn’t awkward because I was way too tired to feel anything.  LBC and I went out later that night to visit Boston at work and I was suppose to meet up with him again, but I was too tired and way too sore to involve myself into any activity. 

After a full night’s rest I woke up to celebrate LBC’s birthday.   I have spent the last two years with her on her special day and you better believe the third time is a charm.  The family all got together and headed down to Café Ba Ba Reba for some tapas and drinks.  Starting off the night with two martinis set both LBC and I in feisty mode.  After dinner we headed to Caramel for shots and to meet up with some more peeps including the boy.  We stayed for quite a bit and slammed shot after shot.  Caramel was packed and we were dancing up a storm.  Our party had to continue on so we headed on to Prive where Golfer had set up a comp bottle from one of his friends that worked there.  We got to the front and we were denied!  I guess showing up at 1:30AM was a bit too late.  Can’t keep a good group down so we walked down to HTZ where we were giving a bottle for the bday girl.  We went through it in less than 30 minutes.  We tried going back to Prive where we were allowed in but Bellins had realized he had lost his I.D. somewhere along the way.  I went up with Max for a bit so he could say hi to one of friends.  The group got separated which led LBC and the boys to head back to Caramel, Golfer was with the moms playing slots, and Bellins and Katy were wondering the casino.  When Max and I got back downstairs we ran into them and decided to walk back to Caramel.  Before we reached the Bellagio doors, Max and I had lost Bellins and Katy.  That’s what happens when a big group of people get too drunk.  Everyone gets A.D.D. and disappears. 

We walked into a drunken mess as LBC and the boys were being tackled by a very drunk Boston. After a drink was spilt and Caramel was getting ready to close, it was time to go.  Max and LBC went one way and I went back the boy.  We hooked up again... naturally… but this time I stayed and slept just fine.  Not a good thing for me.  Wait…  I mean it’s not bad, but it crossed a line.  I realized enjoyed his company, but didn’t really know anything about him.  I wanted to know more.  I wanted to have more time, but alas he was leaving.  I realized at that moment my car was still at the Bellagio and we were at Paris.  It was 11:30AM.  The sun was shining and the strip was packed.  I was going to have to face the walk of shame in short strapless red satin dress and black suede high heel shoes.  It was mortifying to walk that far.  I could have just held up a sign stating “yes I hooked up with the person walking next to me.”  Awesome.  Hands down my most embarrassing walk of shame and yet so classy as we walked passed Chanel, Armani, and Prada. 

I brought him and his friend to the airport and he left with a kiss goodbye.  I was feeling very strange about it all.  I don’t know why really.  I suppose I was just overwhelmed with facing the reality I was back in Vegas.  My emotions were quickly distracted though when I checked my phone to realize I wasn’t the only one that didn’t make it home.  LBC had her own little fun with an ex… birthday sex she said.  It was fine with her until her ex made into a bigger deal than what it had to be.  I never understood how a guy freaks out after sex especially when the girl is expecting nothing out of it.  Can’t two people hook up that know they are sexually connected without all the drama? 

I’ve been back in Vegas for almost three weeks now and every night has been a trip.  I am very happy with my decision.  It is nice spending time with my Vegas family especially coming back at a time not only when I needed to but when others needed me to as well.  It is important to spend the holidays with people that care, to have them remind you of who you are, and are happy to have you back to normal.  It fees good to be happy and actually feel like I’m back to normal… about 95% there.  I just have a couple of loose ends to clear up.  I have been on the hunt for a job every day while trying to reconnect with friends and helping those who need it as well.  Times are transitioning as some are dealing with breakups, some are dealing with new loves, and some are dealing with consequences of their drunken actions.   I can guarantee if my next chapter in Vegas is anything like it has been these last three weeks, waking up in Vegas is going to be the best decision I have ever made. 

Age is a funny thing.  In retrospect, it is just a number that marks how many years we have been alive.  It is not necessarily how you old are or how old you feel… or simply put you are only as old as you feel.  It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.  All the cute little sayings to make one feel better about turning 30, 40, or whatever age they are turning.  When you are in Las Vegas, age is nothing… the only number that matters is 21 to be able to drink, gamble, and seek out amateur porn.  I certainly like to act young when the enticing neon lights give you the signal to let loose and get a little frisky.  It just sucks waking up where the only light is from the sun to remind of reality. 

I’ve been back in Vegas for what feels like a month.  Back to the go, go, go, shots, shots, shots, dancing in random spots, finding a quick crush, and completing it with a classic walk of shame.  The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest nights of the years to go and gather with friends, which Max, Golfer, Bellins, Katy, LBC, Boston, and I accomplished that goal by hitting Town Square.  We all met up at Cadillac Ranch because the line to Blue Martini was wrapped around the corner.  Golfer was meeting up with some of his friends that were in town for the holiday.  I walked in a little crabby, but my mood immediately changed when I spotted the new group along with a hottie that threw me for unexpected look.  I turned to LBC and simply said, “so… Golfer’s friend is really hot… this could be trouble for me.”  You see I have this specific type that truly sets me in this different mode.  It’s as if I know right away whether I should pursue and that I definitely did.  It didn’t take long and only two patron shots before we were flirting and dancing.  I don’t really even know how it began because it was like we weren’t talking then he was asking me if I was ready to go.  I immediately started freaking out when we got back to his room when I realized I left with a friend of a friend… awkward. 

That “awkwardness” soon went away when I was distracted by kissing him… I heart good kissers.  Of course kissing let to a lot more fun, but once done I went into “old one night stand Vegas mode,” no sleeping over.  I really wanted to leave, not because I was uncomfortable with him, just uncomfortable with myself.  I did not want to “cuddle.”  There is something intense with cuddling.  It’s like I can have sex with anyone numerous times and not feel any connection.  However, when you cuddle with someone you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting that someone is not going to take advantage of it.  That feeling vulnerability develops into a sense of security and trust or as some may feel… a connection.  I did end up staying, but I didn’t sleep and by the time 7:30AM rolled around I rolled out of bed.  It was Thanksgiving and I had pies to bake.  We walked down to the casino together, which classified my walk into shame when a family of five and some grandparents joined up in the elevator.  Awesome.  When I got home I got a lot grief… with a house full of people and two moms… that was bound to happen.  He joined on the festivities later, which wasn’t awkward because I was way too tired to feel anything.  LBC and I went out later that night to visit Boston at work and I was suppose to meet up with him again, but I was too tired and way too sore to involve myself into any activity. 

After a full night’s rest I woke up to celebrate LBC’s birthday.   I have spent the last two years with her on her special day and you better believe the third time is a charm.  The family all got together and headed down to Café Ba Ba Reba for some tapas and drinks.  Starting off the night with two martinis set both LBC and I in feisty mode.  After dinner we headed to Caramel for shots and to meet up with some more peeps including the boy.  We stayed for quite a bit and slammed shot after shot.  Caramel was packed and we were dancing up a storm.  Our party had to continue on so we headed on to Prive where Golfer had set up a comp bottle from one of his friends that worked there.  We got to the front and we were denied!  I guess showing up at 1:30AM was a bit too late.  Can’t keep a good group down so we walked down to HTZ where we were giving a bottle for the bday girl.  We went through it in less than 30 minutes.  We tried going back to Prive where we were allowed in but Bellins had realized he had lost his I.D. somewhere along the way.  I went up with Max for a bit so he could say hi to one of friends.  The group got separated which led LBC and the boys to head back to Caramel, Golfer was with the moms playing slots, and Bellins and Katy were wondering the casino.  When Max and I got back downstairs we ran into them and decided to walk back to Caramel.  Before we reached the Bellagio doors, Max and I had lost Bellins and Katy.  That’s what happens when a big group of people get too drunk.  Everyone gets A.D.D. and disappears. 

We walked into a drunken mess as LBC and the boys were being tackled by a very drunk Boston. After a drink was spilt and Caramel was getting ready to close, it was time to go.  Max and LBC went one way and I went back the boy.  We hooked up again... naturally… but this time I stayed and slept just fine.  Not a good thing for me.  Wait…  I mean it’s not bad, but it crossed a line.  I realized enjoyed his company, but didn’t really know anything about him.  I wanted to know more.  I wanted to have more time, but alas he was leaving.  I realized at that moment my car was still at the Bellagio and we were at Paris.  It was 11:30AM.  The sun was shining and the strip was packed.  I was going to have to face the walk of shame in short strapless red satin dress and black suede high heel shoes.  It was mortifying to walk that far.  I could have just held up a sign stating “yes I hooked up with the person walking next to me.”  Awesome.  Hands down my most embarrassing walk of shame and yet so classy as we walked passed Chanel, Armani, and Prada. 

I brought him and his friend to the airport and he left with a kiss goodbye.  I was feeling very strange about it all.  I don’t know why really.  I suppose I was just overwhelmed with facing the reality I was back in Vegas.  My emotions were quickly distracted though when I checked my phone to realize I wasn’t the only one that didn’t make it home.  LBC had her own little fun with an ex… birthday sex she said.  It was fine with her until her ex made into a bigger deal than what it had to be.  I never understood how a guy freaks out after sex especially when the girl is expecting nothing out of it.  Can’t two people hook up that know they are sexually connected without all the drama? 

I’ve been back in Vegas for almost three weeks now and every night has been a trip.  I am very happy with my decision.  It is nice spending time with my Vegas family especially coming back at a time not only when I needed to but when others needed me to as well.  It is important to spend the holidays with people that care, to have them remind you of who you are, and are happy to have you back to normal.  It fees good to be happy and actually feel like I’m back to normal… about 95% there.  I just have a couple of loose ends to clear up.  I have been on the hunt for a job every day while trying to reconnect with friends and helping those who need it as well.  Times are transitioning as some are dealing with breakups, some are dealing with new loves, and some are dealing with consequences of their drunken actions.   I can guarantee if my next chapter in Vegas is anything like it has been these last three weeks, waking up in Vegas is going to be the best decision I have ever made.