ANNA PARKS
"The Socializer"

Taking the Good with the Bad
February 12, 2010

Sometimes in life you have to walk away to realize a good thing.  What is the saying? “You never know of a good thing until it’s gone?”  I realized that these pass three weeks as I came face to face with fear, dealing with the fact of getting older and reuniting with old friends.  I swore I would never move back to Vegas; I was so over it when I left.  The shady people, the scandalous jobs, the empty hearts, and bitter souls wear at person and turn them into something they are not.  I came back, and I do believe it was the best decision for me even though every day I am struggling at making myself a little better and trying to finally cast out my demons in the City of Sin.

I had to travel back to Fresno a couple a few weeks ago due to some mandatory appearances.  After I cleaned up my past legal dues, I headed out to meet with the California peeps.  Natasha was kind enough let me stay with her so we got ready and headed out to happy hour at my old working spot.  Starting off the night with a glass of wine and some homemade apps by Papa T set the night off right especially after Mitch and Max met up with us.  The new Wassabi open up in Fig Garden so I wanted to check it out.  The décor and set up was beautiful.  Like true Wassabi style we were still greeted when we walked in the door.  Natasha and I were pretty full from our apps so while everyone else ordered sushi rolls and sashimi, we were ordering bottles of Sake and Soju.  About seven large bottles later between eight people every one of us was over the edge.  By the time we got to Twist we were beyond drunk.  I must have been sending out some kind of energy because my phone starting blowing from guys from the past.  It was booty call overload, which not one I was interested in dealing with any one of them.

However, I did have an option that wouldn’t take no for answer.  He was quite persistent trying to convince me to sneak away with him, but honestly been there done that! Ha!  Not everything that night was fun and games as I came face to face with my biggest fear yet.  Being “outta sight, outta mind” with someone you care about or cared about, allows time to heal where feelings fade and emotions stabilize.  Those feelings and emotions can come back full force when you are forced to reunite with the person after so many months or even years.  I came face to face with Cali and for the first time after 2 and half years of on and off, tears and joy, love and hate, I finally felt… nothing!  No bitterness, no anger, no love, and not even like for someone that literally consumed my emotional state for the past year straight.  I can’t even tell what a relief it was.  I never thought that was actually going to happen because there is a difference between being over someone and finally moving on.  Not to mention I know myself well enough that if I was even questioning myself I would have snuck away with my proposition just to cover the fear, but I didn’t.  You truly never know how strong you are until strength is your only option. 

Since returning from Fresno and a bit before Golfer and I have taken over Sunday Fundays making our weekly appearances at Caramel, Bank, and Vanity.  Each Sunday we have managed to get more effed up and stayed out way too late. The first Sunday we didn't make it to after hours, the next Sunday we attempted after hours by going to Spearmint Rhino.  After one drink, I could hardly keep Golfer awake and we headed out within twenty minutes of being there.  The Sunday later we broke a record by getting home at 730AM! We went to our usual spots, hanging out in the Bellagio until 5AM, when one of our friends suggested Drais. I have lived in Vegas for three years and had not been to Drais except a quick walk through. Well, honestly, it was cool and all but I don't know how people do it! I was exhausted by the time we left not to mention people were so drunk it was hard to talk to anyone. Golfer fell asleep on the way home, which lately has been his signature move. 

I woke up the next day feeling like ass as I went to go meet a friend out for lunch.  One of my old friends from Wisconsin was in town so after dining at Yard House, we did a bit of shopping. By the time I got home my hangover was setting in big time, and I told Golfer I was officially canceling Sunday Fundays. I got a little nap in only to start all over again at the Lodge down the street.  Caroline and Mark moved back to Vegas so Golfer, LBC, and I met up with them for a little reunion.  I don't how I managed to get drunk again after feeling so hungover but it could've the shots... all six of them.  I finally got to bed at 3AM swearing to never drink again.

My vow lasted about five days until the weekend and Natasha came to visit.  She and I hit the city Saturday night going to Caramel, Tao, and Haze. Before we drank, we ate, in Town Square at Cadillac Ranch.  Rarely do I write about bad experiences because I believe in second chances, but this is one place I will never eat at again! I ordered the mushroom and veggie burger without mayo.  The food took about 45 minutes to cook, which is way too long for a couple of sandwiches.  When my veggie burger was delivered, not only did it have mayo but it was oozing from the sides.  The server apologized and said he would have a new one made.  Well that new one only took five minutes, which raised my suspicions.  I opened it up to see the mayo had been wiped off!  There was a bit still remaining so I called the server over and amazingly kept my cool.  He said he would make sure a new one was made and tell a manager.  They took it off the bill, but the manager didn't even come and apologize.  If we weren't in a hurry I would have thrown a fuss… don't worry, the corporation will be getting a letter from me. 

I haven't been out on a Saturday in quite sometime and forgot how packed the bars and clubs get.  It reminded me of why I don't go out on busy nights... makes my claustrophobia kick in. We got to Haze at about 2ish and had just missed OneRepublic's performance.  I wanted to check them out but I guess after only two songs they bounced.  Haze is the new nightclub in Aria and on performance nights (maybe every night) they have been having themes.  Saturday night was Candyland where they had go-go dancers dressed in pink with "cotton candy" wigs and Cirque performers roaming around the bars. It was entertaining but a little bizarre so we decided to bounce.  I wanted to be home by 3AM so naturally we got home by 4AM.

After Superbowl Sunday, I finally took Jordan out for her birthday... two weeks late.  I made up for my belated-ness by taking her to Beso (meaning "I kiss"), Eva Longoria's new restaurant.  The decor and ambiance of the place is relaxing yet hard... straight edges, dark espresso wood soften with crystal chandeliers and delicate red flowers.  The Spanish inspired cuisine was phenomenal equipped with recipes by Eva herself.  We tried her guacamole, which was pretty good with a bit of a kick.  While we waited for our main course I tried the Cucumber Spa made with Patron, cucumber, agave nectar, and lime juice. It was really good but a little too sweet.  After some delicious seared ahi tuna, lump crab, mac and cheese, sautéed spinach, and white chocolate pumpkin bread, Jordan was given a little chocolate birthday cake sealed with a kiss.  I would certainly eat there again especially since the service exceeded the food... I swear we had fifteen different servers, and I think two managers came to our table to assist us. 

After dinner we headed down to the Tropicana to watch Sante Fe perform.  The theater packs up quickly whenever they play so since we arrived late, we were forced to sit in the way back.  When you sit in the way back you learned why some people actually want to sit in the back. On one side of us we had the "loud wild" table that sits in the back to draw attention to themselves with that one douchey guy that has to hit on the ladies sitting next to him.  Then there is the other table on the opposite side.  The quiet table that doesn't say much, well anything at all.  The only noise coming from their table was the beer bottle hitting the table... oh and the guy randomly clapping when he would wake up half way from being passed out the entire time!  Perhaps he needed another beer… I guess Jordan and I were mediators between the two crazy dynamics.

Speaking of crazy dynamics, as if this blog isn't long enough, my last little adventure was a great night with a very dramatic ending.  On Wednesday the usual gang all headed out to Caramel and Blush.  We started off with a bottle and a few round of shots and then headed off to another bottle an hour later.  It probably wasn’t needed as we all scattered at the end of the night.  I took Golfer, Boston went off to gamble, LBC went with her latest boy, and Katy was simply M.I.A.  I told LBC we would meet up with them at the Fort Apache Lodge for a late breakfast.  Surprise, surprise… by the time we arrived at the Lodge Golfer was passed out and LBC and her boy had yet to show.  I woke up Golfer to announce our arrival and he started freaking out demanding for me to bring him home.  We drove out of the parking lot where he announced he was about to puke.  I pulled up to Rambo’s Kitchen where Golfer literally fell out of my car and started pucking… hard core.  I called LBC to tell her that we weren’t going to make it when she told me she was on the 215 because they ran out of gas!  I immediately started freaking out yelling at her to get out of the car in case a cop came by.  I dropped off Golfer to run and get her boyfriend that had ran a mile to get gas and bring him back to LBC.  I got back home only to get a message that Katy still wasn’t home and in a panic I thought something had happen to her.  I finally got ahold of her at 4AM where she told me she was heading home in taxi.  The next day we made another vow to never drink again… we will see how long this one last because like I said, you never know of good thing until its gone and I think we all know how much I love a good time!!

 

**Wanna read more about Anna's life in Vegas? Get her book of her first three years in Las Vegas now on Amazon.com**



Do You Ever Question Your Life?
March 17, 2009


I do… probably every day.  I can’t think of time when I didn’t.  I use to have this reoccurring dream of how my life was going to turn out.  I am always dressed in this gown walking down a red carpet as if I am going to receive an award.  Not that I’m famous, it is an accomplishment that I made and being respected for.  I have someone by my side but I can never see his face, but I feel the love we have for each other. I can feel the power we have in other people’s presence much like the power my ex and I had, but I knew deep down that he was not the one in my dreams.  As much as he loved me, he never wanted me to be successful.  He never supported my dreams because it intimidated him.  He didn’t have the strength to stand by my side.   I struggled with who I was then as I do now.  My ex and I were a “power couple.”  We moved into a city where it wasn’t just Anna, it was Anna and her fiancé.  People knew us for seven years.  We were strong on own with lots of friends and connections, but we were stronger as a team.  However, I never felt complete and still don’t.  I don’t regret decision by leaving because I knew I could be just as strong on my own.


I am not perfect.  As you can tell as you read my blogs, I am a roller coaster of emotions.  One day I have an affirmation of strength and how I am going to change because things are going my way.  The next week I can write how sad and upset I am and everything is wrong.  I don’t feel I am a dramatic person, it is how my life works, a circle of good and bad.  The twenties, sometimes early thirties are the toughest time because we are trying to figure out what we want, where we should be, and where we are at.  It is even harder for women because we conform to society about relationships, marriage, and motherhood.  We have a short time limit of when we can have children and if you decide to have children, you want to have them with someone you love or can depend on, which takes time to find.  Children are not a priority for me so one thing I don’t have to worry about.  What I do worry about is where I am going.  Every time something happens good or bad, I think what if?  What if I would have gone to NYC instead of staying in Wisconsin for college?  What if I would have moved to LA instead of Las Vegas?  What if I would have gotten married?  What if I never got involved with Berger?  What if I would have never slept with Cali?  These are the questions that constantly go through my head.  I try to remember that things happen for a reason, some bigger purpose that I am I yet to see.  But I want to see it.  I want to see my future so I don’t get sad, angry, or anxious because I believe in the end things have to eventually work out. 

But I still question my life.  I still think what the hell I am doing?  So I go seek a higher power.  I will admit it, I am a psychic connoisseur.  My mother use to take me to them when I was younger and I became addicted as things were becoming true.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s a not general reading when I go.  I get dates, names, places, etc.  In the past year and half I have seen more than I am willing to admit.  I feel so uneasy all the time so when I go to see them, I get strength and feel better for the moment.  Out all the ones I have seen they have all told me the exact same thing in love, life, and career and as things start to come true it becomes scary.  It’s scary because the outcome is unbelievable to me.  It’s good, it just seems as if I don’t deserve it.  It is always similar to the dream I use to have… and no, I do not told them about the dream.  I’m always told to have patience as it will unfold before me. 

So what’s come true? Well, I was told I was going to get a new job that would help my financial situation so I wouldn’t have to worry about losing my stuff and it would be bartending, which I got and I like. An event I was planning came about, with the exact dates and benefit, hard to explain, but trust me… it’s wicked creepy how accurate.  As for love, that is for me to know only.  I have been told everything when it comes to it.  I have been through a few trials, made a few mistakes, or a lot, learn my lesson (big time), and am starting to feel comfortable with who I am.  Not to mention, with a new job brings exposure and new people, which a few I have met so far have great potential.  I just have to remember to keep my head on straight and not lose track or forget who I am.  I certainly need to cut back on the drinking, well getting drunk, and I should be pretty set.  I’ll keep you updated on the predictions.

As for the moral of this blog?  Not to go see psychic… ha ha.   It is okay to get sad, depressed, angry, or any other emotions when it comes to dealing with your life.  It is okay to question the decisions you have made, and even though, you may think life could be better or worse if a different choice was made, they were made for a reason.  You don’t have to believe in fate or destiny; you just have to believe in yourself that you made the right decision.  Whatever it takes for you to get through it to reach the next step is okay.  Perhaps you make a mistake, hurt people, and say things you didn’t mean, but you can’t take it back.  You can only learn and move forward.  Question life all you want, just don’t expect an answer right away, you have to study for a bit until your ready to face it. 

O... MG
March 9, 2008

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

 

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

 

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

 

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

I’m not your average woman when it comes to sex.  I suppose sex is suppose be an intimate exchange between two people that love each other, but the “Age of Innocence” ended about fifty years ago. I don’t feel that sex can make you fall in love, but it can break your heart if you decide to “commit” to having sex with one person because you have put your trust and faith that they are doing the same.  I’ve been exposed to some really ugly sides of sex so it doesn’t bring me closer. I enjoy it, but I have never been able to experience an orgasm during sex because I can’t bring myself to mentally let go. If I let go I fear what the repercussions of suppressed memories and emotions will come about.  Also I’m always focusing on the guy; wondering if I’m doing a good enough job to satisfy him… taking care of him first.  Most of you women reading this are probably like “wtf? Is she crazy?”  Trust, my girls don’t get it either.  I don’t know.  Every time I have to fake to avoid hurting a guy’s ego.  If I don’t and I’ve slept with a guy more than once, it is always brought up.  I can’t blame them though.  It hurts my pride if a guy can’t finish either even if they have had a lot to drink.  It makes me think, “Am I doing something wrong?”

Wow, I’m making myself sound like sex hater.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having sex but because of my issues, I’m one picky bitch when it comes to it.  I will admit, many times in my drunken state my level ratings have gone down, but then I’m too just drunk to care.  I’m even worse when it comes to kissing.  I can have sex without making out or leading into it... think “Pretty Woman.”  I think kissing is more intimate than sex.  If a guy can grab a girl, take control, and kiss her so she feels it from head to toe is a very rare thing to come by, but amazing when found.  Kissing is an expression.  I have worked in a bar for nine years, you can tell when two people kissing have just met that night, are in love, or one is not that into it as the is.

Perhaps that is the reason it hurt so much to see Cali kiss someone else.  I was really upset, which was obvious per last blog.  The next day I really didn’t do anything even though he called to apologize.  No matter what, “I’m sorry” doesn’t fix it.  That night I went out with a friend.  We discussed how when a lot of women get upset because women think, “What did I do to deserve it?”  We get so wrapped up because we always want to make excuses for the one we love, but we forget to love ourselves.  I went to bed that night and woke up with a new attitude.  I don’t deserve to be mistreated, not by just Cali, but anyone.  No one deserves to be disrespected.  I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster with myself since I have been here that I forgot my purpose.  By the end of the day, I was reminded.  I got awesome news, which of course led me to freak out as well.  It’s a big project that I’m doing in Fresno and on top of that I finally finished my book.  That is two accomplishments I’ve achieved in four months.  It made me feel confident and powerful.  I went out to celebrate.  I did go to Cali’s work for a bday party and ending up celebrating a lot.  Of course in my drunken state I kept telling Cali how upset I was, but somehow still ended up passing out next to him.  I woke up freezing, which woke him up, which led us to having sex and my first time experiencing the big ‘o’ during sex… three times at that! It had nothing to do with him.  It wasn’t like it was the first time we had sex, but it was the first time I didn’t care about him or anything except for myself.  All the pent up anger, anxiety, and every other emotions I was experiencing I wrapped up in a ball and threw it out.  I guess I’ve never had angry sex… amazing.

 I went home, slept for a few hours, and woke up pissed.  I was mad as I was having flashbacks of the night.  I remembered he had taken back his apology at the end of the night.  I was mad that he took it back, but I had still managed to somehow pass out next to him.  I was mad at myself.   I was also upset for experiencing what I did with someone that doesn’t have my full trust.  I may not care about sex, but I just thought the first time that would happen to me it would be under different circumstances.  It ended in such abruptness that I didn’t to even comprehend what happened.  Eventually I calmed down after I accepted it.  Of course, the $64,000 question from my bffs, “what now?”

Now… nothing.  Nothing has changed.  I don’t feel any different towards him, just towards myself.  I know I’ve been trying to change, but I guess things really are.  No matter what, I finally believe in myself.  This is the first time in four years where I called my mother to give her the news she has been waiting to hear.  Wait… not about the sex thing, ha, the career thing.  But as for sex… I still the feel same about it, but hope I feel the same thing as well next time… whoever it may be with.    Maybe since I somehow learned how not to care, maybe I will learn not to be so picky (but still safe) because it’s like Izzy Stevens said, “women are good when they don’t have it for a while, but once you get it, it’s like a beast is released and savages for more.”

I'm a Super Freak
February 17, 2009

I don’t usually go back and read my blogs, I write them, close my eyes and click “publish.”  However, after yesterday, I went back for my first time.  I was experiencing a psychotic episode yesterday to say the least.  It has been going on for five days now, my fast beating heart, the skin crawling creeps, and the confusion state of mind of why it is happening.  Yesterday reached a peaking moment.  I was literally going to jump out of my skin.  I felt like I was on crack, not that I would know what the feels like because I don’t do it, but I can only assume.  These episodes haven’t happened in a really long time.  In fact I haven’t had one since before I went home for Christmas.  Yesterday I was thinking, well, if this is considered mental then I need to pinpoint what is going on inside my brain.  Not a good idea when I’m hungover, haven’t sleep, and can hardly breath due to this effin’ cold.  So trying to figure it out and trying to calm myself down, left me pacing my apartment floor, calling everyone in my phone book hoping someone would say something that would trigger why I was freaking out.  It didn’t work.  After reading my blog, I think I am starting to understand.


I’m optimistic person.  I believe good thing are to come and want to believe the good everything.  However, I am also pessimistic person.  When thing are going well in my life, I usually wait for the ball to drop.  No matter what is going in, something good is usually happening, but balances it out by having something else grow wrong.  That’s how it been my entire life.  As I am still trying to change and become a different person to what I want and think I need, it is messing up my equilibrium as well. Let me break it down so you as my readers can relate.  (On a sidenote: thank you LBC, BD, and My Bean for putting things in perspective in your life so I can understand mine.)  There are four basic principles that stress people out. The number one factor is job.  Those who don’t have a job, which in turn have no financial security; those who have a job, but maybe not getting paid enough; then those who have a job, get paid, but are unhappy.  I’m not really any of those.  I have job, numerous jobs, and even though I am not making a lot to get by, I am content because in the bigger picture it has to work out in the end.  With that said, the book writing is coming along.  I’m proud of how far I have gotten and feel the success behind it is right around the corner.  I have taken the next step in making it happen.  However, writing the book is emotionally wearing.  It is bringing back moments that have made me angry and sad leaving me the realization that closure was never achieved.  It is pouring salt on the wound.  It’s too late for apologizes or change when it comes to those moments, it was what it was.  I have to separate the past from the present, but it is hard if you fear your present from the past.

Second, is family.  They are the people you turn, go and see when lost, and support you in everything you do.  I love my family, but it is not easy when my family wants to hear the big news if I found that great job. 

Third is friendship.  I suppose in my case that could be second.  I love my friends.  I love each and every one of them in some way.  I always say everyone is my best friend because in my eyes they are simply the best people.  They have my trust, concern, and love.  I know that I can be hard to deal with at times especially through my little espisodes, but the fact of the matter is they will pick up the phone when needed.  They will meet out or come over to my place to help me through it.  It is something that is embarrassing for me because it shows vulnerability, and I pride myself on being strong.  They know it is not easy for me, and they don’t ever bring it up again.  They give me advice and tell me what to do, but they also know I am my own person, I do what I want.  It stresses me out when I can’t tell who my friends truly are.  Most people would say, if you have to question it, why have them as a friend at all?”  True, but when someone cries to me or is hurt, I can’t help it.  I want to help.  I take on other people problems so if they aren’t my friend and betray me somehow; I am simply left with the problem.  I have been that way with a couple of girls, but I think to eliminate that part of my anxiety, I need to either cut my losses or confront the situation.  I haven’t decided what is worth to me more.

Lastly, is love.  LBC says to me yesterday that out of all the situations I am going through she feels me.  However, she is fortunate to have that special someone in her life that when needed she call to hold her without judgment.  She is right.  You can have everything above, 1, 2, and 3, but at times of darkness to not have that one special person that you can trust to be by your side is very, very hard.  I have said I am ready for it and  I am ready, but I think also I’m pushing it too fast, which is causing anxiety.  Yes, I have options, if I wanted to I could go on three different dates this week, but what would that do?  I believe when the person I should give my time and energy to will just present themselves.  I will just know.  I’ve always known.   As of now, I know that have to eventually let go of Cali so I’m forcing it.  I am forcing myself to find someone good enough to replace him, which is leaving me frustrated because they are just disappointments. I know if I want to push him away I just have push harder then I can get mad and hopefully each time a little piece will go away.  Things have been just too much fun and even though he knows I care, he actually hasn’t been that douche that I’m use to. I could have freaked him out last night… I mean I think I freaked everyone out last night, who knows?  Should it even matter anymore?  I wish there was a memory machine like in the movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”  It allows you to erase memories in your brain so you can go about your day and never know that someone existed.  How wonderful would that be?  Then there would be no pain, no hurt, and no fear, just good memories of love.

I’m not sorry for my actions that I do when I freak out.  I do freak out.  I freak out when things go well and when things go bad.  That is who I am.  I have take baby steps to change that and accept good things can come to good people, but until then I will still freak out.  I am better today… sort of.  A little sleeping pill can go a long way, however when the sky turns dark… who knows?  You can’t be perfect because that would just make you boring. 

It's All Coming to an End
December 26, 2008

The holidays mark the ending of the year.  It is the time to reflect on the past year, remember the good times, try to the forget the past, and create new resolutions to make the next year the best one yet.  This past year has been one of my most challenging years in discovering who I am, what I stand for, and what I want out of my life.  Each change has been building, each challenge has been put on top, and this past month was by the far the hardest one of the year.  After moving, things have not gone as well as I planned and on top of that I have had to deal with hurt feelings, shady people, and not being happy with myself.  I know everyone is having a rough time right now as the country is in recession and the holidays can be depressing for a lot of people, but it seems to be affecting me more than I can handle.

Christmas was interesting for me as it was a roller coaster of emotions.  I spent Christmas Eve day with a fantastic family and was really touched by their kindness and warmth.  It was a moment where I felt really good about my surroundings.  Christmas Eve night... everything was turned around and I was slapped with an unforgivable blow.   I should say it wasn't a surprise and to be expected, but the night previous gave me a reason to think for, just a moment, things were going to different.  The difference is I can be hurt and forgive someone for who they are, but to open myself up and trust someone and believe what they say only to be taken back less than 24 hours later is not hurt, but simply a betrayal.  I was extremely angry when I boarded the plane to fly home a few hours later.  I was not in mood to be around anyone. 

My mom came and picked me up at the airport and surprised me that we were on our way to a family Christmas.  A family I haven't even met.  I was not in the best condition to meet people as I was still my pjs and I looked like shit.  However, I must say it ended up being one of the best things that could have ever happened.  I can't say I felt the most comfortable in a room full of strangers so I secluded myself to some reading.  I ended up reading this article about this woman who was driven to be successful.  She risked a lot and made it big only to lose everything a short time later.  Not only did she go from millions to literally $0, but she lost the love of her life when he walked away from her, and found out she was diagnosed with cancer.  A psychologist analyzed the situation and explained why it was so hard for her to handle the financial loss and the love loss.  She simply stated that a highly driven and determine person "often come from the worldwide view that if you work hard and are a good, fair person, you can solve anything.  When that fails, may blame themselves, which makes things worse."  I totally agree because that is how I feel about things when it comes to my own success.  She stated to make things easier to understand is to remember past accomplishments and find new inspiring things.  It seems so simple, maybe too simple, but I guess having a professional understand how you view things exactly... why not try it out?  She also stated that this woman's difficulties in dealing with her love loss is due the fact is a person with a logical track mind can't make sense when the betrayal from someone extremely close to you doesn't have a specific reason or meaning.  There is never any emotional closure... interesting. 

After that article I was feeling a bit better.  I don't really know why, I guess because it just made sense.  The family and I gathered around the living room for gift exchange and all of sudden this 18 year old girl gets up and states she has a letter to read from her father.  Her father and mother couldn't be there because her mother is dying of MS and her father had to be by her mother's side to take care of her.  It has been an intense struggle for their family financially and emotionally so her father wrote a letter to the family as a thank you.   I can't even put into words what an impact it made on every person in that room.  To see a daughter reading her father's words, crying, is enough to make the devil cry.  It was more or so the words for me as well.  Her father stated, "it is truly a gift to have good people in your life.  To have someone love you and care about you is a reward out of life.  It should never be taken for granted as one day it could all be gone." 

I also went with my brother to see a side of my family that I have not seen in 20 years.  It was so random seeing my aunt (my mother's sister) and watch how similar they are.  It was actually kind of creepy, but it was good to see how people change and better themselves.  Later on that evening, I saw one of my best friends I have not spoken to in 2 years.  She was going through a very difficult time in her life, which in turn infected our friendship.  We had been friends for 15 years when I had to let her go to figure things out for herself.  Sometimes no matter how hard it is, you can't help everyone, and you have take some distance for them to figure it out.  Well, she did, and she is doing very well.  I am proud of the turn around and happy to spend time with someone that has been apart of my life growing up and now.  What's funny though is you can tell when someone is truly best friends because even after two years we can pick up can be exactly the same without skipping a beat. 

That night I made some decisions... my family goes to be bed wicked early so as I am lying there with the snow falling I made my resolutions for 2009:

1.  To make my blessing that can be a curse only a blessing.  I am selfless, caring, and would probably do anything to help someone in need whether they be someone I’m in love with, best friend, friend, acquaintance, stranger, enemy.  I will trust a person with a guard until that trust is violated.  I have decided no more.  Ha! Wait... I am not going to become the opposite, but I am going to start only doing things for people that actually deserve it.  The problem is that no matter what someone's intentions are, I will be nice and respectful and listen to what they want to say.  It opens me up to shady situations and even those who may not have hidden intentions are selfish enough take advantage of me.  It is my own fault because I allow it.  I am going to try hard in 2009 to stick up for myself and give myself to those who I feel truly deserve... well... me.  

2. Not to hold grudges.  When I feel betrayed, I take all my anger and direct against that person so I can remove them from my life.  Trust me... I have enough anger to make a bomb explode.  I am not saying that I am going to allow people to come back into life or keep negative people in it (that would violate rule 1); I am simply going to try to forgive and leave it be.  I will be civil and respectful, but still keep them at a distant.  Instead of being angry, I will simply just not care.  (I know it's a tough one, but I have all of 2009 to achieve it).

3. No more pity parties.  I have been wicked depressed about my job and moving situation.  The bottom line is that I have my health, I have good people a part of my life, and I have a great home.  I am a lot better off than over half of the people in this world.  Instead of looking at why is this not working out, it is time to remember what I have accomplished.  If something fails, it fails.  It is not my fault because I tried and sometimes things don't work out.  If one door closes, I will break down a wall to make a new one. 

4.  To remember what I'm worth.  I owe this one to Bunny.  She told me a while ago to look at my life and the pattern that I have done when it comes to men.  How ever since my ex, each of those who have came into my life have somehow treated me disrespectfully.  I have a hard time excepting anyone good and push them away because for some disillusion reason I don't think I deserve that.  I need to learn to separate myself for what I think I want and what I actually deserve. 

5. To live everyday like there is no tomorrow.   Not everyday is guaranteed.  Hell, we might only have three years left on this planet... (Mayan calendar).  Anyways, if I feel like hopping my car and driving to Las Vegas or Los Angeles, or booking a trip to NYC, I am going to do it.  If I want to know something I am going to ask.   If I feel uncomfortable or awkward in any situation, I am going to leave and a find a better one.  If I am sad, I am going to find a way to make myself happy.

So those are my resolutions for this next year... other than of course work out more, drink less, and eat healthier.  Not every resolution is going to work out so I had to give myself a few that I allowed myself to break.  Happy Holidays everyone, but especially Happy New Year!

First Comes Sex
December 11, 2008

There is a show.  It's called Private Practice.  It is a spin off of Grey's Anatomy.   I can't say which I like better, but Private Practice is placed in Los Angeles (where my bff lives so it gets bonus points) and the personal ordeals they go through are a bit more realistic.  Last week, the women talked about sex.  They discussed how and when they got it and what happens when a line is crossed.  This week they focused more on relationships.  How sometimes even though it may seem like the right thing, not everyone is at the same level in their lives, which show sometimes love just is not enough.  I find it interesting that the plots seems to relate both weeks to what has been going on around me and my friends. 

Let's talk about sex.  A guy friend once told me women are lucky.  Any woman could walk up to a man and simply ask him to take her home and he would concur.  If a man walked up to a woman and did the same thing... most likely he will be slapped in the face.  We can basically have sex whenever we want and with whoever.  If it was that easy, I would be having sex with Jake Gyllenhaal.  In most cases, we may get who we choose, but the point is to choose the right candidate.  Sometimes we make decisions based off the timing.  Women have just as strong as a sex drive as men, but we are lot harder to please.  We may be able to go a few months without sex when you have a trusty sidekick, but as Izzy Stevens (Grey's Anatomy) once said, "Once we get it, a beast is released, we have to have it all the time."  The beast needs to be satisfied and the meal isn't good, we seek until we find or just simply give up and hibernate.  If it happens to be good, we raise our expectations for the next prey.

I have two friends on the opposite end of the spectrum.  First there's Lilly.  Lilly has the best of luck when it comes to sex.  May she be in a relationship or dating, but whatever the situation is she finds amazing lovers.  Not to say she has a lot of partners, it's just the ones she has gotten have been more than satisfying.  Her stories alone will raise your expectations.  On top of that, these gusy are good guys.  They are nice and exciting.  Now granted, she has gotten her fair share of douchebags, but I guess she was due for a change.  I tell this because I am giving hope to those who may think, have men forgotten to have sex?

Take Boleyn for example.  She was out on a mission to become a wo"man" whore.  She wanted to have some fun one night stands without the attachment of a relationship.  She would go out, find the prey, but never left full.  The first guy... "don't want no one minute man."  The second guy... I tried telling her perhaps, it was a term called "whiskey dick" but she couldn't even give him that much credit.  The third guy... such a bad kisser she wasn't going to risk a number.  Three strikes usually means hibernation, but I have to believe she will find one to ravish just yet.  As for me, well... I am in a whole new world.  In Vegas, it was a meat market.  If I wanted it, it simply took a strong will and strong cocktail.  I could on with my life and no one would even know, except for my girls of course.  Privacy of who and when I chose was never issue because you never have to see them again.  Here... I don't think I can kiss and tell.  I think I will just explain it like this.  I can't find a middle ground.  Sex itself? Mostly pretty good, I am very picky on what I like and don't like.  It is more of the after effects that I have to deal with.  I have had to deal with getting what I want, but getting repercussions not being able to handle me after and freaking out for no reason.  Then to with strong potential and a really great kisses, but not knowing me enough to deal with me as a person after.  Once my privacy is violated to a point of making me and others questions who I am... the wall is back up.

Which in turns brings me to my second topic... relationships.  My mother once told me when I was child, " I see you as a career woman.  I don't think you will ever get married because you will never let a man get in the way of your success."  She didn't say it to be rude or not to think I don't deserve that, but because she knew me a such a young age that I would be that woman growing up.  I did once came close to marriage, but because where I was from that is what you did.  I realized before taking that leap that I may be live in philosophy, but that is not who I was.  I moved to Vegas to find a place where it was excepting to bepassionate and driven without being judge for not having a serious second half.  Now I have found that around my new surroundings everyone seems to be in a relationship, looking for a relationship, married or divorced, and even some with kids at a pretty young age.  I am not judging them by any means, and I think it is great to experience life whatever way you choose.  It is just different for me because it feels like I have moved back home. I don't believe you have to get married unless it is something both parties truly want.  But to get married or even be in a committed relationships means to be truly in love and that is something that takes a long time for me to do.  I am one that believes that are certain levels to past.  First there is passion, then respect, then trust, then love.  If a guy moves too fast or violates one of those levels, it's simply, as Boleyn puts it, "kick rocks!" However, if a guy manages to get past them all and I fall in love, those levels are regressed and if violated I pray to have the strength to let it go.  I say that because I have fallen in love.  I have said "I love you," to one man in my life, and came at a point where love wasn't enough.  He violated trust and respect.  After spending a fourth of my life with him, I let go and never looked back.  The second time was not so easy.  I have never said "I love you" because when I was ready to, the trust was violated.   I should've let it go a long time, but my head and my heart are two different things.  I tried to believe in love and with that I continued to get hurt.  The pain became bigger then the love.  So when I finally decide it is time to let it go and I open up to other possibilities, I can't seem to have a balance... too much, too little, too overwhelming on different levels. 

In an ideal world, I would have a guy that would understand me, respect me, and let me be me.  We could have awesome sex whenever wanted so I don't have to raise my number, give me space when needed because I am fiercely independent, and simply appreciate me because I am worth it.  But this world isn't perfect so I will just focus and actually get something I know I can have, my future in my success. Even the cast on Private Practice can't seem to get it right and they are not even real, but in the end they still have the Practice.

What I'm Thankful For
November 28, 2008

Every now and then, I love to thank those who are a part of my life.  I live my life for myself, but I would not be the person I am without the people in it.  They help me gain my strength, face my weaknesses, and give me memories that I can look back on to laugh when I'm sad, calm me when I'm mad, and make me love when I feel hate.  Some people make fun of how I consider so many people my good or best friends, but it is not about what level or how long I have I know a person to know what they mean to me.  I appreciate the little things people do that in the end makes them big to me.  Sometimes I can trust too easily or be naive, but even those who have betrayed me or lost my friendship and those who may feel that way towards me, were once a part of my life and in turn affected it.   

Thanksgiving is time to reflect on what we are thankful for.  The holidays are weird for me because there was a time I found a reason to celebrate them and then that was lost.  In the last couple of years I have been shown that just because something was a certain way at one time, things change, people change, and sometimes for the better.  I have my family, and I have the family I choose for myself and without them I would be lost.  This past Thanksgiving was a fantastic one as I spent with friends and got to witness a spectacular family within themselves.  After dinner I went to work where it ended up being more play, and after hung out with old peeps and few new ones I met.  We went to after party where I got bring out my inner child and to end the night, Boleyn and I ran around parking lots handing our fliers and faced the vultures in the shopping stores.  I am thankful for the fact that even though I have been here for a month now, I've already made memories that will last forever.

Where would I be without my girls?
It baffles me when I hear girls say they hate girls.  I love my girls.  They listen to everything, can relate to anything, and will always hate the boys that hurt you just because you do.  I'm sorry, but every girl needs girlfriends, I have just manage to snatch all the good ones.

My bestest best friend.  We talk mostly every day, sometimes up to three times a day.  We believe in each other's dreams and laugh at those who try to sway us to reality.  Almost eight years we have been able to watch each other grow, learn about life and love, pack up our shit and move across country, and never once losing touch. You have a magical ability to make me laugh when I'm sad and will listen to me even if I'm sober or drunk.  I truly love you and appreciate you, please don't ever forget that. 

My longest best friend.  From blue days to sunny days, we have faced our biggest challenges together.  We have managed to drive over 24 hours in a car together (twice) and laugh at the past, present, and our future.  You are an inspiration to overcome fear for you have accomplished journeys in your life that even Columbus would be jealous of.  Even though we are on the separate ends of the coasts, I know you are still so very close. 

My Hero.  You rescued me from my loneliness, there through crisis, and even though we are not living next together or seeing each other at work, those "keep in touch" calls still mean the world to me.  How you manage to be a full time mom with two beautiful children and still take the time to check in shows just what a fantastic person you truly are.  You, and your other half, are prime examples of what a friend, person, marriage, and a family should be. 

The very first person I met in Vegas.  We have shared ups and downs and watch each other grow in our lives personally and socially.  You are truly family to me, and I can't wait to see your own family grow up around you.  My sound of reason and knowing what is best as you deserve only the best in your life.  I wish that all your dreams and goals come your way as you are truly a special person that even a blog can't put into words.

The one I am joined with through our creative and caring souls.  We relate on a level like no other, including our pasts.  You have supported me during some of my hardest moments.  You have a such talent, and I am grateful that I get to see it.  I truly believe we were fated to be friends and as our journey continues in love and life, I will continue to be by your side as I know you will be next to mine.

The one young in age, but wise in our friendship.  I can talk to you about the same subject over and over and your patience is appreciated as you allow me to vent.  I love our walks, our long life talks, and fun memories we have created.  Our traditions in photos and moments always give me something to look forward to... cookie, muffin, cupcake, and hookerbutt. 

The one I hold to which I hold your torch.  Truly most of my wildest times have been with you as well the most relaxing times.  May we be hitting the clubs or cooking dinner, it is the simple talks and understanding we have with each other that makes you a magnificent person and friend. Even at my lowest points you have given me hope and that's why I heart you... slut. 

My little beautiful fellow brunette!  Even not seeing each other for years we still manage to check in with each other every now and then, even it is a simple comment.  Soon we will have to have reunion and especially a shot!

One of my first GoTo Girls.  Even though you have moved to back to where you came, I am glad we got to meet, be friends, create memories, and for a short time, roomies. 

To the intuitive soul.  You are fantastic.  I am glad that I found a friend that can relate with me on so many levels including the sixth.  Our adventures have only begun and I feel we are going to have many more to come.

My other half, I effin' miss you and wish nothing but the best. 

To every other girl in my saga.  To Nicole Preston, a fabulous writer and lunches that I appreciate so much; to the friend that showed me Vegas, fun and work, and shared an apartment with; to my little one that after one night of us promising to stay sober changed my life; my beautiful redhead that I worked with and have some great lunches with; to my fellow Pho friend that learned how to be happy on her own; to my wise old roomie that listen to all my woes over wine; to Kentucky that can party like a rock star and be one of the coolest chicks I know; to my fellow bartender that has finally gotten her happy ending; to my music lover and intuition mind; and to the one that help me create a dream and has manage to achieve her own... my life would not be the same without you apart of it.

Let's hear it for the boys!
Every girl needs her guy friends.  You keep me grounded, teach me to be strong, and allow to hang as one of the guys.  Even though this may be a bit sappy on a guy's perspective, I know each and every one of you have a soft side and know me well enough to be okay to accept my sentimental words.

"One of my best friends, my philosopher, and the only guy I talk to til 7am."  I said when I was hammered and I meant it, and yes, I'm sober.  You have managed to open my eyes in some of the most confusing situation and when all else fails... "what are you going to do?'

The old soul that understands my old soul.  You have listen to my woes and supported me in all my dreams no matter how big they are.  I love that we can party like rockstars may it be in Vegas or Fresno, but we still appreciate chill times as well.  You are a truly great friend and person that only deserves someone just as great. 

You are part of the family that I consider my family.  You keep in line and protect me from all the douchebags...well you try.  You are a great father to a beautiful boy, a great husband to a beautiful wife, and I can't tell you enough how glad I am to be part of it. 

The one that challenges my liver.  You have a huge heart and you have shown it through our friendship.  You are probably that only one that can get me to party like a rockstar for days at a time and always find the killer deals.  We have had some great adventures and I hope I survive the ones to come!

The one that doesn't care, but truly cares.  I will blog about you for life because I believe will always somehow be connected.  You are an intelligent soul and great friend.  You can have patron on ice or simply whatever you like!

My longest guy friend that is simply spectacular.  We may not get to spend as much time as we once have, but the times we can to meet up are always worth it.  You always dream a little dream for me and I hope all your dreams come true as well.

The one that allowed to me feel even if you didn't want me to.  You have shown me a thin line between love and hate, but hate is the one thing I will never do.  I wouldn't trade anything cause the memories and experiences we have shared have been worth it all.  You truly deserve things to go well and at least I can say I tried. 

To my family:
You have shaped me into the person I am today.  You have given me support and pushed me into my dreams.  We may be a very small family, but we all have really big hearts. 

To my readers:
The Go To Girls would not even be worth it if it wasn't for you.  I don't do this for work, I do it for you.  To be able to share my experiences, my emotions, my thoughts, and my life to anyone is not an easy task, but I do it so perhaps you be able to relate and know you are not alone.  Everyone has a fun side to life and has happiness, but sometimes there are bumps in the road and I am so happy to help.  Please do not forget, I am only an email or myspace message away. 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Something to Talk About
November 21, 2008

Communication is a gift.  We have tons of different ways to communicate:  speaking, texting, writing, signing, and even with the language of our body and eyes.  It should come naturally and some people have a god given talent that when their mouth opens, the world listen.  If only it was that easy for everyone because even though each person possess this gift, the one thing that always stops communication is fear. Communication is any relationship, may it be as a work, friend, or love relationship, is a necessity.  Without saying what needs to be said there leaves room for misunderstandings and assumptions.  There are even times when communication may be confusing because perhaps the actions are not relaying the proper message or the words are not followed up by the actions.  So why is it that something that should be so simple ends up being extremely difficult? 

The number one reason is the fear in the response of what might need to be said.  I have been getting phone calls all week from all my different girls about this subject.  Ninety percent of the situations goes like this: friend like guy, guy like friend, guy and girl decide to have sex after a bit of liquid courage, wake up next morning hungover and say nothing, see each other again (these are friends that work with guys they sleep with), nothing is said, and now freaking about what to do.  They like the guys and try to relay that message, but the lines of communication are weak in fear that the guys will not like them back.  My advice to them is to tell them you like them, and see what they say back.  If they don't like you, you get over it and move on.  Oh, how easy it sounds, but it never is.  The fear of rejection and possibility of never being able to hang with that person again is almost worse than confusion that comes with no communication.  It is also hard because of the work situation.   There is a saying "don't shit where you eat," but when you are constantly around that person it is hard not to like them.  Everyone has a work crush, okay maybe not everyone, but usually single people.  It motivates you, gives you a reason to want to go to work and enjoy your day.  Even I have a little work crush and I know it is reciprocated, but I have enough on my plate right now that I don't need to get over stuffed.  Besides I don't want to be in the situation either of my friends are in right now... ew.

Which in turn brings me to my next level of communication  when you're in a situation that you have so much to say but can't say anything at all because you are so scared of what the reaction may be that you don't want to risk it so you just keep your mouth shut and quietly go insane.  Hmmm, maybe the work situation isn't so bad.  l am a horrible communicator when it comes to my own feelings, but I can help anyone communicate theirs.  I think it is a curse because I can write for days, but when I speak it never comes out right.  Usually when I try to speak I am drunk, which always comes out wrong so the next morning I'm always freaking out with a big "Hi, I'm an asshole" written across my forehead texting my friends saying, "uh was that bad?"  I think that is why most relationships in general fail because no one really says what they really think so resentment builds up and frustration takes over.  I wonder if communication was easier relationships would last longer because there would be no reason to lie or cheat.  Lack of communication in relationships leads to misunderstandings and guilt.  However, in order to communicate I guess you really have to know what it is that you want because if you're confused, you're message will be too.  Wow... see what I mean?  I can't even blog about communication.  I could probably over analyze this subject for days, but I think John Mayer said it best:

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say"

Fair enough.

Cat and Mouse
November 2, 2008

Even though I may be six hours away, LBC and I can still manage to have some great contemplating talks.  The other night she was telling me about a guy... go figure... that she likes, and they have finally made out.  As exciting as it was, it was bad because the guy is emotionally unavailable, much like every guy in their thirties, hell even some in their late twenties.  His friend had a heart to heart with LBC and told her not to chase him because in the end she will just get hurt.  She was offended by him because in retrospect she hasn't "chased" at all, just simply responded.  He texts her on the regular, and he kissed her so she chose to kiss him back.  So this got me thinking... what is really chasing and why is okay for a guy to chase a girl, but a girl is crazy if she chases a guy?

The standard definition of "chase" is this: n. the act of pursuing in an effort to overtake or capture.  Majority of men love a chase.  It pumps of their ego, gives them entertainment, and usually in the end give them power to throw the fish back in the water once the bait has been taken.  The chase for woman is the same except woman have the tendency to want to keep the fish.  It is a horrible game of cat and mouse because if the chase goes on too long, eventually one dies out.  LBC is young.  She should chase except now she feels like a mouse running from the cat.  Even though she hasn't overstep any bounds, the guy's friend made her think that.  Now she is second guessing every move she makes in fear she is looking crazy.   Trust me, she has not done anything crazy except listening to that damn douchebag.  I, on the other hand, am older.  I hate the game.  I use to love it, almost obsessed with thought of having a challenge and winning in the end, but sometimes even coming out a winner, I still ended up losing.  I can't wait to find some guy that will be willing to step up to a challenge of just being real.  The chase should be the anticipation of hanging out next.  The chase should be the space apart and wanting to see when to hang out next.  I see a lot of couples that get together without a chase at all.  They hang out everyday, spend every night together, and even ditch their friends.  This baffles me as well because most of those relationships fizzle out real fast.  I think it is okay to shoot out a text, even once a day, but ten times a day, no.  What a chase should not be, is a conquest.  There should never be a deceit or lies to get what one what, hurt feelings are not needed, and if the fish is not wanted, don't throw out the bait. 

Dating needs to go back to simplicity.  Complication has gotten in the way of a very natural thing because of disillusions from past experiences and emotions being buried instead of surfaced.  I would be calling the kettle black to say I have learn this myself, but I am taking baby steps to achieve it.  The biggest thing for me is letting go of the past, getting over an old chase, and have someone that wants to run next to me instead of in front of me.

I Guess We Are All a Little Crazy Sometimes...
September 18, 2008

Crazy Situation:  I am crazy.  It is 4:30am and I am writing a blog? Yep... I am whinding down from my night.  Something about bartending always keeps me up an hour or two after I am done.  It was crazy tonight, much like the old days where going to work was fun.  I use to love it, we'd get drunk (okay not all the time for me, I prefer working sober), make money, dance, and flirt like no other.  It has been a long time since we had a night like that, which the weird thing is that MC (barback/friend) and me were just discussing before we started our shift in the edr (a.k.a. employee dining room).  My job has somehow consumed me with meetings, classes, threats, and bitter Betties.  I have grown dislike my job, which is crazy within itself because I am damn good at it.  I don't know if it was the discussion or something in the air, but tonight ended up being crazy fun.  
                So Here's A Crazy Thought:  I have been wanting to stop bartending for a while, but I have realized that I don't think I want to get out of bartending as much as I want to get out of Vegas bartending.  I want to go back to bartending when I poured drinks, had my regulars, mingled with new ones, and went home.  I am over text messages with mandatory meetings and threats of suspension if we don't go when we get the information 24 hours prior to actual meeting.  It is crazy for them to think I don't have a life.

                Crazy Situation:  It started when Golfer decided to stay after for a cocktail or two and this lady was sitting at the bar.  I guess the double Patrons were hitting her hard because she started talking to him about crazy things and told me he had major issues.  "Ha, welcome to the men that have worked at Mist.  Hell, basically any dude that has lived in Vegas," I responded back with.  She basically thought him and I were dating, and when I said "no," asked if I wanted to sex with him, and I said "no."  He tried showing her a picture of his girlfriend and she told him he was lying, and he got the pic off a porn site!  She did not look like a porn star!  It is Zoey.  Golfer just took like a sport and when she went to the bathroom, he bolted for a while.  
               So Here's A Crazy Thought:  "Honestly, who doesn't have issues?"  This is what LBC and I were discussing today when she came to hang before I had to go to work (see I have a life).  She has been driving herself crazy over weekend love affairs and the boys that keep her hanging on.  Hmmmm, who does that sound like?  Pretty much every friend I have and myself.  I am just more public it about than others, which left me thinking perhaps I shouldn't write about my life anymore.  Does it backfire on me?   I don't even know 95% of the people that read it, but I am always worried someone will take it the wrong way when I am "angry" or "hurt" writing.  LBC told me that I had permission to start writing about her life instead.  As she feels like a creep for liking a guy and then come to find out he has a girlfriend, but won't admit that he has a girlfriend.  So then she hangs with another guy for a night and even though they text back and forth, they don't meet up again.  She is upset because she said she tried to hard, but in retrospect, I don't think she tried hard enough.  Guys love the chase, but you got to throw something out there for them to run after.  Okay she says, "then what about the guy I don't text and then he texts me, so then I respond, and I don't hear anything back, so then I stop texting."  Whoa.  Okay, there come a point when even though they may be chasing eventually they have to go for the catch or run the away.  Games are fun when you're 12 or just dating, but honestly the game needs a winner and usually a relationship is top prize.  The problem  is that boys think we don't know what they are really doing, but usually we are two steps ahead so eventually when we don't get anything in return we throw back to the pound with the rest of the dogs.  

                Crazy Situation:  Speaking of guys, the bar started filling up with them and I mean a lot of guys.  Other than the cocktail server, I was the only chick in the bar.  I felt like a sheep amongst the wolves.  I can handle my own, but I swear I have stamp on my forehead that says, "if you're married or have a boyfriend, I will sleep with you." Every guy with a ring on his finger just sat there and stared.  I kept making MC pour drinks because there were a few that were really creeping' me out.  Not saying a word, just staring.  When I would ask if they needed anything they wouldn't say anything, just shake their head.  I mean I am not tooting my horn, but I am not exaggerating there were like five guys with no words.  Even my manager was wondering if there were any woman that were going to walk into the bar.  It was noticeably bad when a guy came up and asked me if it was a gay bar and I had to respond with, "nope, and it is even ladies' night."  
                   So Here's A Crazy Thought:  I have been thinking a lot of the attraction of guys to me.   I have notice quite a pattern ever since I left my ex-fiance.  I attract unemotionally available or find out they have girlfriends.  Is it because I am unemotionally available?  I was once seeing this one guy a few years back, which our relationship was strictly sexual.  One time we were talking (which we didn't do that very often, ha) and he was stating how much he was in love with Rachel McAdams.  The girl he would marry in a heartbeat.  "Rachel McAdams," I said, "why?"  I mean she is cute, but I had never heard anyone say her.  I told him that I expected to hear someone like Angelina Jolie.  He explained to me that he would love to have sex with Angelina Jolie, but Rachel McAdams is the girl I would like to marry.  So I asked him, which one is am I?  He pleaded the fifth!  Ouch.  I was driving home from work and the song "Far Away" by Nickelback came on.  The guy that I was suppose to marry thought I was marrying type, but he was not what in the end I wanted.  He tried hard winning me back and played that song in my car unexpectedly.  I wonder such a romantic gesture, a man that knew me so well where he knew a song can change my whole outlook on a situation, and I decided to leave, move 2000 miles, and deal with douchebags from here on out.  I am crazy. 

On Finding Anna...
August 18, 2008

I am a writer.  I have written for various magazines, some websites, and newspapers.  I consider myself as a professional and take it very seriously.  That is why I am up everyday before noon and perhaps sometimes do not go to bed until 5am.  As my roommate always puts it, "doesn't matter what I am doing, what time it is, there she is typing, typing, typing, and if she is not doing that she is working on some other project. " 

However, with that said, I also "blog."  The definition of a blog is this: a shared on-line journal where people can post diary entries about their personal experiences and hobbies.  The other girls: Zoey, Piper, and Monroe focus on hobbies, while Jordan writes about her family and personal experiences, and I simply write about me.  I do not proof read, and I know I have mistakes because I write based on my emotions at the time because I want people to relate if they are put in the same situation.  I usually get over my sad times and my mad times, as everyone does and sometimes question if I should have written what I wrote, but that is why I don't proof read, I don't want to remove any emotion.  Think of as your own personal journal or diary, do you go back and edit it?   I would think not. 

I am not saying my life is more important than anyone else or trying to play a victim,  but I have gone through a lot in my life and the last four years have been the biggest struggle and journey of figuring out what I want and who I am.  Growing up and finding the person who I thought I was going to marry, I didn't need the answers to things in life.  I had it figured out.  I was in love, had my career, graduated college, and even a house.   I was living the Wisconsin dream.  In 24 hours, literally, that all changed.  I could have forgiven him and lived on settling for what I had, but I refused to love someone that I knew I could never trust again.  So after seven years, I did what I do best, bury my emotions and moved on.  I stayed in Wisconsin for about a year and did some things that I am ashamed of, but I can't regret because it was life lessons that I needed to learn.  I was an angry girl trapped in an adult mind.  I realized it was time for change so I packed up and moved to Las Vegas with my best friend.  A city where I knew it was great for a single, freedom-loving girl like myself.  I just didn't realize what I was really getting into because I had never been to city or even got an opinion on it. 

This city took me in and changed me.  I adjusted very quickly and lived the good life.  However, after being here the first year I took a risk and started getting myself involved with guys that actually lived here.   I was not ready to actually care about someone, but I loved the idea of it.  I ended up picking the worst one in the beginning.  Remember Berger?  A fantastic manipulator that knew how to swoop up and let fall.  I was warn by many, but I am a stubborn soul that doesn't like to be told what I can and can not handle.  The situation left me analytical and anxious to think how people like him actually exist.  I needed a logical reason behind it.  I am still that way.  When something doesn't go according to plan or how things should go (whatever way that may be) I find myself anxious and contemplating the answer.  I am trying very hard to let this factor of myself go, to develop patience and in time all the answers will just come face to face.   I am getting there... very slowly... how is that for ironic?  I guess people will need patience with me as well.  On a side note, the situation with Berger was not something I deserved.  I pride myself on being a caring person and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, no matter past mistakes (if those mistakes do not involve me), because some of my past was simply that... mistakes.  If I can forgive others for it, I can forgive myself.  Berger has felt the sting of karma now in his life, not because of what he did to me, but of what he did to all those girls, even his ex.  She may be my enemy (by her choice), but no matter she not deserve the things he did to her either. 

So if I fast forward through this past year because my last few situations are way too fresh to discuss,  I find myself in front a fork in the road.  I am ready to leave Las Vegas, which I have said over and over again, but the two things holding me back are if I am ready to leave this life and where am I going to go to start a new one.  I had tons of friends in Wisconsin when I left, I now talk to three of them.  I have a strong group of friends here and even though I am not the same as each and everyone of them, we all share a common thing.  We care about each other and would do anything for each other in a time a need.  It is my family and they have seen me change and grow as much as I have seen it with them.  I have my "brothers" that keep me grounded and never pass judgment, provide advice from a guys' prospective even though sometimes it has be taken with a grain of salt.  I have my "sisters" that get to see more of my emotional and sensitive side.  We can giggle about silly things, over analyze everything,  and support each other when any douchebag tries to bring us down.  My friends don't want to see me go, even though some are leaving themselves, but my true friends even know that it is time. 

I spent time with two of my "sisters" this weekend each at different times.  Each gave me different prospectives, but I would have to say last night with Zoey gave me the most enlightenment I have had in a while.  We discussed the innocence of being a child and what it is that we wanted out of life even at a young age.  I never really got to experience that innocence so I have always wanted one thing, a career.  Everything else that came with life was simply just a bonus.  That is still the one thing I want and I am working towards it, but I also eventually want to love someone 100% and they love me the same.  Maybe not marriage because I don't think it is needed and after planning one... oye.. it is a lot of work.  I have never pictured myself as a mother -- eek scary -- but I would enjoy being able to watch a child grow by hands and have family traditions much like the ones I got for a very short time in my life. 

We also discussed who I am, but what I show to others is not the same.  Yes, I love to go out, have fun, and enjoy the spotlight, but only on occasion.  I have had this blog for almost two years and have written about 65 crazy times (including vacays) so that is on average 2 1/2 times a month.  That is actually a disgrace to the Leo clan.  Other times, I will paint my house every color I can, start a project with the three thousand pics I have,  write (duh), watch movies, or just sit with a glass of wine with my closest friends and laugh, (which is my personal favorite).  However that chill, down-to-earth girl rarely comes out to those who do not know me, which in turn people will pass judgment against me and assume who I am.  An independent party girl that "doesn't care" about anything.  That is fine, I am not bitter about it.  I guess according to Zoey maybe I will come across the right person for me when I become the right person for myself and be able to share who I really am.   I know I won't be able to do that until I leave.  I can't be that person in Vegas because guys and girls are just too shady to expose your true self.  Guys love the chase and want to play games, they don't want a straight forward honest situation because they are too scared to deal with it.  Girls want someone that can party with, get them in the scene and you introduce them to the right people.  I have been lucky enough to weed out the good from the bad, but in the end I don't feel like dealing with it anymore. 

So where do I go from here?  Do I go to another big city or do I relocate to a small city? Should I go far or should I stay close? Will I still have my excitement and fun, but still get to chill when I want?  Will I find the same good people I have found here or will I find myself in another Vegas facade?  I suppose I have to have patience for these answers.  Prepare myself to go, set it up, and let fate guide me on where to go without over analyzing every step of the way.  I'll try, but I make no guarantees. 

Douchebag
August 6, 2008

Two weeks ago I went to Borders to look for some books.  I don't know why, but a bookstore is one of my favorite places to go when I need some alone time. I was browsing around and I saw this one book called, Hot Chicks with Douchebags on a featured stand.  Even though I was tempting to pick it up because "douchebag" is one of my favorite words, I resisted the urge.  I assumed it was another trend setting cliché book of why girls date certain guys, or why we do things wrong or right.  Basically, I am thinking it is the same kind of "Why Men Like Bitches," or "He's Just Not Into You." I refuse to read books like that.  There is no logic to dating or relationships, it should simply be -- be who you are, if one person doesn't like it, well... move on. 

Anyways, fast forward to a couple days ago when I am working and my manager brings in the Las Vegas Weekly.  He opens it to "Nights on the Circuit" by Xania Woodman and there it was, "Vegas Gets Booked: An exclusive interview with Hot Chicks with Douchebags author Jay Louis." I was "OMG-ing" as I found out this book is sold out at that same book store I was at.  Damn!  I missed out!  Okay, well not really.  The theme behind the book is a guy, Jay Louis, that has been spending his last few years obsessing over photos of hot chicks (define hot...) with guys he considers douchebags (a heterosexual male attempting to attract a female through the use of excessive cosmetic products, hand gestures, fist-pumping, loud shirts, upturned collars, jewelry and intricately carved facial hair), where his major targets include the city of Las Vegas and Los Angeles.  As much I would like to agree with the definition he provided, I have met plenty of guys everywhere that even with their normal looking exterior, the interior is overflowing with doucheness.  A lot of the pics are quite funny, but he chose a few people in Vegas that I know, and I think they are far from being a douche.  A lot of people from Vegas are not happy being featured or do not agree with Louis's choices, but according to Louis they are not allowed to be upset by it, or it enhances his definition -- well played on his part.   I wonder if he will feel the same way when one of those buff guys finds him to kick his ass.

I personally think this is a guy that is pretty much a Bitter Bob.  He chooses any dude with a mohawk, tattoo, muscles, or tan and with a chick.  He claims to not know any of them or their status, but right there is an admittance to judgment.  The truth of the matter is he was most likely was an outcast in his younger years, which in turn scarred him in his later years.  He probably has a bit of social anxiety that leaves him to sit at home on his computer and stare at pictures of what he wishes he could have.   I don't know for sure, I am actually not one to judge, but in retrospect, he wouldn't be able to get upset about my psychological analyst because that would be a contradiction to his own standards.  However, he does name himself, douchebag1... enough said. 

Broken
July 11, 2008

I hate it when the cursor blinks back at me.  Like it's tapping its fingers along a table waiting impatiently for a response, except this time I don't know what to say.  I have felt hurt before and experienced lots of pain in my life, but this is something beyond anything before.  I should have been prepared for it, and I truly thought I was, but sadly enough you can never prepare yourself for things you don't want. 

I went to Cali this past week and made a stop to see the boy.  I wanted to go to talk to him.  My birthday is a couple of weeks away, and I really wanted to make sure he was coming.  In fact, that is really the only thing I wanted for my birthday this year.  The fun drunken night turned into a nightmare as my intoxication caused a desperate panic to find my friend that had gone missing, which in turn lead me to some information that I was not prepared to see.  All of a sudden this pain literally went shooting in my heart and I freaked out.  I found my friend and dragged her out of the house to journey back to Las Vegas at 5am.  The five and half hours it took to drive home where a blur.  My thoughts and emotions were a mess and all I could think about is driving as far away as possible.  When I got us home I tried to go to bed.  I couldn't sleep or eat.  All I could think about is, "what am I going to do?"

I talked to him later that night and he decided for me.  He was right.  He was clear on where he stood with me and friendship was just that.  I knew who he was, and he told me he would never change.  I am just so confused because he may say that, but things did change this past year.  He always says he is going to be this guy that doesn't commit or date, but yet he has before and even in the past year that we hung out.  Yet I remain just his friend?  How is it possible to care and love someone so much and not get it in return? Well, it's not.  I can't.  I tried so hard to remain strong and resist the emotion of love that creeps up on you, but somewhere along the line I gave in.  Now I am left with the repercussions of my emotions.  He wanted to continue the friendship and I can't.  It's not fair to emotional attached to someone and not get it in return.  If I have to let go of the emotions I have to let go of everything. 

The problem is I don't know how I am going to do it.  I have never been so scared to move forward in my life, and I can't stop the pain that comes with it.  I always find a distraction, bury it deep, and move on, but I can't this time.  I don't know what to do.  I feel so lost at this point that I just sit here and feel nothing.  I truly can't believe this is how it turned out. It wasn't suppose to end this way.  This was my golden birthday, it was suppose to be the best day of the year, and now I don't even want it to come.  I want to run, but I don't know where to run to.  It just feels like some is holding my heart and squeezing as hard leaving me without a breath.  I know I have to start over. I need to get over this.  I just hope I find myself back after feeling so lost...

Table Talk
July 7, 2008

Topic 1: Walk of Shame, Hall of Fame
I have been told that the psychological make up of men, by some men, is a one-track thought process.  They don't over analyze, they don't care to care, and they basically are looking for a quick lay.  Now granted I don't truly believe that all men think this way, perhaps 5% along with Freud actually live by this, but I guarantee these are the men that are single, don't get laid, probably got their heart horribly broken, and will die alone.  Okay... maybe that is a bit harsh, but seriously that thought process is pretty harsh. 

It amazes me sometimes how it is okay for men to actually think that getting laid should be a prideful thing as if it is some major accomplishment that has been achieved in their life.  The higher the number ranks him higher on the pimp-o-meter, which I assume is a cool place to be.  However, if a woman has a one-night stand or a lot of sexual partners in her life time, she is a slut or easy.  These are titles not only brought on by men but their fellow women as well.  Even though society plays such a huge part on how women should be or how they should act, have medieval times not yet past?  Why can't we be proud of strutting our stuff the next morning?  Why must we feel ashamed or embarrassed to walk to our car obviously wearing the same dress, hair a mess, and carrying our shoes after a hot night?

There two of my girls and I sat this past Sunday eating brunch and discussing this topic, comparing stories to our worst "walk of shames."  Even in a city where sinning is expected, we still have to duck down our heads as we crossed the casino parking lot.  However, in some cities, and this is true, there is actually a "walk of fame" as men strut their stuff along a round-about as their fellow men cheer them on knowing they scored from the night before.  I think women should be treated the same.  So what if we hook-up for some random night?  Those men would not be getting a pat on the back if we didn't join them.  I mean the men may be thinking, "that chick would be great to bang," but little do they know we are thinking, "that guy is hot and it is time to find out if he is hot in bed." Sure perhaps we are looking for the next Prince Charming to sweep us off our feet, but we sure as hell know they aren't going to be found in a bar.  So I say this ladies, next time you find yourself getting your way back home the morning after, pull your hair back, hold your head high, and strut your stuff with a smile because the only thing you should be embarrassed for is the guy's performance you are going to dish about to all your friends.

Topic 2: Speaking of Prince Charming...
Crossing over to my discussion as LBC and I met for a late dinner this past evening is: what ever happened to Prince Charming?  Have you noticed that chivalry is basically dead?  Perhaps it is because we live in Las Vegas where relationships seem to be forced rather than built, but I think old-fashioned romance is pretty much dead nationwide.  I guess that is why when you find a guy that will tell you are beautiful rather than hot, not afraid to say he enjoys your company, and will grab your hand and pull you close for a soft kiss, we are like melted butter.  Even though independence is strong in most women it helps to know that there may be a hero you can turn to, just in case you fall apart.  Or maybe that hero is there to show you how you should be really treated instead of what you are use to.  On top of that, be able to feel okay about giving the romance back.  To share how you really feel instead of worrying if your words or action are going to chase the one guy away that has you smitten. 

It was an awakening for LBC this weekend as she had her short-lived romance to have her recognize that the guys she has been into have not been treating her the way she should be.  He said all the right words and even though he was only here for a weekend, for that weekend she got to remember what she wanted.  It allowed her to raise her standards on what to expect from any guy especially one that she cares about deeply.  He may have left, but he also left an impression with her that she will never forget.  That is when she stopped in the middle of her story to look at me and said, "speaking on the way you should be treated, the same goes for you." 

Love...
June 2, 2008

Dot. Dot. Dot. Isn't amazing how three little simple dots can say so much? Such a dramatic impact from writer to writer when Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex and the City, wrote "Love..." when trying to write her book on what happens after you find love. Except for her, the love she found she lost, which left her lost for words. (I am not giving away the movie, this was in the previews.) Honestly, I don't know if it was the movie or the nostalgia of reliving Carrie's dramatic love life between her and Big, but it has got me thinking hard about love. Especially after she stated... "That one big love never comes easy..." Damn straight! Personally after the movie, I was a bit depressed. I turned to my girls and said, "Ew, I have a Mr. Big." LBC responded with the best response, "Anna, we all have a Mr. Big." OMG, how true is that? Why is that? What has happened with society that has made our men so afraid of commitment instead of sweeping us off our feet? Is it because of our stubborn asses crave an independent stance to show we don't need a knight and shining armour because we can simply do it ourselves? Is there a balance at which men and women can finally come together and say love is okay? Simply date... fall in love... and make a final commitment... without losing ourselves in the process? Perhaps that is the key, if you are simpily happy with yourself, you can learn to be happy with another instead of rushing into something for instant gratification. You will stop looking for the next "BIG" thing and realize you already have it. Hell, if Mr. Big could do, can't everyone? Can I? Sometimes I feel so jaded, I can't even say the words "I love you" because I was so betrayed by love that to even say the words might end up leaving me hurt.

However, I can't say I have given up on love. I was fortunate to experience it at a young age that even though it didn't have the fairytale ending I thought it was going to have, it left me wise on what I do want and expect. The scars left me fearful and tough, but as I get older I know eventually I will have to let that go. Even now, I am forced to face that fear as I have come to the realization how I truly feel about one particular person... my Mr. Big. I been told by many to tell him, and I have been told by many to let it go. One year... one year... the longest I have put myself in situation that I am left blind on what to do. Sometimes I feel the risk of releasing the fear is not worth the loss I will sustain if he can't take it. He is my friend and that is so important to me that I don't know if I can handle losing it. It's a double edge sword because I don't think how I feel is really the question, but how he does is the answer. One year... that is his timeline to be over it, I guess I will have to see. I have never been "his girlfriend" and I don't even believe I can even say I dated him, but feeling and emotions are stronger than words and titles.

This past weekend was the hardest weekend I have to face dealing with it especially after seeing Sex and the City. Three of my girls and I sat there, wiping our tears, watching the story between four women that help you remember how important your friends are in dealing with that one true love. I am fortunate to have the friend part down, but I know my life is not a movie and eventually I'll have to face reality. I just can't predict the ending to this, which is something I have never dealt with. When I finally get the courage and even if he doesn't care, it won't be the ending. It will be a beginning... to the next chapter in my life of love... whoever he may be.




My Single Life
January 15, 2010

The single life.  A life with no boundaries, no one to answer to, drunken nights, and sometimes... random one night stands.  I was a good girl this past couple of weeks, well on random hookups that is... as for the others things? Not so much.

Mama T and another friend came to Las Vegas last week for a five day extravaganza. They arrived on Saturday where I decided to go against my routine of sleep before work and hit the city with them.  We started off at Vanity, the new nightclub in Hard Rock's new tower. The decor in the tower is very gothic rock with two center bars equipped with blackjack tables, craps, and countless slot machines. The line to the club was ridiculous... like a starving mob.

 

Being the lovely ladies we are, we snuck past the crowd and headed upstairs to the luxurious club.  It was much smaller than its old sister club Body English but way more glamorous.  Plush couches line the middle of the club with gold "classy" stripper poles.  The dance floor is sunken in the back with a high platform DJ booth so from any point you can see all the action.  We saw the action of IYAZ singing Replay live along with Diddy, Nelly, and the rest of the bad boy crew. We were offered from host to host to join tables that needed help downing their alcohol.  We met some homies from Australia but couldn't stay due to lack of personal hygiene... just say no to B.O.

 

Lucky for us, one of our old friends recently moved back to Vegas (which seems to be the thing to do lately) and is now hosting at Vanity as well.  He came and saved us when he brought us to a new table of some guys from N.C. that own their own clubs back home. At about 2AM we decided to hop over to the new club Haze at Aria (City Center).  The place was at max capacity with David Guetta guest DJing.  I saw my old boss which got us past the long line and into the massive crowd.  Our friend had a table with a great view of David (I love his new CD) along with some serious Cirque like performers.  I didn’t stay long as I had to head off to work at 4AM… so gross.

 

The next night I met up with the girls again where we started off at Dos Caminos for some fantastic food and drinks. I decided to opt out of a sweet Margarita and went right for a shot of tequila.  I decided on Corzo Anejo and to my surprise it came as a triple shot.  Forcing to take it down in separate quantities I actually found it to be the smoothest tequila I have had thus far and trust me... I have tried quite a few. After a filling meal and an unusual dessert (tequila with sherbet, not good) we went to their hotel room to get ready for the night.

 

Two hours later we stepped out in style and in all black to head to Caramel and The Bank at the Bellagio where we met up with Boston and Golfer.   After a few shots we headed upstairs to check out Bad Boy Bill spinning at the Bank. Trying to remain on my best behavior, we left Boston at The Bank and took a drunken Golfer to Vanity.  The whole time he kept repeating "don't leave me." Well wouldn't you know it... he ended up sneaking away and leaving us!  What are you gonna do? We still managed to have a good time as we drank at the same table from the night before, danced on poles while Bob Sinclair spun, and did some shots with some coworkers I ran into. I was beyond wasted and it was fantastic!

I took a couple days off and headed back out for their last night in town.  Boston, LBC, Katy, and the ladies headed out to Dick's Last Resort for dinner and banter.  The waitress was pretty weak but the bartender put on a great show.  However, it wasn't as good as the show we saw after.  My first time to check out the Thunder from Down Under was truly unforgettable.  Hot men doing horrible dance routines and cheesy lip syncing was hilarious! On top of that they brought an old grandma on stage for the fake orgasm contest. I would say the Chippendales routine is way hotter and the Thunder is great for comedy.

 

After the show we met up with Golfer and headed to Eve.  It was the opening night of their Industry night.  It was a little awkward at first. We arrived a bit early I guess because even though the club was absolutely beautiful the crowd was a bit stale.  Fast forward to an hour later and everyone was wasted, the club filled up, and the music got louder finally setting the party crowd to get wild. I even saw Tania from the VH1 show "My Antonio!" I frickin' loved that show... we took a pic together and she gave me the dish on the "reality" of the show. Hmmmm... I don't think Ill be trying out for season 2 if there is one. Bummer.

 

The night continued in drunken debauchery when half of our party got separated.  LBC and I found ourselves stranded in the middle of Eve so we headed across the way to Aria.  We arrived at a lounge where I wanted to scoop out a potential hook-up.  I had seen him twice, met him once, and found him to be just my type.  When we arrived, I am sure I made quite impression in my severe drunken state, but the real problem was that the guy didn’t make an impression on me.  Isn’t it supposed to be when you get drunk a person looks better not worse?  I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it.  LBC tried to convince I was just being picky, but I wasn’t changing my mind.  A few minutes later Golfer joined in the crew and we decided it was time for a fast food run.  I wanted Del Taco and Golfer wanted Jack in the Box.  LBC decided whoever stayed awake would win… we got Del Taco. 

 

It was sad to see my friends leave, but I was also relieved to get back to normal life.  After a couple days of hard core partying and back to working, LBC and I decided to venture out someplace new.  We met one of my coworkers out at The Grape, a place located in Town Square.  If you are a wine drinker and appreciate gourmet food, this is a great place to go with friends or even on a date.  What was great was that they didn’t have standard wines listed on every menu in every restaurant.  They allowed us to sample whatever we wanted and we even got a meat and cheese plate that the chef prepares to match the wine the guest is drinking.  After we had our fill of samples and glasses, LBC and I headed home to have a disco dance party in our room.  I love the buzz wine gives… I just don’t like the headache the next day. 

 

To finish up the week I ventured out one more time to meet Red out dragging Golfer along with me.  We started out at Blue Martini where Venus Rising playing, a local rock and roll band.  I guess Tuesday is now “rock and poll” at Blue Martini even though I didn’t see any pole dancers.  Once Red arrived we decided to head to Pure where Jermaine was performing.  I have not been to Pure in over two years!  The place looked exactly the same… just slower.  We danced around for a bit, but had to leave quickly when Golfer got too drunk to dance anymore.  Let me tell you, helping a guy walk from Pure across the casino to self-park is not easy… especially when the guy tries running away back to the club every twenty feet.  He is lucky I have dealt with plenty of drunken people in my life to develop patience for these kinds of things.  It was actually pretty funny. 

 

Over the past two weeks and going to pretty much every club Vegas has to offer I noticed a theme.  At every place there is a rich old couple trying to live young again. There is a “doofy table” where people that usually never go out, come to Vegas, buy some bottles hoping it will brings people to the table to help them score that night.  There is always, always, some guy dressed up in character, usually Elvis.  A belligerent drunk guy that hits on every girl he walks by.  Then there are people like my friends and me… some single, some attached, some semi-attached, going out to have a good time in the city they live in.  However each one us along with everyone else has one thing in common… we are all with the people we care about creating memories we will never forget.


Out with the Old
December 27, 2009

Ah… the holidays… the end of the year… the time to let go of the old and bring in the new.  Set resolutions for the New Year to come and reminisce of the past year.  I would have to say this has been an intriguing year.  I say intriguing because I can’t say it has been good and even through all the bad, it certainly has been intense.  I’ve managed to live in three different states, worked at six different places, slept with five different guys, meet new peeps, reunite with old ones, and removed the bad ones.  Wow… I sure had a busy year.  The last couple of weeks have been no exception with my new job, relapsed moments, and for once to being able to say I am happy with my life.


I started a new bartending job in Vegas, which has certainly set forth my new work and partying schedule.  Like most spots to work for in this city, it requires most employees to go and socialize.  It started a couple of weeks ago when Boston and I met Zoey out at Fight Club 3.  A charity event at the Hard Rock held once a year.  My boss was fighting and won.  After a few shots we were wasted as Boston and I headed down to Revolution for the after party.  I only stayed bit while Boston brought me back to Hard Rock to meet Zoey at Body English.  A few more drinks headed us down to a cab where we made the cabbie stop at Jack in the Box on the way home.  I would have love to been able to read that driver’s mind when he heard two girls order $25 worth of fast food.  That was quite the hangover the next morning.  


A week later I was called to go out for our work Christmas party at Yellowtail and the Bank.  A pretty nice perk of work when you get a free meal at a premier spot and all the alcohol you can drink.  Having an unlimited amount let me exceed my amount.  A glass of champagne, 3 sake shots, 2 cucumber martinis, a whiskey shot, and then back to 3 more glasses of champagne led me to break an entire bottle of champagne at the Bank, a couple of glasses, and my pride.  I bounced out of the party early and headed down to see Boston at work.  Standing there after while I started relapsing on memories and thinking about the holidays coming up made me a little sad.  Ugh … so I did it… I drank and texted.  Oye… waking up the next morning to see I sent Cali a message stating: “I don’t miss u at all…. I just miss my friend” made me burst out in laughter.  These are the things that made me use to freak out or cause anxiety, but I just found my drunken self amusing.  I don’t miss him at all actually and what friendship did I miss?  Someone that never respected me or used me?  Yeah, I deleted his number after that. 


To continue my hopping around in Vegas, City Center finally opened up where I have been traveling to quite frequently.  One night Golfer and I headed out as we wanted to check out the first place to open, Vdara.  We walked in a hotel lobby with a little bar and a little restaurant.  Talk about awkward… nothing and nobody was there.  We decided to use the convenient walk path to Bellagio and headed to Caramel.  It was so pretty to see the Christmas display in the Botanical Gardens.  I freaking love the Bellagio.  A week later I headed back to City Center for a Christmas party at the new casino, Aria, and new nightclub, Haze.  I walked into a very drunken mess after having dinner at Society at Encore and a drink at Blush.  Boston, LBC, and Golfer were all there.  After running into a past one night stand who tried getting me to go home with him that night, I grabbed Boston and we headed out.  We were being harassed as we were walking out by different guys trying to get us to go up to their room.  Boston didn’t take it as well as she turned around and smacked one of the guys in the face so hard it made his head turn.  She smacked him in front of security, which resulted in a confrontation with the rest of hotel security.  She got off after the guy went belligerent on everyone else. 


Christmas was fantastic while my little Vegas family and Max coming all the way from Fresno to join in.  I cooked up a storm and we had a huge feast of food while LBC, Katy, Golfer, Max, and I gather around the living room watching marathons of Bones and Criminal Minds… nothing like watching murder and crime to ring in the holiday joy.  Later that night Max, Katy, and I headed back down to Aria to make our rounds.  We checked out the new Gold lounge and Deuce, a high limit lounge.   I was quite impressed with both places but the prices are ridiculous with $12 a drink.  The newer the place the higher the prices I suppose.  We decided to leave and head down to Prive where Max could visit one of his friends and we ended up running into an old friend.  Once the drinks set in Katy and I tore up the dance floor and wandered around the club.  Around 3AM I was spent and we headed home to dream of sugarplums and candy canes. 


Now I have been sitting thinking about my New Year resolutions and decided I don’t really have any.  I always set up these “resolutions” or set these perimeters in my life that are suppose to make me happier with myself and my life.  Those perimeters told me I would never come back to Vegas or I needed to be at a certain point at a certain age in my life.  I realized that for once in my life I am living with pure happiness.  I don’t need any resolutions or changes because I have all I need.  Good friends, a good job, and being truly happy with my decisions and choices I have made.  I go through periods of happiness and sadness but this time is different.  Because I always wait for the bad to come after the good, but this time the only ball I am waiting for to drop is the one in Times Square to ring in 2010. 


Happy New Year everyone!

Waking Up in Vegas
December 7, 2009

Age is a funny thing.  In retrospect, it is just a number that marks how many years we have been alive.  It is not necessarily how you old are or how old you feel… or simply put you are only as old as you feel.  It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.  All the cute little sayings to make one feel better about turning 30, 40, or whatever age they are turning.  When you are in Las Vegas, age is nothing… the only number that matters is 21 to be able to drink, gamble, and seek out amateur porn.  I certainly like to act young when the enticing neon lights give you the signal to let loose and get a little frisky.  It just sucks waking up where the only light is from the sun to remind of reality. 


I’ve been back in Vegas for what feels like a month.  Back to the go, go, go, shots, shots, shots, dancing in random spots, finding a quick crush, and completing it with a classic walk of shame.  The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest nights of the years to go and gather with friends, which Max, Golfer, Bellins, Katy, LBC, Boston, and I accomplished that goal by hitting Town Square.  We all met up at Cadillac Ranch because the line to Blue Martini was wrapped around the corner.  Golfer was meeting up with some of his friends that were in town for the holiday.  I walked in a little crabby, but my mood immediately changed when I spotted the new group along with a hottie that threw me for unexpected look.  I turned to LBC and simply said, “so… Golfer’s friend is really hot… this could be trouble for me.”  You see I have this specific type that truly sets me in this different mode.  It’s as if I know right away whether I should pursue and that I definitely did.  It didn’t take long and only two patron shots before we were flirting and dancing.  I don’t really even know how it began because it was like we weren’t talking then he was asking me if I was ready to go.  I immediately started freaking out when we got back to his room when I realized I left with a friend of a friend… awkward. 


That “awkwardness” soon went away when I was distracted by kissing him… I heart good kissers.  Of course kissing let to a lot more fun, but once done I went into “old one night stand Vegas mode,” no sleeping over.  I really wanted to leave, not because I was uncomfortable with him, just uncomfortable with myself.  I did not want to “cuddle.”  There is something intense with cuddling.  It’s like I can have sex with anyone numerous times and not feel any connection.  However, when you cuddle with someone you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting that someone is not going to take advantage of it.  That feeling vulnerability develops into a sense of security and trust or as some may feel… a connection.  I did end up staying, but I didn’t sleep and by the time 7:30AM rolled around I rolled out of bed.  It was Thanksgiving and I had pies to bake.  We walked down to the casino together, which classified my walk into shame when a family of five and some grandparents joined up in the elevator.  Awesome.  When I got home I got a lot grief… with a house full of people and two moms… that was bound to happen.  He joined on the festivities later, which wasn’t awkward because I was way too tired to feel anything.  LBC and I went out later that night to visit Boston at work and I was suppose to meet up with him again, but I was too tired and way too sore to involve myself into any activity.

 

After a full night’s rest I woke up to celebrate LBC’s birthday.   I have spent the last two years with her on her special day and you better believe the third time is a charm.  The family all got together and headed down to Café Ba Ba Reba for some tapas and drinks.  Starting off the night with two martinis set both LBC and I in feisty mode.  After dinner we headed to Caramel for shots and to meet up with some more peeps including the boy.  We stayed for quite a bit and slammed shot after shot.  Caramel was packed and we were dancing up a storm.  Our party had to continue on so we headed on to Prive where Golfer had set up a comp bottle from one of his friends that worked there.  We got to the front and we were denied!  I guess showing up at 1:30AM was a bit too late.  Can’t keep a good group down so we walked down to HTZ where we were giving a bottle for the bday girl.  We went through it in less than 30 minutes.  We tried going back to Prive where we were allowed in but Bellins had realized he had lost his I.D. somewhere along the way.  I went up with Max for a bit so he could say hi to one of friends.  The group got separated which led LBC and the boys to head back to Caramel, Golfer was with the moms playing slots, and Bellins and Katy were wondering the casino.  When Max and I got back downstairs we ran into them and decided to walk back to Caramel.  Before we reached the Bellagio doors, Max and I had lost Bellins and Katy.  That’s what happens when a big group of people get too drunk.  Everyone gets A.D.D. and disappears. 


We walked into a drunken mess as LBC and the boys were being tackled by a very drunk Boston. After a drink was spilt and Caramel was getting ready to close, it was time to go.  Max and LBC went one way and I went back the boy.  We hooked up again... naturally… but this time I stayed and slept just fine.  Not a good thing for me.  Wait…  I mean it’s not bad, but it crossed a line.  I realized enjoyed his company, but didn’t really know anything about him.  I wanted to know more.  I wanted to have more time, but alas he was leaving.  I realized at that moment my car was still at the Bellagio and we were at Paris.  It was 11:30AM.  The sun was shining and the strip was packed.  I was going to have to face the walk of shame in short strapless red satin dress and black suede high heel shoes.  It was mortifying to walk that far.  I could have just held up a sign stating “yes I hooked up with the person walking next to me.”  Awesome.  Hands down my most embarrassing walk of shame and yet so classy as we walked passed Chanel, Armani, and Prada. 


I brought him and his friend to the airport and he left with a kiss goodbye.  I was feeling very strange about it all.  I don’t know why really.  I suppose I was just overwhelmed with facing the reality I was back in Vegas.  My emotions were quickly distracted though when I checked my phone to realize I wasn’t the only one that didn’t make it home.  LBC had her own little fun with an ex… birthday sex she said.  It was fine with her until her ex made into a bigger deal than what it had to be.  I never understood how a guy freaks out after sex especially when the girl is expecting nothing out of it.  Can’t two people hook up that know they are sexually connected without all the drama? 


I’ve been back in Vegas for almost three weeks now and every night has been a trip.  I am very happy with my decision.  It is nice spending time with my Vegas family especially coming back at a time not only when I needed to but when others needed me to as well.  It is important to spend the holidays with people that care, to have them remind you of who you are, and are happy to have you back to normal.  It fees good to be happy and actually feel like I’m back to normal… about 95% there.  I just have a couple of loose ends to clear up.  I have been on the hunt for a job every day while trying to reconnect with friends and helping those who need it as well.  Times are transitioning as some are dealing with breakups, some are dealing with new loves, and some are dealing with consequences of their drunken actions.   I can guarantee if my next chapter in Vegas is anything like it has been these last three weeks, waking up in Vegas is going to be the best decision I have ever made. 


Back and Forth
November 24, 2009

The holiday season is officially upon us.   People are preparing their grocery lists for Thanksgiving, cleaning their homes for guests, making their wish list for Christmas, or whatever holiday they celebrate, and joy is spread throughout the world.  The best time of year for cheer, happiness, forgiving and forgetting, and celebrating the love that surrounds you.  I love this time of year.  The air is different, people are different, and there are special days to look forward to.  Not to mention the best movies especially Love Actually… sigh. However, I am having a hard time focusing on the holidays as I am making my final changes of the year.  These next two days will be last days living in Fresno as I am packing and cleaning to make my apartment empty to move back to Las Vegas to spend Thanksgiving with my other family.  As I am packing away my memories to move, I am also trying to move on as well.


I took my first load to Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago as I am taking in it strides.  I have a lot of stuff to move and to fit in a house that is already full has been quite a challenge.  As a celebration of my homecoming, Golfer, LBC, Zoey, and I went out to visit Boston at work.  LBC and I headed out first starting out night out with Espresso Martinis and Champagne.  I got a quite a buzz before we headed out to our next location so I started dancing by myself in a lounge that people don’t normally dance in.  I have a habit of doing that when the “happy” drunkness begins.  The GM of the lounge came up to me and told me I could dance by myself anytime I wanted in there.  Okay… it was time to go.  We headed off to Wasted Space in the Hard Rock to visit an old co-worker and I was amazed by how much the place had changed.  The Hard Rock was filled with new lounges and new stores to shop in.  Wasted Space was busy as well, which was a good change, but not overwhelmingly busy so there was plenty of room for LBC and I to takeover the dance floor there as well.  They had a cool mash up with the DJ spinning the tracks and a drummer matching the beats.  We ran into some peeps we knew there and soon we were heading to Crazy Horse III, the latest strip club to grace the city of Las Vegas.  We had a huge group with us and we were most certainly taking advantage of the open bar.  I was surprised that none of the girls approached our group and kind of felt they were a little lazy.  After a drunken speech, I took a challenge stating I would get up on stage to make some money if the girls that were working didn’t want to.  This turn into a debacle where the guys were asking for management and Zoey went to track down some help to make this idea into reality.  The laws in Vegas require that all dancers have a business license, which I obviously don’t have so we immediately got shot down.  Zoey was determined though so she found a manger that would let us go in a back room that had been shut down for the evening.  There was just one problem… I wasn’t wearing any underwear… oops!  


I am one to stand by word so I wasn’t giving up. Zoey agreed to give me hers… please remember we had been drinking for a good six hours at this point.  We headed to the bathroom where Zoey passed on them down after checking, “all good mama!”  We went outside for my Vegas stripping debut and we were stopped by security.  We took too long and they had changed their minds.  After much frustration we decided to leave.  We were out in the parking lot when someone said, “where’s LBC?”  I walked back into the club where some guy was hitting up on LBC.  Some guy that was making out with some chick five minutes prior.  Ew.  I grabbed LBC and told her he was bad news.  We ran outside and in the middle of the parking lot I realized I still had Zoey’s underwear on, so I stopped, slipped them off, tossed to Zoey, and ran to the car giggling with LBC the whole way.  The next morning we woke up and said, “did that just happen?”  Right then her phone beeped with a picture text message from the guy that stopped her the night prior.  It was him, shirt off, taking a picture of himself in the mirror… “what did I say?”


I headed back to Fresno for the weekend to collect some more things and to prepare for my trip around.  Mitch had come into town for a job interview, which turned into the quite the party weekend.  It started Saturday night when we went to a friend’s house to watch the UFC fight and a boxing match.  I don’t really follow the sport, but I do find it intriguing to watch.  After we went for a bit, but the scene wasn’t that exciting so Mitch, his girlfriend, and I headed back to my place to drink Sangria and catch up on old times.  The next day we woke up early and started out Sunday Funday at Twist.  The day completely consisted of drinking and eating a lot.  Later in the evening Mitch, Max, and I headed to Table Mountain to gamble a bit and then met up with the rest of the peeps for some karaoke at Elements.  It was so much fun.  Two bottles of Grey Goose and a bottle of Captain makes every night fun.  I sang my usual but ended the night with a duet,  “A Whole New World” with an amazing singer.   After Mitch and I headed to Denny’s to meet Kenny.  We pulled up to see him peeing on his truck.  HA!  Must be nice to be a boy and be able to pee wherever you want.  After my fifth meal of the day we headed back to my place where we all passed out to Twilight.  


A couple of days later I headed back to Vegas with a truckload of stuff and Natasha by my side.  All my stuff was held by two single straps, which made our trip seven hours in fear of something falling out the back.  We arrived at approximately 10PM where we walked into my new home with Golfer immediately asking us if we wanted to drink.  I wanted to eat as I was starving and he promised we would get Pho after one stop.  Yeah… one stop?  We had to stop by the Fort Apache Lodge first for a couple of shots of Patron and headed down to Wasted Space.  It didn’t take long before we were all, well… wasted.  Golfer kept handing LBC, Natasha, and me more drinks than we could handle.  After a horribly sweet shot, I had had enough.  I ran to the only bathroom, which was unisex by the way, and threw up all I had drunken.  Of course to my luck the toilet wouldn’t flush… how embarrassing.  The cleaning guy had just walked in and I pointed to the last stall with a meek “sorry.”  I had reached my limit and I needed pho!  We were walking out of Hard Rock when all of sudden I saw a “Sex and the City” penny machine!  I didn’t have any cash, but Golfer said he would play and ended up winning $180!  It was pretty exciting...   


After unpacking I had to make my final trip back to Fresno and what a trip it has been.  Saturday Mitch was back in town and the whole crew hit the town.  I got pretty drunk and when Lucy showed up yelling, “shots, shots, shots” it put me over the edge.  The rest of the night was pretty fuzzy expect for a few crazy moments.  We were at TWIST when I was ordering a drink and this guy (who I know) came up to me, dipped me, and started making out with me!  I was so stunned I didn’t really know how to react.  Lucy and I headed over to ROE to visit some friends, take another shot, and this guy was over there and we starting making out again… wtf? Eh, drunken decisions… On my way out I ran into to Mama T, where according to her, I was upset about leaving and not spending time with her while Lucy was dancing in the middle yelling “I’m sober.”  I have no recollection of that what so ever.  We made it back to TWIST where I was busting out some dancing moves and since there is no dancing allowed, a security guard told me I had to stop so I turned around and started dancing up on him.  I obviously had my fill so Lucy and I decided to leave.  Of course, I wasn’t going to risk driving so we starting walking.  The cop cars were out pretty heavy and as one eyed us suspiciously I yelled at him stating we were walking, not driving.  One word: classy.  


After recovering and spending my day on Sunday with Mama T I packed up the rest of my place.  How sad to think it is over, but extremely exciting as well.  Fresno was a good place while it lasted… even though I have a lot of bad memories, I do have some really really good ones as well.  I leave Wednesday morning for good even though I’m sure I’ll be back to visit.  It’s time to get back on track and figure out where I belong for good.  I just feel like once that happens, the rest will fall into place… love and happily ever after… because even though the hurt I have been through would turn a normal soul jaded… I refuse to conform. 

 


Meet Me Halfway
November 11, 2009

Three months... it seems like a long time depending if you are waiting on something or a short time if you are trying to get away from something.  Three months away from sadness, negativity, and a lot of hurt to regroup, heal, and "get over" it all.  Returning to the place that has made me regret most of the decisions I have made in the last two years made me realize that three months was not long enough.

 

Leaving Las Vegas the week prior was the first time I didn't really want to go. However, I tried to remain optimistic as I boarded the plane back to Fresno.  Natasha came and picked me up and after we chatted a while, I was left alone in my apartment.  It was weird not remembering where I put the little things, which I guess would be normal considering I only lived there for three weeks before I hopped on a jet plane.  One thing that was a reminder though was the energy of the place.  There was certainly a lack of good memories - only the memories of my two most important days of this year resulting in tears.  My anxiety was suddenly back along with my restless night.  It was around 5AM when I made my decision that it was time I left Fresno... for good.  I made a vow never to return to Vegas, but I realized the moment I became unhappy in that city was when I made the decision to allow people to mistreat me for their own selfish reasons because my selfless and caring persona was an easy target. So perhaps it was time to return to the City of Sin to find my true path and direction without getting mixed up with the wrong people.

 

The next day I got up and finally got my license back.  I was ecstatic to be able to drive again... ahhh, the little things in life.  I went to my apartment manager and put in my 30-day notice of vacating my place.  It’s going to cost me a lot but some things are worth it... like my sanity.  I called up LBC to confirm my decision as she said she would start making the necessary arrangements.  I’m going to be shacking up with LBC, Bellins, Katy, and Golfer in their 3-bedroom house until I was ready to get a place on my own.  I love my Vegas family. Settling up the Vegas side of my decision, I went and met Max for happy hour and to see the rest of my Fresno family.  I arrived a bit early so I could spend some time with Mama T and catch up on all the gossip of the place I once worked at.  When I walked in I also spotted Kidd.  The hottie I took to Vegas about five months prior.  After Max arrived the drinks and food came pouring out and I was doing fine until someone mention “Sake Bombs.”  My favorite shot!  How could I say no?  I should have said no to the second one, but I didn’t.  That’s when I asked Max if it would be okay to go Cali’s workplace.  I was curious to see him since I was still unaware of how I felt.  I knew I was over the “feelings” but I was not over the scars he has left with me.  I wanted to confirm how I felt.  Not to mention… he is not the only person that works there and since I was a regular since before it was opened, I wanted to say “hi” to everyone. 

 

We went in where only a few people were at the bar.  Cali saw me and simply said “awwwkkkward…” with a small hug and a “hi.”  That was it.  I stayed in there for a while, but no conversation was made with him.  Really there wasn’t any need.  I felt exactly how I thought I would… the “love” was gone, but an immense sadness for the person that I once considered a good friend that had no apologies for the hurtful words he said to me, which made me realized nothing truly remained.  We left to go back to where I was to sing some karaoke.  We were dancing and singing when Kidd showed up just about as drunk as I was.  We were laughing and flirting until my mood completely changed when Cali and his girlfriend came walking through the door.  I understand that some of his friends were there, but honestly, I think it was inappropriate he came.  How ironic that the situation was reversed a few months prior when I came walking into a bar where he was at because some of my friends were there, which resulted in him calling me a psycho stalker and ultimately ending everything… friendship included.  I ignored it for a while, but my blood started to boil after a while. I went to Mama T to help me snap out of it. 

 

She looked at me and said, “Kidd wants to hook up with you tonight and you need it.”

 

I looked at Kidd, looked back at her and said, “Well, that’s my cue to go.” I grabbed him and headed out the door without any other thought.  I even forgot to say good-bye to my friends.  Kidd and I certainly hooked up, which considering it had been five months for me since I had had sex, it was certainly needed and the extra number was well worth it.  It was nice to have sex again without the worrying if someone was going to freak out over something that is completely fun and casual.  There was no awkwardness in the morning and we both knew it was just whateves.  Kidd is a friend, a good guy, but wouldn’t be anything more.  I can’t date those younger than me even if it is only a couple of years and besides I don’t think he look at me that way either.  He told me we had to stay in bed until 1PM because it was important for me to relax, however I broke the news that check-out time is at 11AM. 

 

Friday was a friend’s birthday where Max and I went out for dinner with her and the after party was at Cali’s workplace… of course.  I promise I would go for one but I knew it would not be a good time if I stayed longer.  I did just that because that time around I wasn’t even worthy of a “hi.” Nor was I the next day either as a group of us did a little bar tour for my welcome back party.  How I love it when he decides to acknowledge everyone at my table except me.  I just don’t really get the whole “not talking/acknowledging” thing.  It’s been three months, I’m leaving in a couple of weeks, and can’t you just get over it and be civil instead of making it awkward for everyone?  But I behaved myself.  All I wanted to say was that, “you called me names, spread rumors that I was obsessed with you and crazy, and that I moved to Fresno for you, while the real truth was that I was never here for you, but I most certainly have left because of you so can get over it already?”  But I didn’t.  I just felt way about it all, especially after a couple of cocktails.  There will come a day when he will look back on this and realize the damage he has done.  It won’t be today or tomorrow or anytime soon, it will come when his future makes him face his past. 

 

Just like what I had to do these past three months.  My future is now or never.  This past year, especially these last three months has challenged my strength and changed me into someone different.  Three months ago, I would have cried, yelled, and felt in despair of how he treated me, but now it is just an annoyance that I don’t really care about anymore.  Now I am back in Las Vegas where I get to see the people to care and care about me just as much.  I’ll be going back and forth over the next couple of week, but one thing I realized was this:

 

Perhaps I felt leaving Las Vegas was the right thing to do a year ago, but now I feel returning to Las Vegas is the best thing to do.  It is an investment into my future.  Every day I become stronger because facing Vegas all over is just another challenge to my future… my happy ever after that I have a very strong feeling is not that far away. 

 




FRESNO

MANHATTAN STEAKHOUSE AND BAR

1731 W BULLARD AVE
FRESNO, CA 93711
HOURS: DAILY 4PM-CLOSE

 

When I walked up to the Manhattan, the old saloon door made feel like I could be walking into an old episode of Cheers. Instead I was taken back to a swanky old New York feel with black and white photos of infamous movie shots and old-time stars.  The dining room had a huge mirror for the back wall with animated couple mocking a ballroom dance. To my left was the lounge with deep sunken leather black couches to match the granite top bar that was littered with regulars suited up in their sport jackets drinking their favorite martini. 

                                                             

Now granted, I probably should have ordered a “Manhattan,” but after reading the specialty drink menu that Jeff, the veteran bartender, provided to me, I opted for the “Metropolitan.” The menu read it as a mix of Absolut Citron and Stoli Razberri muddled with fresh lemon and champagne. However, Jeff made it his own special way with 1 oz Absolut Citron, ¾ oz Chambord, ½ oz sweet and sour, shaken with a slice of fresh lemon, topped with a float of Korbel Champagne, and garnished with a perfect lemon twist. He said he preferred the Chambord to the Stoli Razberri because it enhanced the flavor in the drink. I declined the sugar rim, which was a wise choice because the sweet and tart taste didn’t need it. The moment the rich purple martini hit my taste buds I was impressed by its taste of genuine raspberries.  After a short moment it was followed by a burst of tartness. It was similar to raspberry lemonade on a hot day.  The taste was remarkably real, unlike most drinks made with Chambord that leaves a superficial aftertaste. Jeff used a perfect amount of sweet and sour because the martini didn’t have an overpowering sweet taste and the sour was just enough for a little pucker. The drink doesn’t have an ounce of alcohol taste to it so if it wasn’t a martini, I would have question if I were drinking a non-alcoholic beverage. 

 

The problem with have a “special” mix verses the standard recipe, is you want to make sure that bartender always makes it. If you decide to journey over to the Manhattan, just call ahead to make sure Jeff is working. If a martini is not what you want, I have a feeling Jeff could probably whip up a great “Manhattan.”

*This was published in Fresno Magazine by Charity Mainville, CEO of www.thegotogirls.com
 

OFFICE 1560
1560 E NEES AVE
FRESNO, CA
HOURS: DAILY 10AM-MIDNIGHT

When my VZ Navigator said, “you have now reached your destination,” I was bit confused because Office 1560 was not in front of me.  Thank goodness for Heather, the bartender, telling me I was just around the corner.  I finally walked into a small industrial designed dark room equipped with high tables, plush corner couches, and a small bar that fits about 8-10 people. 

 

Being extremely indecisive of what I want, Heather suggested trying the infused vodka.  Two large jars sat on the back bar, one filled with lemons and the other with blueberries.  She served the blueberry infused vodka on the rocks with a splash of sprite.  It tasted like I was drinking a blueberry muffin or a slice of blueberry pie without the heavy carbs.  Infused vodka is made in bulk where Office 1560 mixes a 1 liter bottle of Blueberry Stoli,  a ½ 1 liter bottle of Triple Sec,  2 cups of fresh blueberries, and a small amount of sweet and sour, close to one cup.  The fruit then ferments in the vodka for a couple of days leaving the taste and color of blueberries while masking the taste of the vodka.  It can be served on the rocks, as a martini, as a shot, or with a mixer.  Add a bit of vanilla vodka with a dash of cream and you will be drinking a blueberry pancake.  I didn’t get a chance to try to the lemon infused vodka, but I was told it resembles the taste of lemonade without the overwhelming sugar. 

 

Even though blueberries can make any breakfast or dessert sweeter, it also enhances the Blueberry Stoli’s own flavor and sweetness.  It may not taste like your drinking alcohol, but don’t forget it is 85% vodka so it only takes a few to knock you off your barstool.  Experiment with it in different ways and mixers so you can have new drink every time.  

*This was published in Fresno Magazine by Charity Mainville, CEO of www.thegotogirls.com

TWIST RESTAURANT AND LOUNGE
7835 N PALM AVE
FRESNO, CA 93711
HOURS: MON 3:30PM-9PM, TUES-SAT 3:30PM-12AM, 11AM-9PM
www.fresnotwist.com

February is the month of love with the infamous holiday of Valentine’s Day so I was on the hunt for the something like a box of chocolates, and instead I came upon a chocolate drink... with a “twist.” Twist Restaurant and Lounge is a perfect place to take a date or to mingle with your singles may it be any day or a holiday. 

 

As I walked into bar that was separated from the restaurant, allowing for intimate dining, I was embraced with warm rich colors of copper, burnt orange, and “chocolate” brown. As enticing as the lounge couches were, I opted to pull up to the black granite top bar and asked Ryan, the bartender, for a drink menu. As I scanned the endless options, my eyes were quickly diverted to the winner, Chocolate Rain. A martini made up of 1 ¼ oz Absolut Vanilla Vodka, ¼ oz White Godiva, ¼ oz Dark Godiva, ¼ oz Kahlua, and ¼ oz Bailys shaken and poured into a glass swirled with chocolate syrup and garnished with a Hershey’s Kiss. I was told by the general manager, Lucius, that the chocolate sauce is an homemade recipe by their sous chef, Dane.  As the drink was presented to me, I was immediately reminded of a rich vanilla and chocolate pudding snack as the contrasting colors of light brown and dark chocolate perfectly layered in a stemless martini glass (helps to prevent those tipsy spills).  However, no spoon was needed as dark then white chocolate Godiva followed the first taste of vanilla that hit my lips. The martini is sweet, simply put, dessert in a glass. In the beginning, the vanilla vodka leaves a bit of a kick to remind you that you are not just drinking chocolate milk. Even though liqueurs have lower alcohol content, this drink is 100% spirits so make sure to sip slowly.  As the drink sits, the chocolate syrup melts into the liquid transforming the sweet taste into a cool hot chocolate letting you forget vodka was even part of the drink.  The Baileys and Kaluha tones down the full chocolate flavor giving it a creamy base along with just a hit of coffee. 

 

Not everyone enjoys chocolate, so Twist offers other options such as a “Tickle My Pickle,” a martini made with pickle juice, or gather your friends to sample the mini martinis like “Sex & the Cintini.” Just remember, if you do order the Chocolate Rain, single or not, you are at least guarantee to leave with a kiss!

*This was published in Fresno Magazine by Charity Mainville, CEO of www.thegotogirls.com

LAS VEGAS

 

JET @ THE MIRAGE
3400 S LAS VEGAS BLVDLAS VEGAS, NV 89109
HOURS: THURS-SAT 10:30PM, MON 10:30PM

If I had to pick a favorite place in Las Vegas this is the one place I would have say is it. I can admit I can be bias as it may not be the best in decor or outside areas, but this place sure is fun. Allowing guest to choose from their favorite type of music in individual rooms of House, Rock, or Top 40's. The main room has the largest dance floor equipped with stripper poles for the daring and the drunk. Even though this place is usually pretty packed, you can usually find a spot at the bar to squeeze your way through allowing you to create your own dance space. The bartenders are a blast as most will whip a personal concoction of their favorite shot along with joining the dancing crowd on top of the bar. As clubs are starting to come and go in Las Vegas, I have a feeling this one is going to be around for a while. 

PRIVE

PLANET HOLLYWOOD

HOURS: FRI - SAT, MON 10PM-CLOSE
http://www.privelv.com/
 

The well-known Miami nightlife company, The Opium Group, has invaded Las Vegas with the opening of their club Privé.   Connected to their lounge, the Living Room, the club is only open to the privileged; no line, no dress code, no VIP.  You can stroll up to this place in a hat with tennis shoes and get in if you look good in it, but if you don’t, you will be turned away.  You can’t even slip the door guy extra cash because he won’t take it.  On top of that you may still be expected to pay the cover if demanded.  It will be worth every penny to feel like you have been chosen above the rest to walk into the stadium style club.  No roped off sections, no secret areas, just a bit group of people mingling among friends.  You will never lose your crowd because you will be able to spot them from anywhere in the club.  If you choose to get a table, bottle prices are average running from $375 and up.  To add an extra spin, Vitamin Water, guava, mango, and papaya juice are all available as mixers.  After the liquid courage sets in, feel free to dance the night away on the dance floor, tables, booth, or even a bar stool.  Detail is key to this club as Privé specially designed their fabric to withstand stilettos and any other kind of shoe so guests don’t have to worry about taking them off.   If you happen to be in Vegas on one of their open nights, it is a must stop to see if you can be among the privileged at Privé.



ROK VEGAS
NEW YORK NEW YORK HOTEL AND CASINO
WED - SAT 10pm-5am
www.rokvegasnightclub.com

When I walked into New York New York, I was a bit confused if I was in the right place.  I guess it had been a while since I had graced the "under construction" casino.  I was impressed with the simple changes right down to the new carpet.  However, the carpet was not the reason I went there. 

Rok Vegas is the latest club to saturate Las Vegas.  There was a huge buzz about this place and promises on being "one of a kind" by partner Jonas Lowrance.  That is a high statement with competition such as Tryst, Tao, Body English, LAX, JET, Moon, Pure, and the newly opened rock place, Wasted Space.  The few of my friends that had seen this place spoke highly of it so I was excited to see it.  Keep in mind though, they went to an open bar so it could be a cardboard box, free booze is always impressive. 

I walked through the dark entrance into an open room.  My first reaction was, "this is it?"  One bar, about fifteen tables, a small dance floor with a go-go dancing box in the middle.  Yes, a box.  No stripper poles, no mirrors, but black on black with a splash of red in a very dark small room.  As for a one of a kind club? I felt this is a mix of Tabu, with the coloring of Christian Audigier, and the elements of Wasted Space.  The one thing that did stand out was the 360 degree video screen that promises to deliver video mash-up and streaming video of live concerts.  Yeah, that's pretty cool, but ever been to JET on a Monday with their resident VJ? 

Just when I was over it, there was a light shining in the dark.  The light came from the outside patio that accommodates over 350 people.  A dramatic difference from the inside as it was littered with white couches, a white bar with translucent green backing, and a fence with ivy growing along it.   The only "Rok" element or maybe erotic was the windows that contained leather cuffs with chain for the future girls that will be hangin' in there throughout the night.

Prices for bottles and drinks are a bit below the club standard and the tables are set up nicely with sunken buckets for ice and slots for bottles and mixers.   I may not have been that impressed with the layout and design, but I do think this will be good place to hit on a random night with a bunch of peeps.  One table could draw attention very easily and gain "rokstar" status within minutes.  In Vegas, that alone is worth gold.  The only thing I advise, is make sure you can drink without breaking the seal.  The restrooms here are limited and combine men and women into one open area.  If the club is packed inside and out, expect a very very long line... to the restrooms that is.

TAO LAS VEGAS
3355 S LAS VEGAS BLVD
LAS VEGAS, NV 89109
HOURS: THURS-SAT 10PM-5AM
http://www.taolasvegas.com/

Even though the lounge is open every night, the nightclub is only open Thursday-Saturday so expect long lines to get in. Thursday is “Worship Thursdays” where the locals come and party for being part of the industry. Once past the velvet rope, an elevator guides club goers upstairs and where it opens to a middle bar. Straight ahead is a pink-lit room with white lounge couches and house music pumping loud in the background. To the left is a long dark hallway leading to the main room where girls are massaging girls at the entrance. It makes the guy’s admission seem worth it especially when entering the main room to beautiful women in bathtubs, go-go dancing, and serving drinks. The main room is huge with a dance floor, two bars, and multiple tables. It is usually packed so which bar one chooses to go to will most likely wait a bit for a drink. The dance floor is just as packed so when dancers need a break they can head to the back and step outside on Tao’s 40-foot terrace overlooking the strip.

Above the main bar is the VIP balcony with more tables that offer bottle service to the elite. It gives a great view to the entire floor. Those wanting to get peek at the VIP have a chance when using the restrooms located on the same floor. Make sure to have your night vision on when walking out of the club. The exit is downstairs through the late night lounge. It gives those an opportunity to change their mind to have one last drink or if it before 1AM they can snack on some sushi. The lounge also gives an opportunity to those who want to experience Tao without paying a cover. The music is mixed with hip-hop, house, and even bit of old school.

THE BANK

BELLAGIO

HOURS: THURS - SUN: 10PM - CLOSE
www.lightgroup.com

 

Labor Day weekend Light shut their doors to reinvent the club with a new meaning to “high-roller” and a new name, The Bank.  The ride up the escalators will remind you of Light, but once around the corner you will be met by a new scene of velvet tables and a hallway of empty bottles of Cristal.  The moment you step through the main doors you will witness a party that makes you question if you are still in Las Vegas.  No more infamous stripper poles, just ledges for go-go dancers to climb up on in their mini white bikinis and aviator sunglasses. Crystal chandeliers hang from the ceiling that reflects the flames of the fire that is shown on the three LCD screens above the dance floor.  No matter where you are standing you will be able to view anyone and everyone.  The three tier club focuses on table service leaving enough room between each table to allow guests to dance, mingle, or be left alone.  For those who demand extra privacy there is a back room behind the back bar that is roped off to only the exclusive VIP.  The crowd entices regular bar guests to buy a table, but at $595 a bottle, along with a three bottle minimum on Saturdays forces them to hang out and watch from above.  However, the prices at the bar are not much cheaper.  Drinks run from $14-20 and a bottle of beer is $10. The Bank is a great place to go to when you have a large party or a special occasion where money is no object.  You will be investing in a great time to dance the night away, and make new memories to take home with. 

LOS ANGELES

BIG WANGS
1562 N. CAHUENGA BLVD.
LOS ANGELES, CA 90028
11AM-2AM DAILY

Sports, beer, drinks, karaoke, pool tables all coinciding with a young college crowd having fun and just simply chillin' in an atmosphere of laid back fun. Big Wangs is unique in their own design of the "outside inside" bar of Hollywood. Windows are non-existent as you feel as if you are sitting inside a hot dog stand waiting for people to order. The prices as just as good as being one of the cheaper places to drink when you can order a vodka red bull in a 20 oz glass and only pay $7. That alone makes this place a number one spot to hang out in. It is open during the day so it is a great spot for a game of football with some infamous wings. Be prepared on busy nights to have a hard time finding a parking spot, but it is worth the effort.

MADISON

MADISONS DOWNTOWN
119 N. KING ST
MADISON, WI 53703
MON - SAT 4PM-2AM
http://www.madisonsdowntown.com/


When I get crabby, I get crabby. I won’t smile, dance, or sometimes even talk. It is not a usual event this crabbiness of mine. It is brought on by sickness, being over tired or sad events. The last time I visited home we went out on my last night. I was crabby, I’ll admit it. I was blue that it would be my last night to spend with my best friend for a while.

When the ladies decided to go Madisons for some drinks (the martini’s are fab) I was ready to just go home. We chilled upstairs at a table for a while until the girls wanted to dance. They guided me downstairs to the basement where Madisons was transformed into an underground club. The small cemented and brick wall room glistened with blue and pink lights and three plasma screen TV’s showing the top 40 hits. At first, I was taken back by the smell of a men’s bathroom. The smell of the urinal tablet was a bit overwhelming. I was ready to turn around when “The Way I Are” started playing. There is something that triggers my brain to get my feet to move whenever this song comes on. Madisons kept me moving for over an hour by playing some hot jams and then following them up with a little house.

When we finally decided to leave, I had to walk out with a bit a shame as I was too quick to judge the little club. My overexposure to the Vegas scene and overdone decor left me too snooty for my own good. Thanks goodness I had Madisons bring me back to my roots.

MINNEAPOLIS

DRINK
26 N 5TH ST
MINNEAPOLIS, MN 55403
DAILY 4PM-2AM

Midwesterns know how to party, dance, and especially drink and the Drink is a place to go for the trendy, hip, and young in dowtown Minneapolis. Located on the corner of 5th Street, this two level bar is equipped with a fantastic happy hour during the evenings and a dance floor for the nights. The place gets hopping after 9PM when a dj comes on and spins the top 40's to the rockin' 80's. The upstairs is reserved for the VIP or private parties. It gives a great view of the whole bar, plush leather couches, and its own private bar to avoid the long lines. Sometimes the Drink features a photographer, where if you are lucky enough, you may receive your pic in a frame next to some celebrities such as Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Elvis. Even if you don't dance, try one of their signature bright drinks, such as the Rocket Pop Martini, and the sweet taste will have you drinking it so fast that your feet will start moving even if you don't want them to. If you are going on a weekend, make sure you get there early to avoid the long lines. Even the space heaters will not keep you warm during the cold winter months in Minnesota.

NATIONWIDE

BEAUTY BAR
LAS VEGAS, LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK, SAN FRANCISCO, AUSTIN, SAN DIEGO
HOURS VARY BY LOCATION

Where else can you go to get beautiful and drunk at the same time? Okay, maybe there are a lot of places, but the Beauty Bar is most definitely the most unique. First, they have their unique Happy Hour where $10 can get you a mani and martini featured by P.I.N.K. vodka. Also they have a “Drop Dead Gorgeous Beauty Pageant” in each individual location where the finalist wins a trip to Las Vegas along with $500 to spend there. Each location provides a salon atmosphere with hair dryers and salon chairs. Most locations are open to 2am, but can vary by city. I have visited the Los Angeles and Las Vegas location where not only the crowd and music have rocked, but the drinks have as well. The Las Vegas location is especially a draw for the artistic crowd where the first Friday of every month they feature the Kickback party from the downtown event. If you have a chance, gather your gals to check this place out and get beautiful!

NEW YORK CITY

THE HUDSON BAR
HUDSON HOTEL
56 W. 58TH ST.
NEW YORK, NY 10019
SUN - SAT 3PM-4AM
http://www.hudsonhotel.com/

We stepped out of our limo and arrived at the Hudson Hotel. There were two escalators lit by lime green light taunting us to go upstairs. As took the slow stroll up, we arrived at the Hudson Bar, New York City’s best hotel bar and lounge of 2004. What we walked into was a hip, chic, and trendy atmosphere where the elite were sipping on Cosmos and cheering with their champagne. It was after midnight and this place was hoppin’ with great energy and hip-hop music. There was a bar area where every seat was taken, a side room full of white leather couches, and the main room filled with Victorian style chairs and a makeshift dance floor. I felt right at home here as the prices of the drinks were just as much as they were in Las Vegas (a.k.a pricey) and the crowd was getting pretty drunk where make-out sessions were happening in every corner. We had tons of fun here sharing chairs and dancing around. However, be aware, there is a velvet rope so if you are with a large group, make sure you have more ladies than guys or call ahead to get on the list.

TAMPA BAY

 

 

 

 PEABODY'S BILLARDS/THE PALM LOUNGE
15333 AMBERLY Dr
TAMPA, FL
MON-SUN 7PM-3AM
http://www.peabodysbilliards.com/

Although Tampa, Florida’s legendary Ybor City offers an array of clubs, bars, and night hotspots, there is a place “off the beaten path” that has grown to become a regular party hangout for University of South Florida students, and just Tampa residents in general who are bored with the Ybor crowds. Peabody’s Billiards/The Palms Lounge offers something for everyone and on every night of the week too! Located on Amberly Dr. just minutes from the USF campus, this place has not one, but two areas in one to meet all of your “taking a break from work or school” needs. Peabody’s offers 14 pool tables, 60 TVs, electronic dartboards, and NTN Trivia. There are also 2 high voltage bars that serve 32 selections of beer on tap and an impressive collection of top and bottom shelf liquors.


Looking for more excitement while your man’s busy watching the game? Just go right through the back hallway and over to The Palms where there is yet another amazing bar and a dance floor with a DJ spinning today’s hottest tracks every single night of the week! Popular Tampa DJ Kidd Leow is there around three nights a week and the weekend drink specials are unbeatable!

The atmosphere at The Palms/Peabody’s is energetic and if you’re hungry there is a full menu available in both areas. There is always some type of special event going on there such as Ladies’ Night on Mondays, Big Check Fridays, and Simple S.I.N. on Sundays. There’s even Beer Pong Tournaments on Wednesday nights with huge payouts and of course free beer.
 
Peabody’s and The Palms are considered to be Tampa’s premiere pool hall and entertainment complex where the motto is “Eat. Drink. And get racked!” Also, how can you beat a place that has a liquor store right in the middle of the two complexes and easy access to each one? There’s never any cover, there’s just Tampa’s finest having the time of their lives! Visit their website at http://www.peabodysbilliards.com/




FRESNO 

WASSABI
1085 E HERNDON AVE
FRESNO, CA
HOURS: MON-THURS 11AM-2:30PM AND 5PM-10PM, FRI-SAT 11AM-2:30PM AND 5PM-11PM, SUNDAY 5PM-10PM

"Wassabi!" That is what I heard about twenty times in the hour I sat there. The ches behind the sushi counter say it every time a guest walks through the door. It just goes to show how popular this place is to hear it that many times. Loyal to its customers, posting polaroid pics on their walls, this place seems to be a hotspot for the college scene. Accommodating the large parties and cute couples on dates, the menu offers an array of sushi along with signature rolls. The food is presented to look as good as it tastes with its special sauces, green onions, and the orange fish eggs for color on every roll. If you order plain sushi it is served a smokin' cold bowl of dry ice topped with chinese noodles. I had the L. V. roll (naturally), or also known as the Las Vegas roll, which was excellent to say the least. Salmon, crab, cream cheese, and avocado is stuffed into the seaweed wrap, dipped in a tempura batter, and topped with special sauce that tasted like a rich sour sweet cream... so good! "Wassabi!"

LAS VEGAS

BLUE MARTINI
TOWN SQUARE
LAS VEGAS, NV
MON - THURS 4PM -3AM, FRI 4PM - 4AM, SAT NOON - 4AM, SUN NOON - 3AM

This martini bar, hence the name, is the number one spot for martinis.  Their menu offers 30 different options of flavors starting with the basic, Masterpiece Bleu: “Ultimat” Vodka, with Three Bleu Cheese Stuffed Olives; to a bit fruity, Mango Madness: Finlandia Mango Vodka, Mango Schnapps, a splash of Pineapple juice; to really sweet, Three Chocolates: Three Olives Chocolate Vodka, Cream and Godiva Dark Chocolate Liqueur, served in a White Chocolate Swirled Martini Glass; and lastly the Blue Martini's signature drink made with Finlandia Vodka, Citronge, Blue Curacao, Sour Mix, Orange Juice, served in an oversize Snifter over Ice with a Glow Stick. 

The best thing about the martinis are the taste, but it comes as an extra bonus when they are half off during happy hour from 4pm-7pm and also after 11pm if you are part of the industry.  They recognize hard work and offer "hospitality blue" with a VIP access card.  With all the drinking there is also a great food selection to help soak it all up including Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Brushetta, Flatbreads, and gourmet meals like the Chicken Quattro Formaggi, which is a 8oz. Lightly Breaded Seasoned Chicken Breast Stuffed with Four Cheeses (Asiago, Parmesan, Mozzarella, & Provolone) served with Seasoned Rice,
Marinated Artichoke Hearts Accompanied by a Roasted Red Pepper Sauce, which is freakin' awesome. Don't worry, these are half-off during happy hour too.  How can you not be happy?

You can also get your happy feet moving with a live band nightly and a DJ on the weekends.  There really isn't a designated dance floor, but there are plenty table to dance around.  Just make sure you get early and expect a wait, finding a table available is like finding a needle in a haystack. 

CAPO'S
5795 W TROPICANA AVE
LAS VEGAS, NV 89103
HOURS: DAILY 5PM-MIDNIGHT


It was hard to decide where to put this place in its assign category because it is so good, I mean so good, that it is the best. Like true Italian old school this restaurant has a speak easy reminisce so make sure you turn your cell phone down when you sit down to dine. Service is excellent where our server, as always, scored an A+ in suggestions and friendliness. Food is indescribably good where sometimes you forget to breathe as you are scarving down the complimentary warm bread. Even if you fill up, you still manage to clean your plate. I have only ordered the “Chicken Lucchese” because it is so awesome, but I have managed to sneak in a couple of bites from others. The Riesling wine suggested by the server was a bit sweet and complemented the chicken very well. You can choose from three sides, which I suggest trying the mushroom risotto if you like rice, however I am sure the garlic mash potatoes are just as good. Even though I was fuller than necessary, I can not turn down dessert. It is a staple at any Italian restaurant and the Lava Cake was totally worth the extra inch I most likely gained. If you work in the service industry, go there on a Monday where the meals are buy 1 get 1 free. That alone makes this place extraordinary!

CATHOUSE

LUXOR

HOURS : RESTAURANT MON-THURS, SUN 5:30PM-10PM AND FRI-SAT 5:30PM-11:30
LOUNGE FRI-SAT, MON 10:30-4AM WED AFTERHOURS

http://www.cathouselv.com
 

Take an excellent menu, an intimate nightlife, some exotic performances, and you have created the ultimate experience of sensual pleasure that The Cathouse can deliver.  You may feel like you are walking into a sophisticated brothel until you sit down at the inviting bar of plush velvet stools and padded walls.  The staff is extremely friendly and complementary to make you feel comfortable in a dark setting of pinup pictures, red chandeliers, and a having a half naked girl getting ready in a false dressing room in the restaurant area.  The menu is unique at best serving European cuisine of Formage Fondue, Lobster Sliders, Pigs in a Duvet, and even Caviar.  After getting your stomach prepared for a night of drinking, you can head to the back where the ultra lounge is located past the false doors with peepholes.  Peering through the holes will give you an unexpected excitement from the showing of erotic vintage European films.  Once into the lounge, the colors have turned red and a mix of house and dance music is blaring in the background.  Expect to see theatrics throughout of the night of professionally trained beautiful pussycats.  Don’t worry this place is unforgettable, but just in cause you want to capture the moment you can stop by the digital photo booth for a personal souvenir. 


LAVO
THE PALAZZO 
Restaurant Hours: SUN - THURS 5pm-12am  FRI - SAT 5pm-1am
Nightclub Hours: TUES - SUN 10pm - 5am
www.palazzolasvegas.com/lavo.aspx

Ooh, the bee has been buzzing about this place for a while.  It comes as no surprise that Tao's latest venue that recently opened in The Palazzo has already been visited by celebs and locals alike.  They haven't even had their grand opening yet, which is due this Saturday, September 13, but still have had busy nights in the last couple of weeks. 

I had the inside scoop of this place considering one of my close friends work there so I knew what to expect on some level.  However, when I walked through the doors I was not expected to be blown away.  I was immediately impressed with decor and layout of the lounge and restaurant.  A long curved marble top bar with stone pillars, a lounge with Moroccan tables and leather couches, and even with a nightclub upstairs, the ceilings were still 20 feet high.  The crown chandeliers, low light, natural colors, and the fantastic house dj playing, made me step out of Las Vegas for evening to place me a setting that would fit the meatpacking district of New York City.  That should be an easy relation considering the original Tao is located in New York (I have been there too, which is fantastic as well). 

I immediately sat down at a table with a great view of the people coming into the lounge and a view of the strip.  I could have gotten a closer look of the strip if I wanted to venture outside to the balcony, but you are not allowed to eat out there cause of smoking.  Before the eats came the drinks though, which I opted for the Uva Bianco.  This might be the best martini I have ever had.  I even had two.  Fresh green grapes are muddled and shaken with Smirnoff White Grape Vodka and St. Germain, a French liqueur made from Elderflowers.  It is garnished with three green grapes, a great little appetizer while you wait for your food.  Then came the meal, or I should say snack.  Lavo's menu is designed to be a sampling and sharing selection to taste amongst friends.  It is recommend to order a few of each item or expect to get only one bite.  It is Mediterranean based with dishes from Italy, Spain, and France.  I ordered the mini steak panini and my friend had the asparagus and egg panini.  Both were very good, but I was still hungry so we ordered a Pizza Margherita which was a flatbread that was big enough to get me satisfied. 

I didn't get a chance to head upstairs to the nightclub.  After two martinis, lack of sleep, and a full tummy, the only thing I was heading to was my bed.  I do know the club is smaller with only 40 tables for bottle service, creating a luxurious intimate setting.  When you head upstairs you will walk past Turkish water basins occupied by elegant women much like the women that bathe themselves as you enter Tao.  Lavo's industry nights are Tuesday and Sunday with resident DJ Vice spinning the sounds.

The lounge and restaurant will be a great place to take a date or a place to relax with your close friends.  It is affordable as well with prices being a dollar or two lower than the standard.  Lavo did this on purpose to be able to offer luxury without emptying your bank account.  With the hurting economy, that dollar or two can go a long way, especially in Vegas.

OLIVES BELLAGIO HOTEL
3600 LAS VEGAS BLVD S
LAS VEGAS, NV 89109
http://www.toddenglish.com/

Located in the Forum shops of the Bellagio, you best believe this place is going to be extraordinary. This Mediterranean restaurant is pricey to say the least and is certainly recommended for a classy place to take a date. Make reservation so you can try and sit outside to be able to watch the Bellagio fountain... I know, how romantic, huh? I avoided that romance when I went on a first date here. I had to give the guy credit for picking this place considering he knew my dream was to visit the Mediterranean. We started off with an app of Flatbread and olive spread. This most definitely help me soak up that Espresso Martini that I drank within five minute of being seated. The best part was the main course. He ordered the seabass where I opted for the Swordfish. It was so good, it lightly melted in my mouth. Cooked to perfection with a side of cous cous. I ate every bite, which was not very lady like, but I couldn't resist. Hence there was no room for left for dessert, which was fine with me considering the sugar came later on!

THE YARD HOUSE
TOWN SQUARE
LAS VEGAS, NV
SUN - THURS 11AM -2AM, FRI- SAT 11AM - 2:20AM

Okay, I am not going to lie.  I don't like beer.  I am trying to force myself to acquire to the taste.  I have learned that I can stand the darker beer a lot better than like a Miller Lite.  Lucky for me, if I need to find a beer to love, the Yard House will take care of it by offering over 100 different kinds of beer on tap.  I would hate to be the guy that has to clean those lines. However, don't be discouraged if you are not a beer drinker either.   They also have an extensive wine list, specialty martinis, mojitos, and cocktails.  The drink options of any sort is more extensive than a liquor store. 

You will only more impressed with their food selection as well.  Offering an array of appetizers, salads, pizza, entrée, and my personal fav, desserts, with selections from all around the world.  Not very often will you find a California Roll right next Chicken Nachos.  The best thing about it is that you can try everything without it costing you an arm and a leg.  Yard House offers happy hour 3pm-6pm Monday thru Friday and also 11pm-close Sunday thru Wednesday.

If you live in Las Vegas, this great place to go away from the strip, but still be scene.  The Yard House pulls in a lot of industry people looking to escape especially on Wednesday when the options are pretty limited.  Feel free to dress casual, but if you still want to pull off the "Vegas" look, don't worry, no one will judge you.



LOS ANGELES
 
KETCHUP
8590 W SUNSET BLVD
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA
Hours: SUN - SAT 6PM and MON - FRI 12pm-3pm

When a Leo celebrates her birthday, it is important to go all out. She must hit the hottest spots with her large entourage making sure that she is seen amongst the hip, trendy socialites of Hollywood. I listened to the word on the street and heard about Ketchup, the newest hotspot created by the Dolce Group. Wanting to guarantee a table for my special night, I made a call to an important contact and booked the reservation. I am most definitely not Megan Fox, but I am able to pull some strings. As soon as we entered, we were greeted with smiles by “the beautiful people” as they guided us into the elevator.

When the steel doors glided open we were electrified by a purely white posh setting enhanced by intense red lighting. We were seated in a contemporary leather booth, which overlooked a killer view of Sunset Boulevard. Within minutes, a roaming bartender sauntered over, and offered us a sample of Ketchup’s signature drinks. How could I resist the Boohoo! based martini uniquely named American Psycho? The chocolate milk drink that satisfied me as a kid could still do the same years later with an added extra bonus. The apps came quickly, and we were presented with a selection of fire fries, sweet potato fries, and “Ketchup” fries sprinkled with parmesan and garlic. Each fry was complimented with homemade chip, mango, and home style ketchup, which were created by Corporate Chef and General Manager, Chris Tunnel. As we finished our “Barking Dogs,” mini chili cheese dogs, and Kobe “Burger” BLT sliders, our dinner arrived. The pistachio-crusted chicken breast was quickly cleaned from my plate as the rest fought over the last bite of our Mac N’ Cheese side. Fearing I had max ed out my caloric intake for the day, I was presented with another classic treat: The Ding-Dong a la mode. This classic American treat, was set down in front of me with a single glowing flame as the bubbly server and my friends sang “Happy Birthday.” A happy one it was, as we ended the night in the small intimate lounge with a shot, I started planning the next special occasion or a simple night out to dine again at my favorite spot in Hollywood.

MEXICALI COCINA CANTINA
12161 VENTURA BLVD 
STUDIO CITY, CA 91604
HOURS: DAILY 11:30AM-2AM

It is hard every time I come here. I try and try to resist the temptation the menu entices me with, but somehow I always give in and usually end up rolling out of this place from supreme fullness. The last time I went was no different. I started off good with a low-carb marg called the “Jessica Simpson.” She frequents the place probably more than I do! In fact, don’t be surprised if you see many celebs here, it is the hot spot of Studio City. After the drink came the app, Queso Fundido. This plate full of melted cheese with guacamole, sour cream, and salsa on the side is my favorite thing. It is hard to find it made properly and Mexicali does it quite well. For dinner, my indecisiveness took over and I opted for the “pick two” platter where I got crab enchiladas and a fish taco. I can not say I was super impressed with the fish taco, but the crab enchilada made up for it. As if I didn’t have enough, I couldn’t resist dessert especially when I saw the peanut butter flan with hot fudge and caramel on the menu. Somehow my brain told my stomach to make extra room and it was gone in under two minutes. Fifteen minutes later I was in food coma and on my way back to my friend’s house for a nap.


NATIONWIDE

GORDON BIERSCH: CA, NV, WA, NM, CO, IL, FL, OH, LA, MD, DC
HOURS: VARY BY LOCATIONS

Scattered all over the United States this brewery offers a selection in microbrews, wines, and cocktails so large that you might miss the food menu. However, if you simply flip over the one page smorgasbord you will find a selection of salads, sandwiches, pizza, with a dash of dinners. They also provide a seasonal menu that features a beer, appetizers, salad, dinner, and a sandwich. I found this to have the best options as I tried the Quesadillas which was great along with the Southwest Egg Rolls and Ahi Tuna Salad. Oh yeah, the beer is pretty good too according to my friend and my glass of Chateau St. Michelle went down quite nice.
 

NEW YORK CITY

 

CHOICE KITCHEN & COCKTAILS
380 THIRD AVE
NEW YORK CITY, NY 10016
HOURS: 4PM-12AM
http://www.choicekitchennyc.com/

New York City is known for their large selection of great restaurants, but Choice is not just great, but damn awesome! We dined here for a friend's birthday dinner and we couldn't have found a better place to celebrate. We started off trying their colorful and tasty selection of martinis. It helps to go during happy hour where the martinis are only $5. After three martinis deep and a round of shots that our chipper server bought us, we ordered some apps. The were eaten up in minutes and were so delicious. Perhaps we were a bit bias considering we were pretty toasted, but we could have stayed there all night. Mix a great crowd of swanky Manhattan hotties and socialites, the alcohol wasn't the only thing that became intoxicating. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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